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THE  THREE-ACT 

FARCICAL  COMEDY 

TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 


BY 

WILLIAM  GILLETTE 


COPYRIGHT,  1912,  BY  WILLIAM  GILLETTE 


CAUTION. -All  penon*  are  hereby  warned  that  "Too  Much 
Johnson,"  being  fully  protected  und-.r  the  copyright  law*  of  the 
United  State*,  is  subject  to  royalty,  and  anyone  presenting  the  play 
without  the  content  of  the  author  or  hi*  authorized  agent,  will  be 
liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  provided.  We  will  be  pleased  to 
quote  royalty  for  amateur  production  on  application. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30  WEST  38iH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTON  STREET 

STRAND 


THIS    IS    WHO    IT    IS— 

MR.  AUGUSTUS  BILLINGS 
MRS.  AUGUSTUS  BILLINGS 
MRS.  UPTON  BATTERSON 
MR.  FRANCIS  FADDISH 
LEONORA  FADDISH 
HENRY  MACKINTOSH 
JOSEPH  JOHNSON,  ESQ. 
MONS.  LEON  DATHIS 
FREDERICK 
PURSER 

STEWARD'S  BOY 
SELLERY  LOOTON 
MESSENGER 

*  *        *        * 

THIS    IS    WHERE    IT    IS= 

ACT  I— Cabin  of  Steamer  "Tropic  Queen"  leav- 
ing New  York  for  Havana 

ACT  II— Room  in  Johnson's  House  near  Santiago 
De  Cuba 

ACT  III— Next  Morning  in  the  same  place 

*  *        *        * 

THIS    IS    HOW    IT    IS— 


ACT  I-JOHNSON  I 

ACT  II— JOHNSON  1  ! 

ACT  III— JOHNSON  I  I 


Stack 
Annex 

'5" 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

ACT  I 

SCENE. — Saloon  of  steamer — staircase  in  3  a  little 
R.  of  c.  and  obliqued  considerably  down  stage 
from  L.  to  R.  entrances  at  top  of  staircase  from 
R.  and  L.  Passageway  off  right  of  staircase. 
Passageway  off  left  of  staircase — passageway 
L.  1  E.  three  state-rooms  from  passageway  L.  1  E. 
to  passageway  up  stage  L.  The  two  lower  state- 
rooms only  used — viz.:  70  and  72 — the  latter 
being  down  stage. 

PROPERTIES.— 2  small  round  tables— swivel 
steamship  chair  either  side  of  each  table — One 
table  over  near  R.  1  E. — other  table  over  near 
L.  1  E.  Several  newspapers  and  books  on  each 
table.  Cabinet  between  stairway  and  passage- 
way R.  with  empty  medicine  bottles,  etc. 

BEFORE  RISE  OF  CURTAIN.— After  about  six 
bars  of  the  introductory  music,  begin  noise  of 
ship  leaving  port,  viz. :  shouting  of  orders,  wheel- 
ing about  of  baggage  trucks — banging  of  trunks 
— drawing  of  chain  through  pulley-block — and 
at  the  same  time  steam  whistle  blowing  loudly 
every  now  and  again. 

Continue  noise,  after  curtain  has  risen,  until 
dialogue  begins. 

MUSIC. — Kept  up  ff.  until  dialogue  begins — then 
drop  to  pp.  until  FADDISH'S  EXIT. 


2036407 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 


AT  RISE.  —  STEWARD'S  BOY  enters  from  passageway 
up  L.  with  steamer  trunk  on  his  shoulder.  He 
crosses  to  the  stateroom  R.  1  E.,  leaves  the  trunk 
in  there,  comes  out  again  and  exits  up  staircase. 
FADDISH  now  enters  from  L.  down  stairway,  and 
as  he  comes  on  stage  looks  about  in  all  directions 
anxiously  for  someone.  When  FADDISH  is  well 
down  L.,  DATHIS  enters  from  R.  alone  from  stair- 
way —  looks  about  a  minute  as  he  comes  down- 
stairs sees  FADDISH  and  goes  down  to  intercept 
him.  They  meet  c.  FADDISH  tries  to  pass 
DATHIS.  DATHIS  prevents  him. 

FADDISH.  Excuse  me  —  I  —  ha,  ha!  —  I'm  looking 
for  someone,  (trying  to  pass  DATHIS) 

DATHIS.  (stopping  him)  I  am  also  looking  for 
someone. 

FADDISH.    Yes,  yes  (trying  to  pass  him) 

DATHIS.  (stopping  him  and  pulling  out  of  his 
pocket  the  top  half  of  photo  of  a  man's  face,  show- 
ing only  the  top  of  the  head)  Wait,  if  you  please. 
You  will  kindly  tell  me  your  name. 

FADDISH.    Faddish,  sir. 

DATHIS.    Fad-deesh.  (looks  at  FADDISH    sharply) 

FADDISH.     Yes,  yes.     (trying  to  go) 

DATHIS.  One  moment  —  Mr.  Fad-deesh!  (glares 
at  FADDISH  as  if  he  has  doubts.  Then  suddenly  looks 
at  photo  comparing  it  with  FADDISH  —  looks  at  head 
then  photo  then  head  —  then  front)  (takes  off  FAD- 
DISH'S  hat  and  again  compares  him  with  pholo. 
FADDISH  stands  thunderstruck)  It  is  not  heem  ! 
(puts  FADDISH'S  hat  back  on  his  head  again  and 
moves  rapidly  away  to  staircase)  But  he  shall  not 
escape  me  !  (stops  at  foot  of  stairs  —  then  goes  toward 
passageway  R.)  I  will  search  from  one  end  to  the 
other.  (Exits  hurriedly  off  passageway  R.) 

FADDISH.     (FADDISH  watches  DATHIS  off  in  as- 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  5 

tonishment,  leaving  hat  4n  his  head  just  as  placed 
there  by  DATHIS,  without  readjusting  it)  He  must 
be  a  detective.  I'm  glad  I  wasn't  the  man  he  wanted ! 
(Noise  outside  of  trunks  banging  and  rattle  of 
trucks  and  chain.)  (FADDISH  starts  and  looks  about) 
Where  can  Leonora  be — and  that  young  Mackintosh  ? 
I  shall  complain  to  my  sister  about  that  boy !  He's 
made  me  more  trouble — but  when  the  ship  starts  I 
shall  be  rid  of  him — Dear  me,  I  must — perhaps 
they're — yes — I'll  look  on  this  side. 

(Exits  through  passageway  at  L.  1  E.) 
(Music  stops.) 

(LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  enter  L.  from  stairway. 
LEONOEA  comes  down  first  and  stands  at  foot 
of  stairs  on  L.  MACKINTOSH  follows  down  and 
stands  at  foot  of  stairs  on  B.  They  both  stand 
staring  motionless,  looking  in  different  direc- 
tions in  absent-minded  way.) 

LEONOEA.     (pause — after  holding  picture  a  mo- 
ment)    Oh,  Harry. 
MACKINTOSH,     (pause)     Yes. 

(Noise   of   trucks,   etc.,   outside) 

LEONOBA.  (starting  and  looking  at  MACKIN- 
TOSH— turning  to  him)  Don't  you  think  they're 
going  ? 

MACKINTOSH.  I  don't  know,  (he  does  not  look 
around) 

LEONOEA.  Oh  it's  cruel !  cruel !  (hand  on  his 
shoulder.  Steam  whistle  blows  outside.  She  starts 
and  looks  up  at  him)  There.  Did  you  hear  that? 

MACKINTOSH.     No!    What  was  it? 


6  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

LEONORA.  It  was  the  whistle.  Why,  you  must 
have  heard  it,  Harry. 

MACKINTOSH,  (looking  front,  shaking  head  in 
absent,  stunned  sort  of  way)  No,  How  can  I — hear 
—or  think  of  such  things — when  you  are — leaving 
me  forever. 

(Steam  whistle  blows  again.) 

LEONORA.  Oh!  (buries  her  face  on  MACKINTOSH'S 
bosom,  then  looks  up  at  him  again)  Aren't  you 
afraid  you'll  be  left? 

MACKINTOSH.     They'll  ring  a  bell. 

LEONORA,  (quickly,  but  rather  imploringly) 
But  it  did  ring,  Harry. 

MACKINTOSH.     I  didn't  hear  it. 

LEONORA.  Oh  yes!  It  rang  terribly  loud.  And 
the  man  went  by  and  called  out  something  about 
getting  ashore  quite  a  while  ago. 

(MACKINTOSH  moves  as  if  to  go.) 

MACKINTOSH.    Getting  ashore.    Then  I  must 

LEONORA,  (stopping  him)  You  mustn't  go — 
Harry — you  mustn't.  I  can't  bear  it.  (her  head 
again  down  on  his  bosom  in  desperate  grief) 

MACKINTOSH.  Leonora,  when  you  are  gone — life 
will  be  so  barren — so  desolate — that — I — I  can't 
endure  it —  (a  step  forward)  I  won't  endure  it!  ! 

LEONORA,  (clutching  his  arms  with  both  hands. 
Speaks  quickly,  breathlessly)  Oh  Harry!  you 
mustn't  do  anything  rash.  You  mustn't.  Promise 
me  that  you  won't. 

MACKINTOSH.    What  have  I  got  to  live  for? 

LEONORA.  Oh — I  don't  know!  Can't  you — can't 
yon  live — for  me? 

MACKINTOSH.     For  you.     (turning  to  her) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  f 

LEONORA.  Oh!  Of  course  you  can't.  But  do 
live  some  way!  won't  you,  Harry? 

MACKINTOSH.  Down  in  this  country,  they 
wouldn't  allow  such  a  thing.  It's  only  up  in  Canada 
— some  old  French  custom. 

LEONORA.     Isn't  it  perfectly  horrid. 

MACKINTOSH.  Think  of  it — in  this  age  of  the 
world — to  betroth  you  to  a  man  you  never  saw  in 
your  life — a  man  you  don't  love 

LEONORA..     Oh  no ! 

MACKINTOSH.  Just  because  he's  rich!  A  rich 
sugar  planter — marriage  for  money — money,  (going 
down  R.  a  little) 

LEONORA.     Oh — papa  is  so  cruel,     (go  L.  a  little) 

MACKINTOSH.  It's  an  outrageous  crime — (Enter 
MR.  FADDISH  L.  hurriedly  down  staircase.  LEONORA 
and  MACKINTOSH  have  their  backs  turned  to  him) 
It's—it's— Oh  I  can't. 

FADDISH.  Now  see  here !  You  must  get  right  off 
from  this  boat — right  off!  (runs  up  stairs  again.) 

MACKINTOSH.  I  tell  you  Mr.  'Faddish (turn- 
ing to  him) 

FADDISH,  (running  down  stairs  again)  Now 
you  ain't  going  to  tell  me  anything!  (FADDISH 
moves  nervously  about.) 

LEONORA.     Oh  papa!     (symptoms  of  sobbing) 

MACKINTOSH.  Isn't  her  happiness  something  to 
you? 

FADDISH,  (stopping  before  him)  Isn't  her — 
(chokes  with  indignation)  you  ask  me — her  hap- 
piness— and  I'm  doing  all  this — 'ere's  a  chance  for 
a  good  marriage.  It  ain't  every  day  that  a  rich  West 
Indian  Sugar  Planter  will  marry  a  girl  with  nothing 
but  her  family  name  to  bring  to  him !  And  if  her 
uncle  James  hadn't  been  down  in  Cuba  last  Winter 
and  got  acquainted  with  him,  we  couldn't  have 
dared  to  hope  for  such  a  thing. 


g  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

LEONORA.  Then  I  wish  Uncle  James  had  stayed 
at  home. 

FADDISH.  Well  he  didn't — he  arranged  it  all — 
and  you  was  perfectly  free  to  accept  or  not.  You 
decided  to  accept. 

LEONORA.     I  hadn't  seen  Harry  then. 

FADDISH.  I  don't  care  if  you  hadn't.  Our  word 
was  given.  We're  Faddishes — and  we're  going  to 
keep  it.  They're  going  to  go !  They're  going  to  go. 
(starting  up  staircase) 

(PURSER  crosses  at  top  of  stairs  from  L.  to  R.  and 
speaks  following  speech  to  those  in  saloon  as  he 
goes  across.) 

PURSER.  Anybody  to  go  ashore!  They're  haul- 
ing in  the  plank. 

(Exit  PURSER.) 

FADDISH,  (excitedly — wildly)  Yes — yes!  He's 
goin'!  Tell  'em  to  wait,  (engine-room  bell  rings) 

MACKINTOSH.  I  won't  leave  her.  (goes  over  to 
LEONORA) 

FADDISH,  (hopping  about  with  excitement — at 
foot  of  stairs)  What!  You  promised — you  prom- 
ised if  I'd  let  you  come  down  to  New  York — and 
see  her  off — here,  wait,  (goes  upstairs)  He's  com- 
ing. You  promised  me (coming  downstairs 

again) 

MACKINTOSH,  (change)  Yes — I  did.  (slight 
pause — suddenly  clasps  LEONORA  in  his  arms) 
Good-bye,  (releases  her  as  suddenly.  Turns  and 
dashes  towards  the  stairway.  Enter  LEON  DATHIS 
from  top  of  stairs  R.  just  as  MACKINTOSH  is  going 
up  the  stairs) 

DATHIS.    (stopping  MACKINTOSH)    One  moment. 

MACKINTOSH.    Eh  ? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  9 

FADDISH.    Don't  stop  him!    He's  got  to  get  off. 

DATHIS.     He  cannot  till  I  know  hees  name. 

MACKINTOSH.  What  are  you  doing?  (struggles 
hard  to  pass  DATHIS — DATHIS  holds  him.  Steam 
whistle  blows) 

FADDISH.  My  soul!  (fusses  about)  He'll  be 
left! 

DATHIS.    Who  ees  he — I  ask  you  zhat  ? 

FADDISH.    Don't   stop  him — I'll   be   responsible. 

DATHIS.    Hees  name — what  is  it? 

MACINTOSH.  {  (Aether)     Mackintosh. 

(LEONORA  regards  this  scene  with  anxiety — eyes 
strained  wide  open.  Stands  motionless.) 

DATHIS.    Penneet  me. 

(Snatches  off  MACKINTOSH'S  hat — and  at  the  same 
time  pulls  piece  of  photograph  from  his  pocket 
and  hurriedly  compares  the  two.  Struggle,  etc., 
going  on  during  this,  but  DATHIS  holds  MACK- 
INTOSH firmly.) 

DATHIS.    It  is  not  heem! 

(Releases  MACKINTOSH.  MACKINTOSH  exits  quickly 
— DATHIS  down  L.  MACKINTOSH  makes  a  rush 
up  stairway,  and  bounds  off  L.  DATHIS  comes 
downstairs  and  stands  L.  watching  scene.) 

FADDISH.  (following  MACKINTOSH)  Hurry! 
Hurry!  or  you'll  be  left!  Bun!  (PuBSER  appears 
on  stairway  from  above  as  MACKINTOSH  rushes  past. 
Looks  at  him) 

PURSER.  He  can't  get  ashore.  (Comes  downstairs 
and  goes  off  passageway  up  L.,  down  and  off.) 

FADDISH,     (wildly  on  stairs)     Can't  he  jump? 


10  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 


LEONORA,  (to  B.  foot  of  stairs,  with  scream) 
Oh!  No!  No!  (running  to  foot  of  stairway  and  a 
few  steps  up  in  her  excitement)  He  mustn't.  Don't 
let  him.  Stop  him. 

FADDISH,  (upstairs  —  wildly)  Tell  them  to  stop 
the  boat,  (goes  off  L.  calling)  Stop  the  boat  !  Stop 
the  boat!! 

LEONORA.  (looking  up  the  stairs  and  off  to  L.) 
They're  holding  him.  They  won't  let  him  jump! 
He's  safe!  He's  safe! 

DATHIS.  (who  has  watched  bus.  from  L.,  going 
up  to  stairway)  Tell  me  zthis!  Why  did  zthe 
young  man  wish  to  escape  —  eh  !  Tell  me  zthat  ? 

LEONOEA.  (looks  at  DATHIS)  He  didn't  wish 
to!  They  made  him.  (coming  down  toward  table 
B.) 

DATHIS.  I  shall  see  him  once  more.  There  is 
some  treek. 

(Exits  by  passageway  up  L.     Entet   MACKINTOSH, 
running  down  stairway.) 

MACKINTOSH,  (seizing  LEONOBA'S  hands)  My 
darling  ! 

LEONORA.    Isn't  it  dreadful  ! 

MACKINTOSH,  (releasing  her)  That  I  am  going 
with  you! 

LEONOEA.  (with  a  cry  of  pain)  Oh  —  no!  I 
only  meant  that  —  that  you  - 

MACKINTOSH.  "We're  not  far  from  the  dock  —  I 
can  jump  in  and  swim,  (going  to  foot  of  stairs) 

LEONORA,  (follow-lng  him  quickly  —  holding  him) 
No,  no  !  You  shall  not.  You  shall  not  do  it  !  I 
didn't  mean  it,  Harry,  you  know  I  didn't. 

MACKINTOSH.  Then  I  will  go  with  you!  (arm 
around  her) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  U 

(bus. — they  both  sit  on  bottom  step 
but  one  of  stairs)  Oh,  I'm  so  glad — so  glad. 
(pause)  But,  Harry — the  steamer  is  full — every 
berth  is  taken!  Where  will  you  sleep? 

MACKINTOSH.  I  don't  want  to  sleep.  I  want  to 
lie  awake — and  realize  that  I  am  here  with  you. 

LEONORA.  Oh,  Harry;  But  you  must  have  some- 
where— to  lie  awake  in! 

MACKINTOSH.  It's  nothing  to  me !  I'll  go  on  the 

roof — or  down  in  the  coal  hole — or — or (stops, 

unable  to  think  of  any  other  place  bad  enough) 

LEONORA.  How  brave  you  are !  (arms  around 
him)  and — and — I'm  so  glad  you're  going  too! 
So  glad !  (whistle  of  tugboat — answered  after  a 
moment's  pause  by  steam  whistle  of  ship.  Getting 
up  suddenly)  What  was  that? 

MACKINTOSH.     I  don't  know,     (rising) 

LEONORA,  (going  to  R.)  Shall  we — shall  we  go 
out  and  see? 

MACKINTOSH.  Yes — if  you  want  to.  (they  start 
toward  passageway  up  R.  Arm  around  her)  He — 
he  can't  blame  me — can  he  ?  I  tried  to  get  off ! 

LEONORA.     Oh — no. 

MACKINTOSH.  And  we — we're  not  torn  asunder— 
yet — my  darling. 

LEONORA.     No,  oh  no,  Harry!    Not  yet! 

(Business.     They  exit  by  passageway  up  E.) 

(Enter  AUGUSTUS  BILLINGS  and  PURSER — from 
passageway  up  L.  PURSER  goes  quickly  to  cab- 
inet over  R.,  under  staircase,  taking  out  keys,  un- 
locking. Looks  rapidly  among  bottles.  BIL- 
LINGS follows  him  up  to  cabinet — giving  rapid 
glance  about  cabinet  as  he  comes  in.  Another 
glance  or  two  about  over  his  shoulder  as  he 
stands  watching  PURSER;  PURSER  finds  empty 
bottle.  Holds  it  up  to  light  and  shakes — 


13  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

to  make  sure  that  it  is  empty.  Shakes  head. 
Looks  at  BILLINGS.  BILLINGS  looks  at  him. 
Slight  pause.  NOTE. — Endeavor  to  work  BIL- 
LINGS on  the  easy,  nonchalant  idea,  as  far  as 
possible,  confident,  cool,  not  too  anxious — al- 
ways confident  he'll  pull  through  all  right.) 

PURSER.  All  gone,  sir!  Not  a  drop  left!  (BIL- 
LINGS looks  at  PURSER  with  hands  shoved  down  in 
trousers  pockets.  They  both  come  down)  I  re- 
member there  was  quite  a  call  for  it  the  last  trip  in. 
It's  one  of  the  best  things  for  seasickness,  sir,  that 
you  ever 

BILLINGS,  (interrupting  PURSER)  Yes,  but  it's 
gone.  (PURSER  and  BILLINGS  look  at  one  another 
an  instant.  BILLINGS  turns  away  as  if  to  go  L. 
PURSER  goes  up  to  cabinet,  puts  back  the  bottle. 
NOTE. — BILLINGS  mem.,  to  remove  cap  at  some  time 
during  this  scene — so  that  his  head  and  hair  may  be 
seen  previous  to  the  hair  cutting  business.  BILLINGS 
stops  a  little  down  left  because  something  occurs  to 
him.  Glances  at  PURSER.  Pulls  out  roll  of  bills 
and  gets  a  20.  Aloud,  as  he  is  getting  bill  out) 

Say — look  here (without  looking  round.  May 

put  unlighted  cigar  which  he  finds  in  pocket  absent- 
mindedly  into  mouth) 

PURSER,  (who  has  just  closed  cabinet)  Yes,  sir 
— (goes  down  near  BILLINGS) 

BILLINGS.  Want  to  get  you  to (slight  pause 

as  he  nonchalantly  puts  a  twenty  dollar  bill  into 
PURSER'S  hand) 

PURSER.     Certainly,  sir — anything  I  can 

BILLINGS.  Yes — that's  what  I  mean.  You  can 

help  me  through  on  a  little (notices  number  of 

stateroom  down  L.  With  motion  of  head  and  look- 
ing over  at  stateroom.)  'S  that  seventy-two? 

PURSER.    Yes,  sir.     (looks  over  at  stateroom) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  13 

BILLINGS.  Say — come  over  here,  will  you  ?  (hold 
centre  of  stage)  There's  a  strange  thing  on  around 
here — and  I'm  in  it —  (looking  around  cabin)  Do 
you  see  anybody? 

PUESEE.     No,  sir! 

BILLINGS.    Where  ? 

PUESEE.    Where,  sir!     I 

BILLINGS.     Oh,  I  thought  you  said  you  did. 

PUESEE.    No,  sir! 

BILLINGS.  All  up  on  deck,  aren't  they,  seeing 
'em  off? 

PUESEE.    Yes,  sir! 

BILLINGS.  Say,  look  here  I  Listen !  Just  because 
I  took  a  lady  to  the  opera  two  or  three  times  and 
sent  her  a  few  notes  and  a  photograph  I've  got  to  go 
to  Cuba—  See  here !  I'll  have  to  tell  you  all  about 
it  or  you  won't  be  any  use  to  me.  My  name's  Bil- 
lings— office  18  Wall — Attorney,  you  know — and  all 
that —  Live  up  in  Yonkers. 

PUESEE.    Yes,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  Yes,  just  starting  out  for  some  place 
in  Cuba — forget  what  they  call  it —  Sandy  some- 
thing or  other. 

PUESEE.     Sandiago,  sir! 

BILLINGS.     That's  what  it  is! 

PUESEE.  Sandiago's  way  down  at  the  East  end  o* 
the  island,  sir! 

BILLINGS.    All  right.     That's  where  we're  going. 

PUESEE.     We  take  you  to  Havana,  sir. 

BILLINGS.    What  for? 

PUESEE.     That's  where  the  boat  runs,  sir. 

BILLINGS.    What  do  I  do  then? 

PUESEE.  You  change  to  a  steamer  which  takes 
you  to  Sandiago. 

BILLINGS.    Do  I  have  to  change? 

PUESEE.  Yes,  sir.  You'll  have  plenty  of  time 
there. 


14  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Oh,  I'll  have  plenty  of  time,  will  I? 
Well,  I  need  plenty  of  time.  Xow,  see  here,  you 
don't  know  how  it  is  yet.  Two  ladies  with  me — wife 
and  her  mother.  They  think  I  own  a  big  place  down 
there — and  run  the  sugar  business,  (looks  at 
PUBSER  an  instant — shakes  head)  Eot.  (PURSER 
looks  at  BILLINGS  surprised.  Cigar  in  mouth  again.) 
Don't  know  what  sugar  is.  All  came  out  of  a  little 
affair  you  know — come  over  here — (PURSER  follows 
BILLINGS  and  stands  left  at  chair)  singular  isn't  it, 
how  these  little — detained  in  town  one  night  on 
business — dining  at  French  table  d'hote — one  of  the 
rear  ones  near  Washington  Square — she  was  charm- 
ing, too — sweetest  little — French,  you  know — and  a 
flirt— Great  Scott!— Out  of  sight! 

PURSER,    (eyes  sparkling)    Out  of  sight,  was  she? 

BILLINGS.  Yes.  Wish  to  God  she'd  stayed  there. 
(NOTE. — "Yes"  slurred — more  Yeer)  Forgotten 
her  purse  or  something — course  I  came  to  time — 
settled  the  bill — saw  her  to  cab — saw  cab  to — hem — 

PURSER.    Yes,  yes. 

BILLINGS.  Theatres — concerts — operas — roof  gar- 
dens— and  all  that  sort  of  innocent  amusement  till 
her  husband  came  back. 

PURSER.     Husband,  sir!    (back  to  centre  of  stage) 

BILLINGS.  Don't  shriek  like  that!!  That's  the 
idea  though — One  of  these  crazy  Frenchmen — wine 
business — importer  and  all  that.  Had  to  make  the 
trip  to  San  Francisco  every  now  and  then — that's 
where  he  imported  from. 

PURSER.     0  yes,  I  see. 

BILLINGS.  Yes,  of  course.  California  wine — with 
a  French  accent.  Every  time  he  went  West  we 
stayed  East — you  see  how  it  was,  of  course. 

PURSER.    Yes,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  Of  course  had  to  tell  'em  something — 
up  in  Yonkers.  Said  I'd  bought  a  sugar  ranch  down 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  15 

in  Cuba,  had  to  go  down  there  every  now  and  then 
to  see  it.  It  occurred  to  me  because  I  had  a  college 
chum — Billy  Lounsberry — went  down  there  in  '84 — 
gave  me  the  idea,  you  see.  His  ranch  was  near  this 
place — e — Santiago.  He  called  it  "The  Columbia" 
— patriotic  sort  of  a  duck,  Billy  was — so  I  just  gave 
'em  that  as  the  name  of  mine,  so  as  to  have  a  real 
one  behind  it.  Knew  Lounsberry  wouldn't  mind. 
He'd  do  anything  for  me !  Don't  believe  in  these 
things — but — didn't  seem  to  be  any  way  out  of 

PUESEE.     No,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  I'm  glad  you  look  at  it  that  way.  Last 
Tuesday  got  word  from  her 

PUESEE.    Which? 

BILLINGS,  (looks  at  PURSEE  an  instant)  There's 
only  one.  I  didn't  mention  another,  did  I?  Clair- 
ette  was  her  name,  I  thought  I  told  you. 

PUESEE.     No,  sir. 

BILLINGS.     Clairette,  the  little  French 

PURSEE.     Oh,  yes,  I  remember  her! 

BILLINGS.  Yes — I  got  word  from  her  after  her 
husband  left  for  the  Slope  that  morning.  Looked 
up  Havana  steamers — found  this  was  the  first  one 
out— told  the  folks  I'd  got  to  take  it. 

PURSER.    What  folks? 

BILLINGS.     Told  my  folks  up  in  Yonkers. 

PURSER.     Oh  I  see. 

BILLINGS.  I'd  got  to  take  this  steamer,  you  know 
— then  I  lit  out  for  Long  Branch  where  I'd  got  to 
meet  her Got  to  Long  Branch;  instead  of  find- 
ing her  there,  found  this  letter  waiting  for  me  at  the 
West  End  Hotel,  (feeling  in  pockets} — where  the 

deuce (cigar  in  mouth  to  get  it  out  of  way. 

Feels  in  other  pockets)  Great  Scott ! !  Now  if  I've 
gone  and  dropped  that  anywhere — the  way  they  do 
in  plays (looking  about)  Oh — overcoat  pocket 


15  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

— hung  it  up  in  stateroom (starting  over  L. 

toward  stateroom  72  as  if  to  get  it — but  stops  sud- 
denly and  turns  to  PURSER,  who  is  now  R.  PURSER 
starts  to  follow  BILLINGS  to  stateroom  and  is 
stopped)  Never  mind — this  is  what  she  said — 
"Monsieur  Johnson." 

PURSER.    Johnson,  sir?    I  thought  it  was  to  you. 

BILLINGS.     That's  right — I'm  Johnson 

PURSER.  You,  sir ! — you  said  your  name  was  Bil- 
lings? 

BILLINGS,     (snaking  head)     Not  in  this  case. 

PURSER.    Oh — yes,  I  see! 

BILLINGS.  Yes.  Wouldn't  do  to  give  my  name, 
you  know.  Might  take  a  fancy  to  look  you  up  and 
there  you  are !  Johnson  perfectly  safe — such  a  lot  of 
'em.  More  than  15,000  of  them  in  the  directory.. 
Haven't  counted  them — but  a  man  told  me,  such  a 
lot  of  'em.  She  doesn't  even  know  I  belong  in  this 
country — gave  her  the  same  deal  about  owning  a 
sugar  ranch  in  Cuba — one  lie  covers  both  ends  of  it. 
Always  lik«  to  economize  on  a  lie  when  I  can,  you 
know. 

PURSER.    Very  good,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  Letter  was  something  like  this!  "My 
most  adorable  little  Sugar  Planter" — or  whatever 
it  was — "Fly  for  your  life — my  husband  has  unex- 
pectedly come  back  before  he  started.  He  suspects 
— he  has  seized  your  photograph — your  name  is  on 
the  back," — and  all  that,  you  see. 

PURSER.     Very  disagreeable,  wasn't  it,  sir? 

BILLINGS,  (shakes  head)  Not  yet — coming  to 
that  now.  Always  come  down  to  the  steamer  last 
thing  before  she  sails — might  find  letters — Yonkers 
you  know — and  all  that.  Came  this  morning.  Found 
one — Mrs.  Billings — said  she  and  her  mother'd  been 
thinking  it  over.  That  settled  it — needn't  read  any 
more.  When  they  think  anything  over — Biff — you 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  17 

know.  Been  thinking  it  over — wanted  a  rest  and 
change  of  air — unless  I  telegraphed  contrary  they'd 
go  to  Cuba  with  me.  (PuBSER  gives  a  long  whistle) 
Too  late  to  telegraph  contrary — barely  time  to  get 
a  couple  of  staterooms — rush  out  and  buy  this  cap 
— so's  to  look  as  if  I  was  really  going,  you  know 
— and  there  they  were  toddling  up  the  gang  plank — 
See  how  it  is  of  course.  They  think  Fd  made  the 
trip  a  couple  of  dozen  times — regular  old  sea  dog 
and  all  that — (slight  pause)  be  as  sick  as  a  cat  in 
ten  minutes — and  don't  know  a  damn  thing  about 
Cuba  (turning  from  PUBSER  and  going  up  a  little) 

PURSER,  (after  slight  pause  to  take  it  in)  But 
when  you  get  to  Santiago,  sir — ? 

BILLINGS,  (coming  to  him  again)  Get  there  I'm 
all  right.  Hunt  up  Billy  Lounsberry,  he's  there  yet ! 
you  know,  borrow  his  plantation  for  a  week  or  so 
and  pass  it  off  as  mine.  He's  all  right— do  any- 
thing for  me — Thing  is  getting  there. 

PURSER.  Now  I  think  of  it,  sir,  there's  an  extra 
bottle  of  that  nerve  tonic  in  my  cabin.  ( BILLINGS 
looks  at  PURSER) 

BILLINGS.    Well  I'm  glad  you  think  of  it. 

PURSER.  I'll  get  it  right  off.  (starts  up  the 
stairway) 

BILLINGS.  Eight  off  isn't  any  too  soon  for  me. 
(PURSER  stops  suddenly  on  stairs  and  comes  down 
again  to  R.  of  BILLINGS) 

PURSER.  There's  another  thing,  sir.  Did  you 
ever  try  a  belt? 

BILLINGS,     (shakes  head)     Never  tried  anything. 

PURSER.  It's  almost  sure  to  fix  you,  sir!  (going 
to  cabinet  again  and  opening  it,  bringing  out  a  large 
belt,  with  strap  and  buckles  of  considerable  size. 
Brings  it  down  to  BILLINGS  who  has  gone  over  L.  c. 
near  table) 


18  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Do  I  get  it?  (as  purser  goes  up  for 
belt) 

PUBSER.  Yes,  sir,  here  it  is ! — I'm  glad  I  thought 
of  that!  (BILLINGS  takes  belt) 

BILLINGS.    What  do  I  do  with  that? 

PURSEE.     Put  it  on,  sir — that's  all! 

BILLINGS.  Didn't  know  but  I  had  to  chew  it  or 
something. 

PURSER.    Ah  now,  chew  that? 

BILLINGS.  Only  joking  of  course.  Shouldn't  want 
to  be  taken  for  a  horse. 

PURSER.  Now  that  won't  be  necessary,  do  you 
want  to  hide  it? 

BILLINGS.    I  can  tell  you  that 

PURSER.     Well  button  your  coat  over  it. 

BILLINGS.     I  suppose  you  have  done  this  before? 

PURSER.  0  yes,  quite  often.  Let  me  help  you, 
sir.  Some  people  it  keeps  off  seasickness  entirely. 

BILLINGS.     Some  people? — 

PURSER.    Yes,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  Trust  I'm  a  member  of  that  fortunate 
class  of  the  community,  (during  bus.  of  tightening 
belt)  I  begin  to  feel  as  if  I'd  had  dinner.  (PURSER 
tightens  belt)  There  goes  another  dinner.  Say — 
am  I  going  to  take  any  of  that  tonic? 

PURSER.     Why  certainly,  sir! 

BILLINGS.  Then  you  don't  want  to  pull  this  thing 
any  tighter. 

PURSER.  But  you  must  have  it  tight !  That's  the 
only  good  of  it! 

BILLINGS.  All  right.  (PURSER  pulls  BILLINGS 
hard)  Say!  Hold  on!  Let  me  hang  on  to  some- 
thing ! 

PURSER.    Hold  on  to  that  table,  sir. 

(PURSER    begins    to    pull    straps    with    force    and 
BILLINGS  braces  himself  and  holds  on  to  table. 


TOO  MUCH.  JOHNSON  1J 

Enter  MJES.  BILLINGS  and  MRS.  BATTEBSON 
down  stairway  from  L.  They  stop  in  astonish- 
ment on  seeing  the  PURSER  pulling  BILLINGS 
around.  The  PURSER  gives  a  strong  pull,  so 
that  BILLINGS  loses  hold  on  table  and  is  thrown 
around — holding  on  to  PURSER,  which  leaves 
PURSER  L.  of  BILLINGS  when  ladies  scream. 
MRS.  BILLINGS  gives  a  sharp  scream  and  MBS. 
BATTERSON  at  same  time  a  screech  of  alarm, 
both  starting  down  toward  BILLINGS  and 
PURSER,  MRS.  BILLINGS  arriving  nearest  to 
BILLINGS.  BILLINGS  coolly  turns  and  stands 
easily  before  them  with  perfect  self  possession — 
and  no  idea  of  concealing  anything.  Clothes 
somewhat  disarranged.  Takes  cigar  out  of 
mouth.) 

BILLINGS,  (looking  about  to  see  what  caused  them 
to  scream)  What  did  you  see? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Was  he — why  what  was  he  doing 
to  you? 

BILLINGS     (innocently)     Who?     (glances  about) 
MRS.    BILLINGS.     Why,    that    fellow — you    were 

wrestling  with 

BILLINGS,  (looks  about  innocently — sees  PURSER) 
Ohi — (his  momentary  anxiety  is  satisfied.  Takes 
out  a  cigar  and  prepares  to  light  it)  That's  what 
it  was.  (lighting  his  cigar.  Says  to  PURSER  care- 
lessly between  puffs  as  he  lights  it — )  She  thought 
we  were  scrapping. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  What  is  the  explanation  of  the 
affair? 

BILLINGS,    (cigar  bus.    Wait  till  lights  it  before 
speaking}     Helping  me   on — with   this,     (touching 
belt  lightly  as  he  tossed  away  match) 
MRS.   BILLINGS.     Mercy!    What  is  it? 
BILLINGS.     Belt,     (he  handles  buckles,  etc.,  care- 
lessly) 


tO  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MBS.  BATTERSON.  And  why  were  you  going 
strapped  into  a  belt  at  such  a  time? 

BILLINGS.     Game  of  tennis,    (puffs  cigar) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Tennis! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  You  don't  mean  here  on  the 
ship! 

BILLINGS.  No.  Going  to  get  off  and  play  in  the 
water.  (PURSER  goes  to  passageway  up  L.  and 
watches  them) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why,  Augustus! — You  don*t 
mean  that! 

BILLINGS,  (to  PURSER  gayly)  'S  all  right,  old 
man,  be  along  in  five  or  ten  minutes. 

PUBSEB.    Very  well,  sir !   I'll  get  the  mallets ! 

(Exit  PUBSEB  by  passageway  up  L.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS,  (turning  in 
surprise  on  word  mallets)  Mallets! 

BILLINGS,  (nods  affirmatively)  'S  a  way  he  has — 
doesn't  like  to  say  anything  about  a  racket  (puff  of 
smoke)  he's  a  married  man. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (crossing  over  to  him — MRS. 
BILLINGS  retires  up  a  little)  Tennis  seems  to  me  a 
most  extraordinary  pastime  to  indulge  in — at  sea. 

BILLINGS.  'S  all  right — You  haven't  got  to  play. 
(MRS.  BATTERSON  goes  R.,  MRS.  BILLINGS  comes 
down  next  to  BILLINGS) 

(Enter  PURSER'S  BOY  from  passageway  up  L.  He 
comes  down  to  BILLINGS  and  offers  him  a  large 
bottle.) 

BILLINGS,  (after  looking  at  the  boy  awhile  calmly) 
What's  that? 

BOY.  It's  the  medicine,  sir.  (offering  BILLINGS 
a  bottle.  Pause.  BILLINGS  regards  the  boy  in  medi- 
tative silence.  Puff  cigar  bus.) 

BILLINGS.  Medicine?  (takes  bottle  and  looks  at 
it) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  21 

BOY.  Yes,  eir.  Chief  Purser  says  when  you  feel 
it  coming  on  take  a  spoonful  in  a  glass  o'  water. 

BILLINGS.  Feel  what  coming  on?  (BILLINGS  is 
simply  and  naturally  apparently  ignorant  of  what  it 
all  means.  No  fits  and  starts.  No  signs  to  the  boy 
aside.  Nothing) 

BOY.     Seasickness,  sir. 

BILLINGS.    What? 

BOY.     Seasickness ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    For  you,  Augustus! 

BILLINGS.  Somebody's  trying  to  be  funny,  (looks 
at  bottle  again.  To  BOY — as  if  to  get  at  the  root  of 
the  matter — yet  not  sharp  or  strong)  Where'd  you 
get  this? 

BOY.  The  Chief  Purser  sent  it,  sir.  He  said 
you 

BILLINGS,  (interrupting)  Oh — Purser!  Yes — 
must  be  that  stuff  (looks  at  bottle)  I  was  telling 
McCauley  about — Steward  thought  it  was  for  me. 
(to  BOY)  Spoonful,  you  say, — when  he  feels  it 
coming  on? 

BOY.     Yes,  sir.    (Exit  L.  1  E.) 

BILLINGS.  I'll  tell  him — (sitting  on  edge  of  table 
L. — putting  bottle  in  side  pocket)  First  I  thought 
they  had  a  game  up  on  me.  There's  some  of  the  boys 
on  this  trip. 

(Enter  DATHIS   excitedly  from  passageway  up  L. 
Goes  quickly  to  R.  of  BILLINGS.) 

DATHIS.     (to   BILLINGS)     I  shall  ask  you,  sir, 

BILLINGS,  (turning  coolly  to  DATHIS  and  drawing 
bottle  out  of  pocket)  Here  it  is,  right  here— 
(shoves  bottle  into  <rDATHis's"  hands  and  begins 
to  lead  him  away)  When  you  feel  it  coming  <u, 
take  a  spoonful  in  a  glass  of  water. 

DATHIS.    But  I  wish  you  to  tell  me,  sir. 


22  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.    Tells  all  abont  it  on  the  bottle! 
DATHIS.     I  call  on  you,  sir. 
BILLINGS.     Cheer  up,  old  man. 

(They  exit  L.  1  E.  expostulating  ad.  lib.  MBS. 
BATTEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS  watch  them  off 
astonished.) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  What  was  the  man  trying  to 
say? 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  He  was  asking  Augustus  about 
the  medicine,  I  think. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  There  was  something  else.  He 
eeemed  to  be  in  a  most  excited  state ! 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Yes,  so  he  did.  Have  you  seen 
our  staterooms,  mama?  Yours  is  right  next  to 
ours,  (going  to  stateroom  No.  70  and  unlocking  it) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  I  just  looked  in  before  we 
Btarted. 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  I  must  go  and  fix  things. 
Augustus  scattered  his  clothes  all  about.  I  never 
eaw  such  a  place. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (going  up  to  her  stateroom  No. 
70)  Well  don't  let's  stop  long  now.  I  want  to  see 
the  Statue  of  Liberty,  and  we're  almost  there. 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (at  her  door)  Oh,  yes,  we  want 
to  see  that !  Were  you  going  to  get  a  wrap  ? 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (at  her  door)  Yes,  it's  too 
chilly  to  be  up  there  without  one.  (MBS.  BILLINGS 
goes  in  stateroom  No.  72.  Gets  shawl  from  outside) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Mine's  all  done  up  in  a  shawl 
strap. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Well,  don't  stop  for  it  now — 
take  something  else. 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (getting  overcoat  from  stateroom 
No.  72)  Here  is  just  the  thing!  Augustus  isn't 
using  it. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  23 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes,  come  dear !  (starting  to- 
ward  stairway) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  I  don't  believe  he  wants  it,  do 
you? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (looking  around  at  her,  and 
putting  on  her  shawl)  It's  not  at  all  likely  that 
he'll  need  an  overcoat  to  play  tennis  in. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  yes,  he's  going  to  play  tennis. 
(begins  fumbling  with  pocket  of  overcoat) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  should  think  that  belt  he  had 
on  was  enough  to  keep  him  warm  without  much  of 
anything  else. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh!  wait  a  minute,  mama! 
(sits  R.  of  table  L.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    What's  the  matter? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Dear  me!  He's  got  a  lot  of 
cigars  in  this  pocket!  I  must  take  them  out  or 
they'll  all  be  broken,  and  he  wouldn't  like  that. 
(brings  out  some  cigars  and  puts  them  on  table  be- 
side her) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  My  advice  would  be  to  bring 
them  up  on  deck  and  pitch  them  off  into  the  water. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  But  it  wouldn't  do  any  good — 
he'd  only  get  some  more,  (bringing  out  more 
cigars) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  The  man  makes  a  perfect 
chimney  of  himself. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Not  a  perfect  chimney,  mama — 
because  he  smokes. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  have  never  approved  of  your 
letting  him  go  on  with  it,  when  he  gave  you  his 
promise  to  stop,  before  I  consented  to  your  marriage. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes,  but  I  didn't  want  to  hold 
him  to  it.  (during  this  MRS.  BILLINGS  brings  out 
more  cigars  and  letter  and  envelope)  He  enjoys  it 
so  much — and,  besides,  he  never  smokes  pipes — and 
that's  a  good  deal ! 


24  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (seeing  letter  in  MRS.  BILLINGS' 
hand)  What's  that? 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (casually)  Ah  some  letter  or 
something ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (looking  over  "her  shoulder)  It 
looks  like  a  female  hand — you'd  better  let  me  see  it ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  no! — It  might  be — some- 
thing private,  you  know — and  it  doesn't  seem  quite 
right  to 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  It  doesn't  seem  quite  right  to 
find  strange  ladies'  letters  in  your  husband's 
pockets 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  But  it's — it's  only  business — I'm 
sure  of  that. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Then  there's  no  harm  in  look- 
ing at  it.  (taking  letter  and  envelope)  You  see  it's 
out  of  the  envelope — So  we  don't  open  it.  (reads 
letter— pause)  Well,  I  declare!! 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (rises  and  goes  to  her)  What  is  it? 
(reaching  for  letter) 

Mxts.  BATTERSON.   (drawing  letter  away)     No! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why — is  it — is  it  anything, 
mama? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Anything!! — (embracing  her) 
My  poor  dear,  you  must  prepare  yourself  for  the 
worst.  I've  suspected  for  some  time  that  things 
were  not  as  they  should  be,  but  I  had  no  idea  they 
were  as  bad  as  this! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    What  is  it?— What  does  it  say? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    You'd  better  not  hear  it — yet ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  I  must  know !  (pause)  Read 
it!  Read  it!!! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (reads)  "My  sweetest  of  little 
sugar-planters." 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Does  it  say  that? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.   (nods  "yes") 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    From  a — a  lady? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  25 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Do  you  suppose  a  man  would 
begin  like  that? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Who — who  is  it? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    "Clairette"! ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     "Clairette"!     (piteously) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes.  And  how  do  you  like  to 
have  this  creature  say 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (breaking  in  on  her)  No,  no! — 
don't  read  any  more — now  (goes  L.  a  little,  thinking) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Something  must  be  done. 
(pause)  Come  into  my  room!  My  poor  child! 
(goes  up  to  door  of  stateroom  No.  70  and  waits) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (pause  a  moment,  then  breaks 
down  and  goes  up  to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Mama ! ! ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Come  my  dear!!  (takes  her  off 
into  stateroom  No.  70) 

(Enter  DATHIS  and  BILLINGS  from  passage  up  L. 
DATHIS  comes  on  first  holding  medicine  bottle 
and  goes  down  R.,  then  crosses  over  to  L.) 

DATHIS.  But  I  tell  you,  sir — zis  ees  an  imposi- 
tion! It  ees 

BILLINGS,  (c.)  Say,  hold  on;  I  can't  under- 
stand a  word  you're  talking  about.  Don't  thrash 
about  the  ship  like  this— want  to  tell  you  how  it 
was — the  stuff  was  sent  to  me  you  know 

DATHIS.  (crossing  to  R.  again)  Then  why  did 
you  insist  that  I  should  take  it,  eh? 

BILLINGS.  What's  the  matter?  Can't  you  help  a 
fellow  out  on  a  little  thing  like  that,  eh? 

DATHIS.     Oh  zen  I  take  it  to  help  you,  eh? 

BILLINGS.  That's  the  way  it  is—do  as  much  for 
you  sometime — don't  talk  so  loud?  Dare  say  you 
know  how  it  is  yourself — if  you've  got  a  wife ! 

DATHIS.  Yes!  I  have  got  a  wife.  (BILLINGS 
takes  it  coolly.  Regards  DATHIS  an  instant. 
DATHIS  looks  searchingly  at  BILLINGS) 


26  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Yes — of  course — so  you  can — sympa- 
thize with  me — and  I  can  do  the  same  for  you — 
ought  to  do  these  little  things,  you  know — fellow 
voyagers  on  life's  sea — both  of  the  same — sex — and 
all  that — won't  you  join  me  in  a  little  (going  toward 
DATHIS  a  little — BILLINGS  takes  medicine  bottle. 
DATHIS  shakes  head  and  motion  of  hand)  Sorry — 
(putting  bottle  in  his  breast  pocket) — Might  do  you 
good — might  cure  you.  Traveling  for  pleasure,  I 
suppose 

DATHIS.  (rather  violently  and  suddenly)  No! — 
not  for  pleasure! 

BILLINGS.  Then  it  must  be  a  business  trip- 
hardly  thought — you  had  the  look  of  a  man  repre- 
senting a  wholesale  or  retail — something  of  a  diplo- 
matic or  artistic  nature? 

DATHIS.  (very  emphatically)  Sir!  I  am  an  im- 
porter of  French  wines  (going  to  BILLINGS.  BILL- 
INGS simply  regards  DATHIS  calmly  an  instant) 

BILLINGS,  (first  puts  cigar  in  mouth.)  Eecent 
attempt  at  tariff  reform  affected  your  trade  much? 

DATHIS.  Listen!  My  business  is  not  wines.  It 
was.  It  is  no  longer!  I  am  in  search  of  a  scoun- 
drel! (crosses  BILLINGS  to  L.  BILLINGS  regards 
DATHIS  coolly  a  few  seconds) 

BILLINGS.  Scoundrel,  eh!  (sits  L.  of  table  E. 
Cool — but  showing  by  a  glance  that  he  realizes  who 
DATHIS  is) 

DATHIS.  (hisses  it  out)  Y-e-s ! — Scoundrel !  He 
has  desolated  my  home!  He  has — (chokes  with  ex- 
citement. Going  to  BILLINGS)  But  I  have  tracked 
heem  to  zthis  sheep !  He  shall  fight  with  me ! 

BILLINGS.    That's  right. 

DATHIS.    You  would  do  the  same? 

BILLINGS.     Of  course— that's  what  I  always  do! 

DATHIS.  Then  I  shall  do  it!  It  is  easy  to  find 
him  now.  I  know  zthat  he  is  on  zthis  sheep — and 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  37 

(leaving  BILLINGS  and  going  down  L.  again.  Pulls 
out  photograph  excitedly,  trembling  hands)  I  have 
here  his  photograph!  (DATHIS  looks  earnestly  at 
photo  and  does  not  see  BILLINGS  bus.  BILLINGS 
quietly  turns  up  collar  of  his  coat) 

BILLINGS.  Got  everything  your  own  way,  haven't 
you? 

DATHIS.  Ze  photograph  is  torn — I  have  here  only 
ze  top  part  of  hees  head. 

BILLINGS.  Too  bad — what's  the  matter  with  the 
rest  of  it? 

DATHIS.  (goes  on  with  ferocity)  My  "Clairette," 
toy  wife,  has  torn  eet  away!  (BILLINGS  pauses  a 
minute — then  turns  down  collar  quietly)  But  this 
is  enough!  I  cannot  mistake — eft  I  see  zhe  top  of 
the  head  like  zhat! 

BILLINGS.  No  certainly  not.  Nobody  could  mis- 
take such  a  looking  thing  as  that,  but  you  have  all 
the  trouble  of 

DATHIS.  Zthe  trouble  is  nozthing  at  all!  I  will 
look  at  all  on  zthis  sheep,  (goes  over  to  BILLINGS 
who  is  still  seated  L.  of  table  B.)  Zthat  is  why  I  will 
ask  you  to  permeet  me — (reaching  for  BILLINGS' 
cap) 

BILLINGS.  Why,  certainly — anything  I  can  do  to 
(rising)  What  is  it?  (pause — to  DATHIS)  Wait 
here  a  minute — My  wife's 

DATHIS.    But  Monsieur — I  wish  you  to— — 

BILLINGS.  Just  going  to  the  stairs  here  to  tell 
her  I  can't  come.  Xow  look  here,  you,  old  man,  just 
a  minute — I  want  to  hear  all  about  this  photograph 
torn  in  two  and  you've  got  the  little  end  of  it.  Don't 
go  away — want  to  hear  the  rest  of  this! — (pulls 
knife  or  pocket  scissors  out  of  pocket  as  he  goes  up. 
Bus.  of  getting  ready  to  cut  hair.  Goes  up  stairway 
far  enough  to  hide  head) 


28  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS,  (speaking  off  up  stairway)  What  did 
you  say?  Yes,  I'm  here.  (BILLINGS  hair-cutting 
bus.  Head  out  of  sight — DATHIS  waits  down  L. 
looking  at  photograph)  No — don't  know  where  she 
is — better  look  in  the  smoking-room — if  she  isn't 
there,  look  somewhere  else!  No— can't  come  just 
now — Talking  business  with  a  man — be  up  in  a  few 
minutes!  (bus.  handfuls  of  hair,  etc.  BILLINGS 
puts  on  cap  and  comes  down  again  to  DATHIS) 
Have  to  attend  to  these  little  things — you  know  how 
it  is — Now — as  you  were  going  to  say — (comes  down 
and  sits  again  L.  of  table  B.) 

DATHIS.  I  shall  not  detain  you  long — (coming 
over  to  BILLINGS)  It  is  only  that  I  must  look  at 
everyone 

BILLINGS.    That's  all  right. 

DATHIS.  You  will  permeet  me — (removes  BILL- 
ING'S cap — starts  on  seeing  his  head  which  has  a 
patch  on  top  with  no  hair  on  it — then  looks  at  photo 
to  compare  it  and  speaks)  It  is  not  heem !  (returns 
photo  to  pocket) 

BILLINGS.  Anything  else  I  can  do  for  you,  old 
man — just  let  me  know. 

MRS.  BATTEESON.  (speaks  outside  from  her  state- 
room) I  shall  certainly  look  into  this  affair. 

(She  enters  from  her  stateroom  No.  70  followed  by 

MBS.  BILLINGS — and  sees  BILLINGS  seated  L.  of 

table  E. — as  ladies  enter  DATHIS  retires  up  a 

little   on   E. — and   watches   closely  scene   with 

BILLINGS  and  ladies.) 

MES.  BATTERSON.  There  he  is !  (stands  at  L.  with 
stern  and  determined  expression,  a  letter  in  her 
hand) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  So  he  is!  Augustus!  (R.  of 
MES.  BATTEESON) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  99 

BILLINGS.  What's  the  matter?  (rising)  Don't 
you  like  your  stateroom? 

MBS.  BILLINGS.     It  isn't  that. 

DATHIS.     (To  BILLINGS)     Ees  that  your  wife? 

BILLINGS     (To  DATHIS)     Looks  like  it. 

DATHIS.  (Aside  to  BILLINGS)  You  speak  to 
her  zther  from  ze  stairway  on  zthe  deck.  How  then 
does  she  come  from  her  cabin? 

BILLINGS.  (Aside  to  DATHIS)  That  is  funny, 
isn't  it?  She  must  have  got  in  the  window. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Augustus! 

BILLINGS,  (starts  toward  her — removing  cap) 
I'll  just  see  what  the  ladies  want.  Yes,  my  dear. 
(MRS.  BILLINGS  and  MRS.  BATTERSON  give  one  look 
and  shriek) 

DATHIS.  (coming  down  close  to  BILLINGS  E.  of 
him)  Why  does  your  wife  scream? 

BILLINGS.    You  frighten  her,  my  boy ! 

DATHIS.     What  have  I  done? 

BILLINGS.  How  do  I  know?  Some  damn  thing 
— anyone  can  see  that. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (pointing  to  BILLINGS'  head) 
Oh,  Augustus! 

DATHIS.    No,  no!    She  points  at  you! 

BILLINGS.  Don't  say  anything  about  it,  she  can't 
point  straight — she's  left-handed. 

DATHIS.  (after  a  look,  crosses  to  c.  between  BIL- 
LINGS and  ladies)  If  ze  ladies  desire  me  to  re- 

BILLINGS.  They  seem  to —  Perhaps  you'll  come 
around  some  other  time,  (going  right  with  him  up 
to  passageway  up  R.)  When  you're  fixed  up  a  little 
— our  room  is  72 — we'd  like  to  see  you  any  other 

time,  but  now  you  know (exit  DATHIS  E.  u.  E. 

BILLINGS  after  sending  DATHIS  off  comes  down  to 
ladies) 


30  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Augustus — what  is  itl  Where 
have  you  been? 

BILLINGS.    Engine  room. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Oh!    (subdued) 

BILLINGS.     Pretty  close  shave. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Mercy! 

BILLINGS.  Got  absorbed.  Didn't  notice  where  I 
was — standing  near  the  piston-rod.  (MRS.  BILLINGS 
shudders — BILLINGS  has  hat  off  until  end  of  this 
speech)  Suddenly  I  felt  my  hair  seized  in  a  grip  of 
iron — caught  by  the  suction  pump — slowly  wound  up 
on  the  starboard  windlass — struggle  with  might  and 

main No  use !  Drawn  nearer  and  nearer  every 

moment?  Suddenly  remember  —  pocket-knife! 
Snatched  it  out — cut  myself  loose — and  fell  ex- 
hausted into  the  ash-pan!  (sits  L.  of  table  R.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (great  and  breathless  earnestness) 
Oh,  Augustus!  (slight  pause)  Wasn't  that  dread- 
ful, mama? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes — very.  Now  go  to  your 
stateroom — I  wish  to  see  him  about  this !  (refers  to 
letter  she  has) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  yes!  I'd  forgotten  that. 
(going  to  him  at  table  and  taking  his  hand,  bring- 
ing him  down)  Oh,  I  hope  it — it  isn't  so,  Au- 
gustus. 

BILLINGS,  (rising  and  coming  down  R.  c.  with 
MRS.  BILLINGS)  Hope  what  isn't  so? 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (leaving  him  and  speaking  as  she 
goes  to  stateroom  No.  72)  Ask  mama!! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (standing  c.  looking  at  her — 
sees  MRS.  BILLINGS  off — then  turns  and  looks  at 
BILLINGS,  who  is  R. — long  pause  before  she  speaks — • 
they  stand  looking  at  one  another)  Of  course  I 
needn't  explain  what  it  is  I  desire  to  see  you  about ! 

BILLINGS,  (shakes  head)  Needn't  explain  any- 
thing you  don't  want  to.  (BILLINGS  looks  at  her  a 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  31 

moment  as  he  speaks,  then  goes  quickly  to  table  and 
reads  his  paper.  After  a  long  pause,  during  which 
MRS.  BATTERSON  looks  at  him ) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Pah!  As  if  you  didn't  know 
what  I  meant!  (going  over  to  him  at  table)  It's 
this  letter,  sir,  that  I  wish  to  have  explained.  (BIL- 
LINGS lowers  paper  and  looks  at  her) 

BILLINGS.  What  is  it?  (holds  out  hand  for 
letter) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (drawing  it  away)    Not  at  all. 

BILLINGS,  (resuming  paper)  Thought  you  wanted 
me  to  explain  something. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (rapidly — very  excitedly)  This 
is  what  I  want  you  to  explain:  We  found  it  in  the 
pocket  of  your  overcoat !  (reads  with  rapidity  and 
excitement)  "Monsieur: — You  must  go  away 
quickly.  My  husband  returns.  He  seizes  your  pho- 
tograph. I  also  seize  it — it  breaks — but  he  has 
still  a  part — he  is  most  violent — he 

BILLINGS,  (interrupting.  Nonchalantly — but  pene- 
trating tone.  Slight  motion  of  hand)  Say!  Wait 
a  minute,  (etc.,  until  MRS.  BATTERSON  stops)  That's 
the  one,  is  it? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  That's  the  one,  sir !  And  I  call 
on  you  to — to 

BILLINGS.  Say — hold  on  now — don't  call  on  me. 
You  go  and  call  on  the  man  it's  written  to.  (reads 
paper) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Written  to!  (sudden  glance  at 
letter  then  looks  at  BILLINGS)  It's  to  you,  isn't  it? 

BILLINGS,  (not  looking  up  shakes  head  nonchal- 
antly) 'Fraid  not.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  looks  at  letter) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (feeling  in  pocket)  Where — 

where's  the (pulls  envelope  from  pocket  and  looks 

at  it)  "Mr.  Alfred— Mr.  Alfred  Johnson— West  End 
Hotel — Long  Branch."  I  never  looked  at  the  envel- 
ope, (this  last  is  said  to  herself.  She  looks  at  BIL- 


3fc  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

LINGS.  BILLINGS  sits  silent,  reading  paper)  Johnson ! 
(pause.  BILLINGS  does  not  look  at  her)  Who  is  he? 
(goes  nearer  to  BILLINGS)  Who  is  this  Johnson? 
(sternly) 

BILLINGS.     Friend  of  mine,    (reads  again) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Do  you  open  letters  addressed 
to  your  friends? 

BILLINGS,  (reading)  Um — um — When  they  ask 
me  to. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    Where  is  this  friend  of  yours? 

BILLINGS.     Cuba. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  You  told  us  you  didn't  know 
anyone  there — outside  of  your  own  place. 

BILLINGS.    That's  right. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Oh — then  he's  on  your  planta- 
tion, is  he?  (BILLINGS  nods — trying  to  read  paper) 
Um!  (she  considers  a  moment)  You're  not  doing 
all  this  for  one  of  your  negro  workmen  are  you? 

BILLINGS.    Think  they're  all  niggers  on  my  place  ? 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    I  don't  know. 

BILLINGS.  Got  to  have  an  overseer  or  something 
haven't  I? 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Oh,  then  this  Johnson  is  your 
overseer  ? 

BILLINGS.  Believe  so.  (aside.)  Have  to  pass 
Billy  off  as  my  overseer.  But  that's  all  right — 
he'd 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (looks  at  envelope  again)  And 
his  name  is  Mr.  Alfred — Johnson. 

BILLINGS,  (aside)  Got  to  change  his  name  to 
Johnson — Won't  mind  that — do  anything  for  me. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Well,  I  must  say  this  throws 
rather  an  interesting  light  on  your  overseer's  char- 
acter. 

BILLINGS.    Think  so,  do  you? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  33 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Think  so!  (looks  at  BILLINGS 
an  instant)  The  presence  of  such  a  man  makes  the 
place  an  undesirable  one  for  my  daughter  to  visit. 
(going  right  to  him)  The  first  thing  I  shall  do 
will  be  to  discharge  the  fellow,  (going  over  to  her 
stateroom) 

BILLINGS.  She's  going  to  discharge  Billy  from  his 
own  place,  I  want  to  see  that. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (at  her  stateroom  door  No.  70) 
What  I  cannot  understand  is  that  you  should  have 
permitted  such  a 

(Enter  MBS.  BILLINGS  from  her  stateroom  No.  72.) 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (standing  by  her  stateroom  and 
speaking  up  to  MBS.  BATTEBSON,  who  is  at  her  state- 
room door)  Mama  !  Is  it — is  he 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (at  her  stateroom  door  No.  70) 
It  seems  the  letter  was  not  addressed  to  him.  It 
was  for  his  overseer — a  Mr.  Alfred  Johnson.  (MBS. 
BATTEBSON  exits  into  stateroom  No.  70) 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (after  watching  MBS.  BATTEBSON 
off  turns  to  BILLINGS)  Oh,  I'm  so  glad,  (goes  to 
BILLINGS  and  puts  her  arms  around  him)  I— didn't 
doubt  you,  Augustus — only  it  did  look  so  dreadful. 
(BILLINGS  regards  her  calmly)  Now  come  and  see 
our  stateroom !  I've  put  it  in  beautiful  order,  (get- 
ting BILLINGS  up  from  chair  and  leading  him  over 
to  L.  c.  BILLINGS  lets  her  lead  him  in  absent- 
minded  sort  of  way.  Taking  off  BILLINGS'  cap  and 
looking  at  the  state  of  his  head)  And  do  let  me  trim 
your  hair  a  little,  you  look  like  a  perfect  fright! 
(taking  him  nearer  to  stateroom  and  looking  up  in 
his  face  lovingly)  And  you  will  forgive  me  about 
that  letter — won't  you,  Augustus? 

BILLINGS.    What  letter? 

MBS.  BILLINGS.    Why,  the  one  Mama 


34  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Oh,  that's  all  right  1  (they  exit  into 
stateroom  72) 

(Enter  MACKINTOSH  and  LEONORA  from  passage- 
way up  R.  Hurriedly  they  glance  behind  them 
as  they  come  as  if  trying  to  elude  someone. 
MACKINTOSH  comes  on  first) 

LEONORA.  Do  you  think  he  saw  us?  (goes  and 
sits  L.  of  table  R.) 

MACKINTOSH.  No — he  was  looking  over  at  that 
schooner,  (comes  and  leans  over  back  of  table,  his 
face  near  her)  My  own  love. 

LEONORA.  Papa  is  so  inconsiderate.  To  follow  us 
everywhere — when  we  love  each  other  so. 

MACKINTOSH.    Yes,  my  darling. 

LEONORA.  Oh  how  good  that  you  couldn't  get  off 
—wasn't  it? 

MACKINTOSH.    It  was  the  voice  of  fate. 

LEONORA.  Yes — but — but  when  we  get  there — 
Harry — and  that  dreadful  man  comes  to  take  me. 

MACKINTOSH.  I  will  appeal  to  him — as  an  hon- 
orable man — I  will 

(Enter  FADDISH  hurriedly  down  the  cabin  stairway. 
He  is  looking  around  for  his  daughter.) 

LEONORA.    Oh!    Here's  papa. 
(MACKINTOSH  comes  R.  of  table  R.  and  sits.  LEONORA 
and     MACKINTOSH     sit,     motionless,     staring 
blankly  before  them  like  wax  figures.    FADDISH 
sees  them.     He  comes  down  L.  of  LEONORA.) 
FADDISH.    All  this  familiarity  has  got  to  stop. 
Suppose  it  was  reported  to  him  how  you'd  carried  on. 
He  might  refuse  to  marry  you. 
LEONORA.    I  wish  he  would. 
FADDISH.    Well— he    might    hear   of    it— there's 
some  people  right  here  on  this  boat  going  to  the 
same  place.     Suppose  they  knew  him  and  told  him 
all  about  it. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  35 

LEONORA.     I  wish  they  would. 

FADDISH,  (severely)  Don't  say  another  word. 
(goes  over  and  sits  R.  of  table  L.  Three  sit  in  an 
awkward  silence  for  a  moment.  To  MACKINTOSH) 
What  did  you  say? 

MACKINTOSH.     I  didn't  say  anything. 

FADDISH.  Well — there's  nothing  to  be  said. 
(crossing  his  legs)  It's  all  settled. 

LEONORA.  Oh  papa!  (rises  and  goes  toward 
FADDISH) 

FADDISH.  As  soon  as  you  see  what  a  beautiful 
place  he's  got.  (rising  to  her) 

LEONORA.  How  do  you  know  what  he's  got? 
(turns  from  FADDISH  impetuously  and  returns  to 
chair;  does  not  sit) 

FADDISH.  A  rich  sugar  planter  such  as  he  is — 
must  have  everything. 

LEONORA.  Well,  I  know  he's  perfectly  dreadful. 
(sits) 

FADDISH,  (going  to  LEONORA)  These  people  that 
the  purser  told  me  were  going  to  Santiago  might 
know  about  him  and  what  kind  of  a  place  it  is.  We 
can  ask  them  anyway — it  will  do  no  harm. 

LEONORA.  I  don't  want  to  hear  anything  about 
him — or  his  place — or  any  place. 

(Enter  MRS.  BATTERSON  from  her  stateroom  No.  70, 
goes  and  knocks  with  key  on  MRS.  BILLINGS' 
door  No.  72.) 

FADDISH,  (seeing  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Sh !  There's 
one  of  the  ladies — now! 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (when  MRS.  BATTERSON  knocks 
speaks  from  inside)  Coming,  mama!  (speaking 
back  into  stateroom)  You'll  come  up  on  deck  soon, 
won't  you,  Augustus? 

BILLINGS.    Yes,  in  about  a  week. 


36  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Come,  Jennie,  we  won't  wait 
for  him. 

(MBS.  BATTEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS  start  toward 
stairway.  FADDISH  steps  deferentially  to  inter- 
cept them.) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  I'm  so  glad  you  found  that 
letter  wasn't  for  him. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  Yes,  but  it  shows  things  are 
not  as  they  should  be  on  the  plantation.  I  am  going 
to  make  a  thorough 

FADDISH,  (removing  hat  and  bowing)  I  beg  your 
pardon,  ladies.  It  is  allowed — on  a  voyage,  I  be- 
lieve— to  speak  without  the  formality  of  an  intro- 
duction. 

(FADDISH  is  up  B.  c.,  MBS.  BATTEBSON  c.,  and  MBS. 
BILLINGS  L.  c.) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    Certainly. 
(nearly  together) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.     Oh  yes. 

FADDISH.  Hem — thank  you.  My  name  is  Fad- 
dish. I  am — one  of  the  Faddishes  of  Tadousac — 
Province  of  Quebec.  You  may  have  heard  them — e 
— spoken  of 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  No.  (shaking  head)  I'm 
afraid  not.  (Mas.  BILLINGS  also  shakes  head 
negatively) 

FADDISH.     Quite  a  well  known  family 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  We're  hardly  acquainted  in 
Canada,  sir.  We  are  from  Yonkers. 

FADDISH.    Ah — Yonkers — yes.    Is    that — e is 

that  in  this  country? 

(Mss.  BATTEBSON  is  too  proud  to  reply.) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  37 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes — quite  near  New  York. 

FADDISH.  Ah — a  very — a  very  large  place  New 
York.  I — um — we  and  my  daughter  and  myself — 
have  (as  if  introducing)  This  is  my  daughter. 
(LEONORA  rises  and  makes  a  partial  bow.  MACK- 
INTOSH rises  and  goes  up  disgusted.  MRS.  BATTER- 
SON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  also  bow,  slightly  murmur- 
ing "How  d'ye  do"  etc.)  We  are  on  our  way  to 
Santiago. 

MRS.  BATTERSON  AND  MRS.  BILLINGS.    Oh!  Ah! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  In  Cuba?  You  know  there 
are  so  many  Santiagoe. 

FADDISH.  Yes — Madam — Santiago  di  Cuba — ha, 
ha! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Why,  we're  going  there  too. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Yes. 

FADDISH.  So  the — ah — purser  told  me,  indeed 
that  was  my  excuse  for  addressing  you  so  abruptly. 
I  thought  perhaps  you  could — e — give  us  some  in- 
formation about  the  place — or 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     Oh,  no!   (shakes  head) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  No.  (shaking  head)  We've 
never  been  there. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Yes — this  is  our  first  visit. 

FADDISH.  Ah — I'm  sorry,  as — e — e — we  wanted 
to  inquire — e 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes,  but  mama,  you  know  Au- 
gustus. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes,  why  of  course — Mr.  Bil- 
lings— call  him,  dear.  (To  FADDISH)  He's  been 
there  a  deal. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (with  some  pride)  Yes,  indeed. 
He  owns  one  of  the  largest  sugar  places  there.  (MRS. 
BILLINGS  goes  left  toward  her  stateroom) 

FADDISH.  Ah — really — then  he  can  tell  me — the 
—- e — very  things  I  want  to  know. 


38  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Augustus,  come  out  here  a  mo- 
ment, won't  you?  (looking  into  stateroom  No.  72) 

BILLINGS.     No,  no,  not  now. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes,  just  a  moment.  Someone 
wants  to  see  you. 

BILINGS.     Send  him  in. 

FADDISH.  Ah — this  is  very  kind  of  you,  Mrs. 
Billings— I 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Batterson — Mr.  Billings  is  my 
son-in-law. 

FADDISH.    Ah — excuse  me!    I  supposed 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Yes,  certainly. 

(They  converse.  Enter  BILLINGS  L.  as  if  just  risen. 
A  pillow  in  one  hand.  He  looks  sick.  MACK- 
INTOSH comes  down  R.  of  LEONORA.) 

BILLINGS.    Who  is  it? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  A  gentleman  who  spoke  to  us 
just  now.  (MRS.  BILLINGS  motions  toward  FADDISH 
— and  in  a  way  to  ask  BILLINGS  to  speak  low) 

BILLINGS.     What!    That  old  duck? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Sh !  Yes — there's  something  he 
wants  to  know.  (MRS.  BILLINGS  leads  way  across 
toward  c.  BILLINGS  tosses  pillows  back  into  room, 
etc.) 

BILLINGS.  He  looks  it!  (aside — as  he  tosses 
pillow  back  into  stateroom)  'Fraid  it  was  that 
damned  Frenchman.  (BILLINGS  follows  MRS.  BIL- 
LINGS towards  c.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  This  is  the  gentleman — Mr.  Fad- 
dish— did  you  say?  (FADDISH  assents  with  "yes — 
ha,  ha")  My  husband,  Mr.  Billings,  (sort  of  par- 
tial introduction) 

BILLINGS,  (nodding  pleasantly)  How  are  you 

(BILLINGS  does  not  offer  to  shake  hands.  As  he 
speaks  he  moves  leisurely  across  MRS.  BATTERSON 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  39 

and  MRS.  BILLINGS  toward  but  not  too  near  FAD- 
DISH) 

FADDISH.  I  am  honored  to  make  your  acquaint- 
ance, sir. 

BILLINGS.    That's  all  right— G-- What  was  the 

MRS.  BATTEKSON.  (slowly  and  distinctly)  Mr. 
Faddish  wants  you  to  tell  him  about  Cuba. 

BILLINGS,  (not  fazed  for  an  instant.  No  start  or 
twitch  or  movement  of  eyes)  Cuba,  eh?  (hands  in 
side  pockets  easily) 

FADDISH.  Only  a  question  or  two,  my  dear  sir. 
I  know  you  have  been  disturbed  in  your 

BILLINGS.  Not  at  all — nothing  disturbs  me — 
(takes  FADDISH'S  arm  and  starts  to  take  him  up 
stage)  How  about  the  smoking  room  and  have  a 
quiet  little 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    No,  no — we  want  to  hear. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes.  You  know  we're  going 
there  too. 

BILLINGS,  (to  FADDISH — easily  and  pleasantly) 
See  how  it  is — they're  going  too — you  can  talk  it  all 
over  with  them,  while  I — (getting  a  cigar  ready  he 
wanted  to  go  and  smoke.  As  if  to  go) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  No,  wait,  Augustus,  (a  quick 
remonstrance) 

MRS.  BATTEESON.  Stop,  how  could  we  tell  him, 
Mr.  Billings? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    He  wants  to  know  about  Cuba. 

BILLINGS.  He  yer — (an  abbreviated  "Oh  yes") 
That's  different— of  course.  Thought  it  was  Yonk- 
ers  or  something. 

FADDISH.  No — Cuba,  sir,  and  I  shall  be  a  thou- 
sand times 

BILLINGS.  That's  all  right,  (hands  on  FADDISH'S 
shoulder,  comradery  bus.) 

FADDISH.    Now,  if  you  could  tell  me 


40  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Tell  you  all  about  it —  Charming 
place — very  hot  in  winter,  but  the  nights  are  cold, 
no  mosquitoes  or  malaria,  and  drives  in  every  di- 
rection. 

FADDISH.    And  is  the  country  very 

BILLINGS.  No — not  so  much  as  you'd  expect. 
Though  here  and  there  it  is. 

FADDISH.  And  the  general  surface,  sir — do  you 
find  it ? 

BILLINGS.  Oh,  we  find  it  that  way  very,  very 
often. 

FADDISH.    Find  what,  sir? 

BILLINGS.  Find  it  mostly  rolling,  with  here  and 
there  a  place  where  it  doesn't  roll  so  much. 

FADDISH.    Dear  me !  I  heard  it  was  mostly  level. 

BILLINGS.  That's  just  what  it  is,  where  it  doesn't 
roll — of  course  it  can't  roll  all  the  time — couldn't 
any  of  us  do  that,  you  know. 

FADDISH.  Ha !  Ha !  Of  course  not,  no,  no — and 
the  sugar  crop. 

BILLINGS.  Can't  say  much  for  the  sugar  crop — 
we  lost  a  few  trees  from  early  blight — right  on  top 
o'  that  potato-bug  came  along,  and  knocked  seven- 
teen different  kinds  of 

MR.  BATTERSON.  ) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    >  Potato-bug ! ! ! 

FADDISH. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Dear  me! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Do  you  mean  to  say  they  have 
potato-bugs,  Mr.  Billings. 

BILLINGS.  Have  everything.  Isn't  a  thing  you 
could  name  that  doesn't  grow  in  Cuba. 

FADDISH.  Dear  me — it  must  be  a  wonderful 
country. 

BILLINGS.  Yes (turning  up  stage  as  if  to 

end  it)  You  ought  to  like  it  down  there. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Do  you  remain  in  Cuba  long? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  44 

FADDISH.  Well — hem — my  daughter  expects  to 
remain  there — permanently  (significant  glance  at 
LEONORA)  The  fact  is,  she  is  on  her  way  to  the 
altar,  madam.  (MACKINTOSH  turns  up  stage  dis- 
gusted.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON  AND  MRS.  BILLINGS.  Ah,  in- 
deed, (interested  at  once — nearly  together — mur- 
muring) Really,  how  interesting ! 

FADDISH.    Yes,  yes,  ha! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Do  you  hear  that,  Augustus. 
(going  to  BILLINGS,  who  is  up  stage  L.  c.)  Miss 
Faddish  is  to  he  married  in  Cuba. 

BILLINGS.  That's  too  bad.  (MRS.  BILLINGS 
comes  down  again) 

FADDISH.  Yes — ha,  ha !  it  is  a  betrothal.  It  was 
all  arranged  by  my  brother.  She  has  never  seen  her 
future  husband. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    What! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Not  seen  him! 

FADDISH.  You  see,  we  Canadians  have  some  of 
the  French  customs  still  left  among  us.  (BILLINGS 
goes  up  staircase  as  if  to  go  off) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (looking  sympathetically  at 
LEONORA)  Dear  me! 

FADDISH,  (going  up  to  BILLINGS  on  stairs)  One 
moment  if  you  could  spare  it,  sir.  (bringing  BIL- 
LINGS down  steps)  I  thought  perhaps,  sir,  that  you 
might  happen  to  know  the — the  gentleman  who — 
that  is 

BILLINGS,  (up  stage — shakes  head  emphatically  as 
if  to  settle  it  quick)  Not  at  all — never  heard  of  him. 
(remains  up  a  little  to  keep  out  of  the  discussion) 

FADDISH.  He  is  a  sugar  planter — like  yourself, 

sir.  His  name  is  Johnson,  and  he (BILLINGS 

calmly  regards  FADDISH  without  moving  or  display- 
ing any  surprise  or  emotion) 


48  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

Mas.  BATTEBSON  AND  MBS.  BILLINGS,  (looking 
round  at  FADDISH  with  start  of  surprise,  sotto) 
What,  Johnson! 

FADDISH.  Yes,  that's  the  name,  I  believe,  (pauses, 
seeing  expression  of  surprise  on  ladies'  faces.  BIL- 
LINGS looks  on  coolly) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Oh,  Mr.  Billings  can  tell  you 
about  him. 

FADDISH.    Really. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Why,  Mr.  Johneon  is  his  over- 
seer! 

LEONORA.    Overseer.         ( 

MACKINTOSH.    Overseer,  -j  (nearly  together) 

FADDISH.    Overseer.          ( 

BILLINGS,  (shaking  head  and  coming  quickly  to 
FADDISH  then  turning  up  again  after  speech)  Not 
at  all — Couldn't  be  the  one,  Johnsons  everywhere, 
woods  full  of  them ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (to  FADDISH)  Do  you  know 
anything  about  the  place  where  he  is? 

FADDISH.  It  is  a  mile  from  the  city — they  call  it 
the  Columbia. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     That's  it.    (nearly  together) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  The  very  one.  (all  look  at  BIL- 
LINGS) 

BILLINGS,  (aside)  Damned  if  Billy  hasn't  got  a 
Johnson  on  his  place. 

FADDISH.  But  I  understood  he  was  the  owner  of 
the  estate. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  The  owner!  I  should  say  not. 
(crossing  over  to  FADDISH) 

FADDISH,  (turning  to  BILLINGS,  who  is  up  stage 
a  little)  Can  you  tell  me — e — what  sort  of  a  man 
he  is,  sir? 

BILLINGS,  (turning  cheerfully  to  FADDISH)  Oh 
— Johnson?  Trifle  lively,  of  course — that's  the  way 
it  is  in  Cuba — but  he's  a  jolly  good  fellow — and 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  43 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Mr.  Billings! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  mama!  It's  cruel  to  tell 
them. 

FADDISH.  I  fear  from  your  manner,  ladies,  that 
there  is  something  wrong.  I  beg  you  to  let  me  know 
— before  it  is  too  late. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Wrong!  (approaching  FAD- 
DISH) Mr.  Faddish,  he  is  simply  the  most  aban- 
doned  

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (pulling  her  mother  around) 
Mama ! 

BILLINGS,  (stepping  between  MRS.  BATTERSON 
and  FADDISH  in  the  pause  made  by  MRS.  BILLINGS 
interruption)  See  here —  (gets  FADDISH  while  MRS. 
BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  are  expostulating) 
Needn't  disturb  yourself — at  all,  he's  really  a  nice, 

decent  sort  of  a (taking  FADDISH'S  arm  in 

brotherly  comradery) 

LEONORA,  (going  up  to  FADDISH  on  other  side 
from  BILLINGS  and  pulling  around  her)  Papa,  do 
you  think  I  am  going  to  marry  such  a  man  as  that  ? 

MACKINTOSH.  And  do  you  think  I  am  going  to 
let  her  marry  such  a  man  as  that? 

BILLINGS,  (aside)  I'm  fixing  a  nice  mess  for 
Johnson — whoever  he  is.  (goes  up) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (crossing  to  FADDISH  and  fol- 
lowed by  MRS.  BILLINGS)  It's  my  duty  to  let  him 
know. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    But  mama! 

(Bus.  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  talking 
to  FADDISH,  LEONORA,  etc.,  on  R.) 

(Enter  DATHIS  quickly  up  L.  in  a  very  nervous  state 
of  mind,  loolcing  this  way  and  that,  and  holding 
the  photograph,  etc.,  in  his  hand) 


44  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS,  (meets  DATHIS  up  a  little  in  order  to 
conduct  him  down  L.  away  from  others.  To  DATHIS) 
Hullo,  old  man — how  are  you  getting  on? 

DATHIS.  He  conceals  himself — I  have  searched 
the  kitchen — the  store-room — the  cabin 

BILLINGS,  (trying  to  get  DATHIS  away)  Haven't 
tried  the  port  scupper,  have  you?  (takes  DATHIS' 
arm)  Just  the  place  he'd  be  likely  to  go.  Show 
you  where  it  is. 

DATHIS.  (suddenly  "breaking  away)  Wait! 
(trying  to  get  toward  ladies)  I  will  first  address 
these  ladies 

BILLINGS,  (stopping  DATHIS)  No — not  just  now 
— they're  busy! 

DATHIS.  (crossing  in  front  of  BILLINGS  and  speak- 
ing to  ladies)  I  care  nothing  for  such  things! 
Madam!  (Mas.  BATTEESON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS 
turn  to  DATHIS) 

BILLINGS,  (pulling  DATHIS  around  easily)  Did 
you  hear  what  I  said — they're  busy. 

DATHIS.  What  is  that  to  me —  (breaking  away 
and  turning  again  to  ladies)  Ladies! — pardon  me 
— I  search  for  a  villain  on  this  sheep,  (producing 
photo)  Here's  a  picture  of  his  face!! 

BILLINGS,  (coming  suddenly  between  and  seiz- 
ing DATHIS  by  wrist)  Say,  look  here!  (holding 
DATHIS.  All  looking  in  surprise)  You  can't  show 
that  picture  to  my  wife.  It's  indecent,  (all  aston- 
ished) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     Is  the  man  crazy? 

BILLINGS,  (holding  DATHIS  back.   DATHIS  strug- 

?les  to  free  himself)    Call  the  doctor  or  someone! 
can't  hang  onto  him  all  day. 
MRS.  BATTERSON,  MRS.  BILLINGS,  LEONORA,  FAD- 
DISH (alarmed  and  starting  to  go  R.  and  L.  and  up 
staircase)    Oh !  Quick !  Yes,  yes !  Eun !  He's  crazy ! 
(etc.) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  45 

DATHIS.  (breaking  away  from  BILLINGS  and 
crossing  quickly  to  extreme  B.  and  turning  to  others 
up  stage)  It  is  a  lie.  I  seek  a  scoundrel  by  the 
name  of  Johnson! 

MRS.  BATTEESON  AND  MES.  BILLINGS,  (all  char- 
acters turn  and  look  at  DATHIS)  Johnson! 

FADDISH,  LEONOEA  AND  MACKINTOSH,  (stopping 
B.  and  up)  Johnson! 

DATHIS.  Johnson — who  has  the  sugar  plantation 
in  Santiago. 

MES.  BATTEESON.  It's  his  overseer!  (pointing 
to  BILLINGS) 

DATHIS.  (pointing  to  BILLINGS,  who  is  down 
over  L.)  You  know  this  man? 

MBS.  BATTEESON.    Why  he's  on  his  place! 

MES.  BILLINGS.     Yes,  yes!  (nearly  together) 

DATHIS.  (to  audience  B.)  At  last  I  shall  come 
face  to  face  with  this  cowardly  scoundrel. 

FADDISH,  (tremulous  excitement.  Coming  down 
to  DATHIS)  What  are  you  going  to  do? 

DATHIS.  (turning  on  FADDISH  and  speaking 
right  to  him)  Kill  heem !  (general  gasps  and 
slight  screams  from  ladies,  FADDISH  gives  a  yelp  of 
despair.  MES.  BATTEESON  croaks  out  a  note  of  hor- 
ror) 

BILLINGS.  My  God — if  there  is  a  Johnson  down 
there  he's  going  to  have  a  picnic. 

(As  curtain  comes  down  MES.  BILLINGS  and  MBS. 
BATTEESON  go  over  to  BILLINGS  L.,  DATHIS  and 
FADDISH  down  E.,  MACKINTOSH  and  LEONOEA 
up  stage  B.  c.  Music  ff.) 

CUBTAIN 


46  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

ACT  II 

SCENE.— Set  in  3. 

A  room  in  Johnson's  house  on  the  "Columbia" 
Sugar  and  Coffee  Plantation,  Santiago-de-Cuba. 
Large  opening  (representing  window)  at  back 
L.  to  L.  c.,  with  large  awning  on  outside,  backed 
by  balustrade  and  "Cuban"  landscape.  (The 
ground  is  supposed  to  be  about  6  feet  below 
balustrade,  so  back  drop  must  be  hung  to  con- 
vey this.) 

Two  small  solid  doors  near  together  at  back  R. 
to  R.  c.,  backed  by  very  rough  looking  interior 
showing  plain  board  and  rafter  walls. 
Opening  R.  1  E.  back  of  porch,  house  and  land- 
scape showing  road  in  distance. 
Opening  L.  1  E.  similar  to  opening  R.  1  E.  backed 
by  rough  kitchen  interior. 

JOGS  IN"  SCENE.— One  between  opening  R.  1  E. 
and  first  small  door — A  small  jog  between  the 
two  small  doors  and  one  just  above  opening 
L.  1  E. 

Locks  and  keys  on  both  small  doors.  Panel  in 
upper  R.  corner  of  door  nearest  "dresser"  to  be 
fixed  to  be  smashed  in  by  "Johnson"  in  Act. 
III. 

PKOPEKTIES.— Lounge  over  R.  between  opening 
E.  1  E.  and  first  small  door,  improvised  out  of 
plain  boards,  padded  on  top  with  excelsior  and 
sacking — with  two  ordinary  rough  wooden  tres- 
tles for  legs — large  coarse  white  pillow  on  lounge 
— the  whole  to  be  covered  with  two  large  white 
fur  robes. 

Plain  deal  table  over  L.  with  common  "kitchen 
chairs  on  either  side — clean  bucket,  with  clean 
water  and  dipper  on  floor  at  back  of  table — Old 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  47 

common  cover  on  table — Old  kitchen  dresser. 
Rough  packing-case  in  front  dresser  and  rather 
over  to  the  L.  side  of  it — small  soap  box  in  front 
of  packing  case  R.  side  of  it  to  step  on — wicker 
rocking  chair  in  window  near  dresser  with  back 
to  the  audience — small  three-legged  stool  just 
below  first  small  door  and  near  head  of  lounge 
— tea-chest  against  scene  below  opening  R.  1  E. 
to  stand  on.  Large  rough  packing-case  outside 
opening  L.  1  E.  against  packing — old  hamper  on 
it — Old  fashioned  gun  in  corner  above  opening 
L.  1  E. — book  shelf  hung  on  scene  between  open- 
ing L.  1  E.  and  window — inkstand  and  quill 
pen,  old  cigar  boxes  and  other  rubbish  on  book 
shelf.  Small  mirror  on  scene  up  stage  end  of 
"book  shelf — large  wooden  pipe  rack  with  sev- 
eral briar  pipes  and  two  or  three  clays  in  it, 
hung  on  scene  underneath  bookcase. 

On  dresser  up  c. — Large  deep-toned  dinner  bell 
on  L.,  brandy  bottle  with  only  one  drink  in  it — 
and  two  small  "poney"  whiskey  glasses — 12 
little  coffee  sacks — one  of  them  open  and  filled 
with  real  coffee — the  others  with  sawdust,  of 
course.  The  coffee  sacks  should  be  stood  up 
together,  neatly  on  R.  side  of  "dresser" — Maga- 
zine on  one  of  the  lower  shelves  L.  Old-fash- 
ioned powder-flask  hung  on  R.  side  of  dresser — 
All  sorts  of  old  rubbish  to  fill  up  shelves — 
skins  of  animals  hung  on  scene — one  on  scene 
just  above  lounge,  tacked  up  lightly,  so  that 
MRS.  BATTERSON  can  tear  them  down  easily — 
also  skin  for  same  purpose  tacked  on  scene  be- 
tween dresser  and  window. 


Scene  decorated  prettily  with  all  sorts  of  trop- 
ical palms,  orange,  lemon,  and  peach  branches 


48  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

with  fruit  on  them — also  grapes  on  grape-vines 
and  any  kind  of  tropical  flowers. 
Four  big  armfuls  of  tropical  branches  with 
green  on  them  for  negroes  to  bring  on — also 
two  large  bunches  of  bananas  tied  on  one  of  the 
branches  for  BILLINGS  to  pull  off — Have  strong 
string  tied  on  stalk  of  banana  bunches  for 
"FREDERICK"  to  hang  them  on  scene  by. 

DISCOVERED.— At  rise: 

JOHNSON'S  man  FREDERICK  on  table,  which  has 
been  placed  against  scene  below  opening  L.  1  E. 
for  him  to  stand  on  (negro  moves  it  back  into 
its  place  later.) 

One  negro  down  stage  c.  kneeling  over  some 
green  branches  on  floor — another  negro  over  R. 
up  stage  watching  proceeding — Negro  on  floor 
is  sorting  out  branches  to  hang  on  walls.  FRED- 
ERICK on  table  begins  shouting  ad.  lib.  before 
curtain  rises  at  the  two  negroes  who  are  to  come 
on  at  rise  from  window,  bringing  in  branches. 

AT  EISE. — Two  negroes  enter  after  curtain  is  well 
up  from  window  having  each  an  armful  of  green 
branches. — They  come  on  slowly  and  stupidly 
and  stand  looking  vacantly  with  branches  in 
arms  until  FREDERICK  tells  them  to  put  them 
down. 

MUSIC. — Drops  to  pp.  at  rise  and  is  kept  up  until 
JOHNSON  enters. 

FREDERICK,  (spoken  on  table  L.  before  rise)  Here! 
'urry  along  there  now  you  lazy  swine !  Bring  that 
stuff  in  'ere!  Don't  be  all  day  about  it!  etc.,  etc. 
(Curtain  rises)  Come  along  now !  this  way !  bring 
it  in  here — come  now,  get  a  move  on  ye,  can't  ye! 
(to  first  negro,  who  has  entered  from  window  and 
stands  holding  his  armful  of  branches)  What  are 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  49 

ye  standing  there  looking  at  the  floor  for,  ye  silly 
looking  swine?  Put  it  down,  will  ye!  (to  other 
negro  who  has  entered  from  window  and  stands 
holding  branches)  Who  are  you  looking  at?  Who 
do  you  think  you're  looking  at?  put  it  down,  can't 
ye?  Now  go  and  bring  another  lot  in,  will  ye? 
(they  go  off  at  window)  That  lot  goes  over 
there !  (pointing  to  negro,  who  is  discovered  kneel- 
ing c.  at  rise,  indicating  him  to  take  the  green 
stuff  beside  him  over  B.)  Come,  'urry  up  now! 
we've  got  to  get  this  room  finished  afore  Mr. 
Johnson  comes  in.  (negro  whom  he  has  just 
spoken  to  takes  branch  of  fruit,  and  going  over 
B.  with  it  gets  up  on  tea  chest  below  B.  1  E.  and 
places  it  as  high  as  he  can  on  scene.  FBEDEBICK  has 
turned  his  back  to  him  to  hang  a  piece  of  green 
which  he  has  in  his  hand  on  scene  and  finishes 
talking  while  doing  it.)  If  he  should  come  in,  and 
this  room  wasn't  finished  he'd  raise  the  roof  off  the 
place,  (has  fixed  piece  of  green  on  scene,  and 
turning  at  end  of  speech  sees  negro  hanging  green 
high  up  on  scene  R.  1  E.)  Not  so  high  up,  you  fool! 
Come  down  ofi  there,  you  blasted  idiot,  (going  over, 
pulling  him  down  and  taking  green  from  him) 
What  do  you  think  you  look  like  up  there  anyhow? 
What  do  you  think  you  look  like?  You  silly  looking 
"muggins."  (crossing  him  and  going  up  to  win- 
dow) If  I  don't  get  this  done  Vll  go  on  terrible! 
It's  all  my  life's  worth ! — Wonder  I  ain't  dead  and 
buried  long  ago!  (calling  off  to  two  negroes,  who 
are  coming  on  with  bananas)  Here,  bring  that  lot 
in  here.  Come  'urry  up  now,  get  a  move  on  ye, 
can't  ye?  Move  along  now!  Move  along!  I  know 
they're  'eavy,  but  it  can't  be  helped,  (negroes  stand 
up  c.  with  bananas  which  they  have  brought  on) 
Don't  stand  there  'olding  'em.  (yelling  at  them) 
You  blockheads— put  'em  down,  can't  ye?  (they  put 


50  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

them  down  and  step  on  one  side  watching  FREDERICK 
decorate  scene — in  fact  all  through  the  scene  negroes 
let  FREDERICK  do  all  the  work  and  stand  watching 
him  while  he  bustles  about,  and  the  only  time 
they  move  quickly  is  in  the  presence  of  JOHNSON. 
Taking  up  the  bunch  of  bananas  and  hanging  it 
on  hook  or  nail  between  two  small  doors  R.  c.) 
And  he's  expecting  the  girl  he's  going  to  marry 
on  the  steamer  to-day,  that's  why  he's  so  furious 
about  having  it  done,  (coming  down  and  getting 
other  bunch  of  bananas,  which  he  hangs  on  scene 
between  lower  smaller  door  and  opening  R.  1  E.) 
Well  I  only  'ope  after  the  wedding's  over  and  'e's  all 
comfortable  married  and  settled  down  like,  it'll 
improve  his  temper!  At  any  rate  he  might  take 
it  out  of  'er  instead  o'  me!  (going  over  c.  and 
selecting  branch  of  fruit  and  one  branch  of  foliage, 
and  getting  over  R.  with  them  as  if  to  hang  them  on 
scene)  I  'ope  she  makes  a  more  genteeler  mistress 
than  'e  makes  a  genteel  master !  A  pretty  'ard  man 
that  Mr.  Johnson,  I  can  tell  ye !  It  was  very  differ- 
ent when  Mr.  Loundsberry  was  'ere !  'E  was  always 
good  tempered,  he  was! 

(Standing  over  R.  During  scene  one  negro  has 
brought  table  from  where  FREDERICK  has  been 
standing  on  it  and  placed  it  between  the  chairs 
I*) 

(Enter  JOHNSON  from  window,  negroes  and  FRED- 
ERICK have  their  backs  turned  and  don't  see 
JOHNSON  enter.  JOHNSON  stands  looking  at 
them  all  a  minute  then  cracks  big  rawhide  whip 
that  he  carries  to  indicate  for  negroes  to  clear 
out;  as  he  cracks  whip  some  go  off  R.  and  others 
L. — some  sneak  off  quietly,  others  hurry.  JOHN- 
SON goes  over  to  dresser  c.  and  pours  out  drink 
of  brandy  and  drinks.  FREDERICK  stands  trem- 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  51 

Uing  over  R.  and  after  JOHNSON  has  drunk 
speaks  very  meekly,  touching  his  hat  to  him — 
FREDERICK  is  only  noisy  to  negroes;  to  every- 
one else  very  humble  and  respectful;  of  JOHN- 
SON he  is  at  all  times  mortally  afraid.) 

FREDERICK,  (after  JOHNSON  drinks)  I  beg  par- 
don— did  you  speak,  sir? 

JOHNSON,  (gruff,  hoarse  tone)  Go  on!  (putting 
bottle  and  glass  down.  FREDERICK  stands  looking  at 
him.  Louder)  Go  on! 

FREDERICK,  (goes  quickly  up  to  lower  small  door, 
and  stands  on  stool  nearby  and  starts  hanging  branch 
of  fruit  over  door)  Yes,  sir! 

JOHNSON,  (coming  to  FREDERICK  at  door)  Don't 
stick  these  things  there !  Flowers  want  to  go  over 
doors.  Don't  you  know  anything!  You'll  be  hang- 
ing the  place  with  cabbages  next! 

FREDERICK. 
'e  used  to— — 

JOHNSON.  Shut  up!  (pause.  FREDERICK  stops 
at  once)  When  I  want  to  hear  how  Lounsberry  did 
it,  I'll  let  you  know,  (after  glare  at  FREDERICK  a 
moment  he  turns  and  calls  to  negroes.  FREDERICK 
gets  down  from  stool  and  starts  down  R.  to  hang  other 
piece  of  green  that  he  has  in  his  hand)  Come  here, 
some  of  you!  (several  negroes  enter  at  window, 
showing  some  timidity  in  the  presence  of  JOHNSON. 
To  negroes)  Take  this  truck  away!  (kicking  a 
pile  of  fruit  or  branches,  etc.,  that  are  laying  c. 
towards  them.  Negroes  grab  up  the  stuff  indicated, 
and  hurry  off  at  window  with  it.  JOHNSON  turns  to 
FREDERICK.  To  FREDERLCK)  Don't  put  those  things 
up  there!  (FREDERICK  is  standing  on  tea-chest 
below  opening  R.  1  E.  hanging  green  on  scene) 

FREDERICK.    Mr.  Lounsberry,  sir,  'e  used  to 

JOHNSON,  (near  FREDERICK)  Look  here?  If  you 
mention  his  name  again  I'll  kick  a  lung  out  of  you ! 


52  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(JOHNSON  goes  up  to  dresser,  takes  bottle  and  pours 
out  all  there  is  in  it,  which  is  only  half  a  glass — 
looks  at  it — then  turns  angrily  towards  FBED- 
EBICK, who  has  got  down  from  tea-chest,  and 
stands  trembling  B.) 

JOHNSON.    Who's  been  at  this  ? 

FEEDEEICK.     I  don't  know,  sir. 

JOHNSON.    This  was  full  last  night! 

FBEDEEICK.  Yes,  sir — but,  pardon  me,  sir — 
you've  been  to  it  yourself  this  morning  several 

JOHNSON.  That's  enough,  (glares  at  FBEDEBICK 
an  instant)  May  be  Lounsberry  taught  you  to  drink 

his (stops  with  an  idea  in  his  mind,  comes  down 

to  FBEDEEICK)  Look  here!  Who  was  it  that  was 
on  this  place  before  I  was?  (pause  a  second)  What 
was  his  name, — eh? 

FBEDEBICK.    I — I 

JOHNSON,  (looks  at  FBEDEBICK  an  instant)  Go 
on! 

FBEDEBICK.  Eeally,  sir,  I — I've  forgotten  'oo  it 
was! 

JOHNSON,  (half  to  himself,  turning  up)  Devil- 
ish close  shave!  (as  he  gets  up  and  sees  them)  Have 
you  cleaned  out  those  rooms  in  there?  (indicating 
rooms  up  B.) 

FBEDEBICK.  It  won't  take  me  a  moment  to  sweep 
'em  out,  sir! 

JOHNSON.  Well,  you  want  to  work !  Do  ye  know 
it!  The  steamer  gets  in  to-day. 

FBEDEBICK.  No  fear,  sir.  I'll  'ave  'em  ready! 
(JOHNSON  grunts.  A  knock  at  opening  down  B.  1 
E.)  Who's  there? 

(Enter  B.  1  E.  a  MESSENGEB  from  the  city.) 

NOTE:  Not  a  uniformed  messenger,  but  a  man 
from  telegraph  office.  He  should  be  a  white 
man,  neatly  dressed. 

MESSENGEB.     Good  morning,  sir. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  53 

JOHNSON.    Well?   (nearly  a  surly  grunt) 

MESSENGER.  Message  came  in  last  night,  sir — 
extra  paid  for  immediate  delivery. 

JOHNSON.    Where  from? 

MESSENGEB.    Havana,  sir. 

JOHNSON.    What  time  will  Havana  boat  get  in? 

MESSENGEB.     She's  in  now,  sir. 

JOHNSON.     In.   (starting  violently) 

MESSENGEB.     Yes,  sir — early  this  morning. 

JOHNSON,  (to  FBEDEBICK  harshly)  Clear  out 
those  rooms  in  there!  (calls  off  at  window  up  L.) 
Bring  that  mare  around  to  the  door,  (as  he  turns 
from  window)  Damn  it — I  was  going  to  meet  Fad- 
dish and  his  daughter  at  the  wharf!  (begins  to 
hurry  around)  Take  this  stuff  away,  (kicking  off 
some  decorative  stuff)  Get  this  room  finished,  do  ye 
hear!  (looking  around  room  at  decorations)  She 
ought  to  like  this !  They  don't  see  anything  like 
this  up  in  Canada,  (hurries  about  as  if  going) 

MESSENGEB.    But  the  message — shall  I 

JOHNSON,  (stopping.  Holding  out  hand)  Give 
it  here ! 

MESSENGEB.  (hesitating)  It's  addressed  to  Mr. 
Lounsberry,  and 

JOHNSON,  (burst  of  anger)  Well,  what  did  you 
bring  it  here  for?  Can't  you  fools  down  there  get 
it  through  your  skulls  that  Lounsberry's  sold  out 
and  gone !  I  own  this  place ! 

MESSENGEB.  But  there  was  a  special,  sir,  saying 
if  Mr.  Lounsberry  wasn't  there,  to  give  it  to  the  man 
in  charge. 

JOHNSON.  What  does  the  fool  mean?  Give  it 
here!  (takes  dispatch  and  tears  it  open)  I  sent  one 
back  last  week — they've  sent  up  the  same  one.  That's 
what  they've  done. 

MESSENGEB.  No,  sir — that  dispatch — was  from 
New  York. 


54  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON.  Oh — this  is  Havana —  (reads  rapidly 
— only  takes  a  glance  to  do  it — and  turns  with  rising 
anger  to  messenger)  Who  did  this? 

MESSENGER,  (alarmed  at  JOHNSON'S  savage  tone) 
Sir 

JOHNSON.  I'll  make  some  of  you  cursed  whelps 
down  there  jump  out  of  your  skins! 

MESSENGER.    But  I  don't  know  anything  about 

JOHNSON.    You  don't  know  what's  in  it? 

MESSENGER.     No — no,  sir! 

JOHNSON,  (fling  message  on  floor  in  violent  rage) 
Well,  somebody  does — and  I'll  find  out  who !  (goes 
toward  B.  1  E. — calls  off)  Here — don't  hitch  that 
mare !  (strides  off  at  B.  1  E.  talking  in  loud  voice 
as  he  goes)  I'll  give  'em  all  the  fun  they  want  be- 
fore I'm  through  with  'em. 

MESSENGEB.  'E's  in  a  terrible  state !  (FREDERICK 
rushes  over  quickly  after  JOHNSON'S  exit  and  picks 
up  the  dispatch  which  JOHNSON  cast  upon  the  floor) 
What's  upset  him  so? 

FREDERICK.  Why,  this  message  'ere  signed  "Gus 
Billings"  (reads)  "Dear  Billy:  If  there's  a  man 
named  Johnson  on  your  place,  put  him  in  a  well." 
(both  stand  looking  at  one  another  in  surprise) 

FREDEBICK.     I  don't  wonder  that  upset  'im. 

MESSENGEB.  It  wasn't  anyone  at  the  office,  (takes 
from  FBEDEBICK  and  looks  at  it)  You  see — that 
came  through  from  Havana,  (starting)  I'd  better 
get  back  to  the  office  and  tell  them. 

FBEDEBICK.  You  can  make  the  short  cut  through 
the  rice  swamp. 

MESSENGER.  May  be  I  can  get  there  before  he 
does,  (exit  hurriedly  at  E.  1  E.  with  dispatch) 

FREDERICK.  You'll  'ave  to  be  quick  about  it  if 
you  do!  (seeing  MESSENGEB  off  B.)  That'll  make 
him  simply  raving  for  a  week — though  may  be  she'll 
take  his  mind  off  it.  (hurriedly  picking  up  some  of 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  55 

green  stuff  on  floor  and  going  to  window)  Oh!  If 
he  came  back  an'  the  rooms  warn't  cleared  up  there 
wouldn't  be  enough  of  me  left  to  bury!  (calls  off 
window  up  L.  c.)  Come  in  here  some  of  you — come 
here!  (enter  the  four  negroes  at  window)  Here, 
clear  up  this  stuff.  Hurry  up  now  and  chuck  it  over 
the  fence.  These  rooms  in  here!  They've  got  to 
be  cleared  out !  Come,  'urry  now.  Two  of  ye  go  in 
there  (indicating  lower  room)  and  take  them  brooms 
and  sweep  out  under  them  there  beds — now  hurry 
up  now  and  get  in  there  and  get  to  work !  Don't  be 
all  day,  you  fools!  (etc.) 

(They  exit  into  rooms  up  R.  c.  followed  by  FRED- 
ERICK, who  exits  at  upper  door.  Sound  of 
FREDERICK  talking  and  scolding  until  doors  are 
closed.  Pause.  Knock  at  opening  on  s.  1  E. 
Pause.  BILLINGS  knocks  outside  window — 
pause — BILLINGS  appears  at  window  as  if  he 
had  come  around.  BILLINGS  is  dressed  in  white 
duck — straw  hat,  russet  shoes,  with  white  um- 
brella up.  He  closes  umbrella.  Klocks,  etc., 
in  sight  of  audience.  Then  comes  in  and  looks 
about  as  above.) 

BILLINGS.  Hullo,  Billy!  Anybody  at  home! 
(looks  about.  Starts  toward  door  L.  1  E.  Stops — 
seeing  bucket  of  drinking  water  above  table,  and  goes 
to  it,  bus.,  of  sitting  on  table  drinking  leisurely, 
stopping  once  or  twice  and  looking  about.  Goes,  down 
to  door  at  L.  and  raps  there  on  packing  case  with 
dipper)  Hullo !  I  say — Lounsberry !  (pause.  BIL- 
LINGS glances  about  and  soon  starts  toward  door  up 
R.  c.  with  the  idea  of  trying  there — leaving  dipper  in 
bucket  as  he  passes.  FREDERICK  rushes  on  from  upper 
room  and  goes  into  lower  room  and  comes  right  out 
again  and  rushes  back  into  upper  room.  BILLINGS 
stands  by  table  L.  watching  him  curiously.  After 


56  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

FREDERICK  has  gone  back  into  upper  room)  He'll 
come  out  again  in  a  minute!  There's  a  chap  trying 
to  play  "tag"  with  himself  down  here  in  the  tropics. 

FREDERICK.  Now  take  those  rugs  out  in  the  yard 
and  knock  the  dirt  out  of  'em.  Not  this  way.  Go 
back,  you  fools!  Go  out  the  windows!  (enters, 
turns  and  suddenly  stops  by  door  on  seeing  BIL- 
LINGS) Beg  pardon,  sir — I (BILLINGS  looks 

coolly  at  FREDERICK)  Did  you  want  to  see  Mr. 
Johnson,  sir? 

BILLINGS.  You've  got  a  man  named  Johnson 
here,  have  you? 

FREDERICK.    Yes,  sir.    Was  you  looking  for  him  ? 

BILLINGS,  (shaking  head  and  strolling  down  a 
little)  No — I  wasn't  looking  for  him.  (turning  to 
FREDERICK,  who  stands  eyeing  him  curiously)  Say ! 
is  the  proprietor  of  this — ranch — anywhere  around? 

FREDERICK.  The  proprietor,  sir?  Yes,  sir,  'e's 
just  gone  down  to  the  city,  (going  down  to  BILLINGS 
L.  c.)  I  was  wondering  whether  you  wanted  to  see 
him — er 

BILLINGS.    Yes,  I  do  want  to  see  him. 

FREDERICK.  The  fact  of  it  is,  sir,  'e  was  expectin' 
some  parties  by  the  'Avana  steamer,  sir 

BILLINGS.  Oh — all  right — then  he  got  my  dis- 
patch, (crosses  FREDERICK  to  R.  c.) 

FREDERICK.    You,  sir ! 

BILLINGS.  Yes — cabled  I'd  be  along.  First  I 
send  him  a  dispatch  from  New  York  then  I  cabled 
him  from  Havana 

FREDERICK.  Oh — yes,  of  course,  sir!  Very  sorry 
'e  missed  you,  sir,  but  'e'll  be  back  in  no  time — 
(going  up  to  door  up  R.  o.)  Your  rooms — they're 
right  in  'ere,  sir 

BILLINGS.    What's  in  there? 

FREDERICK.    Your  rooms,  sir! 

BILLINGS.    Well,  let  'em  stay  there  I 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  57 

FREDERICK,  (coming  down  to  BILLINGS)  They're 
not  quite  ready,  sir,  but  it  won't  take  a  moment  to 
sweep  'em  out,  sir !  Did  the — lady,  sir —  (glancing 
about)  did  she  come  up  with  you  or 

BILLINGS.  Oh,  the  ladies!  No — I  thought  Fd 
come  up  alone  first — left  'em  on  the  steamer — asleep 
— Eather  early,  you  know,  when  I — the  ladies  were 
very  tired,  you  know — thought  I'd  let  'em  sleep ! 
Told  the  steward  not  to  wake  'em  up —  (aside) 
Gave  the  steward  ten  dollars  not  to  wake  'em  up — 
(sudden  thought,  looks  at  FREDERICK,  pulls  out 
money)  Say — got  another  horse? 

FREDERICK.  Lord!  Yes,  sir!  As  many  as  you 
like! 

BILLINGS,  (gives  FREDERICK  a  bill)  Jump  on  the 
fastest  nag  in  the  lot — and  head  him  off.  Don't  let 
him  wake  up  the  ladies.  I've  got  to  see  him  first — 
or  there'll  be  trouble,  (half  aside)  Give  the  whole 
thing  away. 

FREDERICK.    Yes,  sir !    But  I  don't  know  as 

BILLINGS.  That's  all  right— I'll  fix  it  with  him! 
(urging  FREDERICK  toward  opening  L.  1  E.) 

FREDERICK.    Well,  sir,  if  you  say  it's  all  right 

BILLINGS.  Of  course  it  is — he'd  do  anything  for 
me. 

FREDERICK.  Then  I'll  try  it,  sir !  (rushes  off  at 
L.  1  E.) 

BILLINGS,  (calling  off  to  FREDERICK)  Do  you 
think  you  can  do  it? 

FREDERICK,     (outside)     Yes,  sir! 

BILLINGS.  Then  do  it!  (turns  and  lounges  on 
table)  I  hope  he  does  it !  By  Jove,  if  Billy  gets  there 
first,  I'd  have  to  begin  all  over  again.  Well,  I  sup- 
pose I  can  do  it.  I've  done  it  before,  (walking  about 
stage)  Pretty  nice  place  Billy's  got  here!  What  a 
lot  of  stuff  he's  got  growing  around  the  room !  He 
must  think  he's  in  a  conservatory  or  something. 


58  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

Oranges  and  lemons — oh,  no— they're  nailed  up, 
that's  what  it  is —  (sudden  thought)  By  Jove! 
He's  been  decorating  for  us.  (going  up)  Well,  bless 
his  heart!  he  was  always  a  good  fellow,  Billy  was — 
(up  stage  getting  cigar  out)  Mighty  nice  place  to 
stay  down  here !  Pretty  hot !  but  then  it's  hot  in 
New  York  sometimes,  (lights  cigar)  I  remember 
it  was  quite  warm  just  before  I  left.  Lucky  we 
had  that  week  in  Havana  to  rig  up  for  this  climate. 
I  came  away  without  a  solitary  thing !  Had  to  make 
the  ladies  think  another  man's  trunk  was  mine. 
Cost  me  ten  dollars  to  the  other  man  to  keep  him 
quiet,  (going  down  R.)  Well,  if  I'd  known  Billy 
was  fixed  up  like  this,  I'd  have  come  down  before. 
I'll  strike  him  about  next  winter — that's  the  time 
to  hit  these  tropical  places.  These  Northern  win- 
ters are  enough  to  drive  a  man  to  drink. 

(BILLINGS  lays  on  lounge  smoking.    Noise  outside 
of  carriage  wheels,  carriage  stopping,  and  trunk 
being  taken  off — pause,  and  negro  enters  R.  1  E. 
with  trunk,  singing  to  himself,  he  brings  it  on 
and  sets  it  up  stage  R.) 
BILLINGS.    By  Jove!     That's  one  of  ours! 
(MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  enter  R.  1  E. 
Negro  waits  respectfully  until  they  are  on  stage 
then  exits  R.  1  E.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  There  he  is!  (seeing  BIL- 
LINGS) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  So  he  is!  What  did  you  run 
away  and  leave  us  on  that  boat  for,  Augustus  ? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes — I  should  like  to  know 
what  it  means? 

BLLINGS.  (sitting  upright  on  lounge)  Oh — 
nothing  much.  I  thought  I'd  come  on  ahead  and — 
(motioning  toward  decorations  and  smoking  quietly) 
dress  things  up  a  little. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  59 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (going  to  her  mother.  Looking 
at  decorations)  Why,  mama,  do  see  what  he's  done ! 
(MRS.  BATTERSON  looks  about  critically — and  at 
BILLINGS) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Now  you  see — your  suspicions 
were  perfectly  groundless! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  He  did  all  that  this  morning, 
did  he? 

Mna  BILLINGS.  Yes,  he  couldn't  have  got  here 
oefore!  (bus.,  embracing  BILLINGS)  How  good  of 
you,  Augustus!  (kisses  him) 

BILLINGS,  (c.)  That's  all  right.  Now  you — 
just  sit  around — and  enjoy  yourselves  a  few  minutes 
— rest — and  drink  water — and  all  that.  Now  there's 
no  ceremony  around  here — make  yourselves  per- 
fectly comfortable;  do  just  as  you  like — if  there's 
anything  you  see  you  don't  want,  why  take  it !  or 
anything  else  you  like — I  shan't  be  gone  a  minute ! 
(going  toward  door  R.  1  E.)  I  got  to  catch  Billy 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Where  are  you  going? 

BILLINGS.  Speak  to  one  of  the  boys — rooms  are 
right  here —  (indicating  rooms  up  R.  c.)  Back  in 
a  jiff. 

(Exit  BILLINGS,  R.  1  E.    A  noise  outside  of  heavy 
trunk  banged  down  on  porch.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    What  was  that,  mama? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (looking  R.  1  E.)  The  men 
getting  down  our  other  trunk.  Here !  Bring  them 
in!  We  don't  want  them  left  out  there!  (negroes 
enter  R.  1  E. — 1st  negro  carrying  trunk  on  his  shoul- 
der— negro  who  brought  on  first  trunk  walks  last, 
singing  to  himself;  as  they  pass  ladies  they  take 
satchels,  etc.,  from  them  which  they  have  brought 
on — ihey  all  go  towards  room  R.  c.  MRS.  BATTERSON 
shows  first  negro  where  to  put  trunk,  etc.)  They 


60  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

are  to  go  in  here,  (holding  door  of  room  up  B.  0. 
open)  Don't  knock  against  the  wall,  (negro  with 
trunk  carries  it  into  room;  other  negroes  follow  him 
in,  singing  and  laughing)  Mercy !  Look  at  them 
all  clambering  out  of  the  window ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  at  door,  MRS. 
BILLINGS  L.  c.)  Isn't  it  pretty  here,  mama!  I'm 
so  glad  we  came!  (crossing  over  R.  MRS.  BATTEB- 
SON  looks  about  for  the  first  time.  Soon  sees  the  col- 
lection of  tobacco  pipes  on  the  wall,  between  window 
and  opening  L.  1  E.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Mercy  on  us! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Why,  what!  (looks  about) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Pipes!  Tobacco  pipes!  Did 
you  ever! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes — but  what  harm  is  there? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (interrupting)  Harm!  I 
won't  have  such  things  about  the  house!  Not  while 
I'm  here !  (seizes  two  or  three  clays  which  are  in 
the  pipe-rack  and  breaks  them,  throwing  them  on 
floor — then  takes  pipe-rack  off  wall  preparatory  to 
throwing  it  down) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  I'm  afraid  he'll  be  very  angry, 
mama ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (pauses  in  act  of  throwing  down 
pipe-rack)  Who — that  overseer!  (MRS.  BATTERSON 
throws  pipe-rack  on  floor  above  table  L.  Enter  BIL- 
LINGS at  R.  1  E.,  cigar  in  hand) 

BILLINGS.    What  broke? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (turning  to  BILLINGS)  To- 
bacco pipes  broke !  Your  man  had  the  wall  perfectly 
covered  with  them.  You  know  my  feelings  about 
such  things.  Cigars  are  bad  enough! 

BILLINGS,  (aside)  This'll  give  Billy  a  couple  of 
fits.  (BILLINGS  goes  near  to  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (going  toward  door  of  room  up 
B.  nearest  c.)  Now  I'll  look  at  our  rooms. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  61 

BILLINGS,  (to  JENNIE,  down  R.  c.)  Say — don't 
let  her  go  on  like  this — s — she'll  wreck  the  whole 
place.  (Mas.  BATTEESON  opens  door  of  room  R.  o. 
and  goes  in) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (to  BILLINGS)  Yes,  but  what 
can  we  do? 

BILLINGS.  I  do'  know — Ask  her  where  she  thinks 
she  is.  (BILLINGS  goes  L.  and  up  to  dresser,  puts  his 
hat  down  there) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes,  but  what  good  will  that  do  ? 

BILLINGS.  Well,  just  ask  her,  for  a  flyer,  (goes 
up  c.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (coming  out  of  room  up  B.  c.) 
Why,  I  never  saw  such  a  place  in  all  my  life !  Noth- 
ing on  the  floor — no  chairs — no  towels — beds  as  hard 
as  rocks !  (MRS.  BATTERSON  glares  at  BILLINGS,  up 
c,  as  if  for  some  explanation) 

BILLINGS,  (quietly)  That's  the  way  it  is  down 
in  Cuba,  (going  down  and  sitting  on  table) 

MRS.  BATTEESON.  Well,  I  don't  care  how  it  is  in 
Cuba,  (going  over  to  lounge  and  seizing  rote  off 
same  and  skin  off  wall  nearby)  We're  going  to  have 
a  place  to  sleep,  (goes  over  to  BILLINGS  at  table  L., 
and  shakes  skin  in  his  face)  Come  and  help  me, 
dear !  (giving  role  and  skin  to  MBS.  BILLINGS,  who 
is  R.  of  her.  She  turns  then  from  MBS.  BILLINGS 
and  goes  up  and  grabs  rocking  chair  from  window 
and  skin  on  wall  nearby — and  drags  them  over  to 
door  up  B.  c.)  We'll  try  to  make  the  place  habitable 
at  least.  (Mss.  BILLINGS  has  taken  robe  into  room 
R.  c.  and  stands  by  door  up  E.  c.)  Just  look  in 
there !  (MRS.  BILLINGS  looks  into  rooms) 

BILLINGS,  (takes  a  puff  or  two  at  cigar,  watching 
bus.)  Say, — hold  on  a  minute. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Mercy! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Did  you  ever  see  anything  like 
it!  (MRS.  BATTERSON  comes  down  and  pulls  table 


62  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

cover  off  table  and  from  under  BILLINGS,  who  is 
seated  there — on  word  "man")  But  what  could 
you  expect  when  there's  nobody  but  a  man  to  look 
after  things?  (goes  up  again)  This  will  go  on  over 
the  mattress.  We'd  both  better  stay  in  here,  (indi- 
cating room  up  R.  c.)  Come  and  help  me  fix  up  the 
bed.  (Mas.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  exit 
together — dragging  things,  etc.,  in  room  up  R.  c.) 
BILLINGS,  (seated  at  table — as  ladies  exit)  Say! 
Hadn't  you  better  leave  us  a  rug  or  something? 
Say!  You  forgot  to  take  the  floor.  When  Billy 
gets  back  he  won't  recognize  the  place!  (going  to- 
ward room  ladies  have  gone  into)  Say,  look  here 

(BILLINGS  shuts   door  of   ladies'   room   when 

FREDERICK  enters) 

(Enter  FREDERICK  hurriedly  from  R.  1  E. — out  of 
breath  from  riding;  he  runs  across  to  extreme 
L.,  then  turns  and  comes  up  to  BILLINGS  c.) 

FREDERICK.  It's  alright,  sir ;  I  caught  up  on  him, 
sir — he  didn't  get  there !  I  came  on  him  just  down 
the  road  a  bit.  Most  unfortunate  thing — his  saddle- 
strap  broke — and  pitched  'im  clean  off  'is  'orse. 

BILLINGS.     Don't  say ! 

FREDERICK.  Yes,  sir,  and  he  told  me  to  tell  you 
he  was  coming  right  along. 

BILLINGS,  (glances  at  door  ladies  went  through) 
All  right — guess  I'll  go  out  and  meet  him — old 
friend,  you  know. 

FREDERICK.    Very  well,  sir. 

BILLINGS.  Ladies  in  there.  Look  out  for  'em, 
will  you?  Make  it  all  right  with  you.  (BILLINGS 
starts  down  towards  door  R.  1  E.  Puts  cigar  in 
mouth) 

FREDERICK.  Yes,  sir;  certainly,  sir.  (FREDERICK 
following  BILLINGS  down)  When  Mr.  Johnson  'card 
you'd  got  here,  sir,  he  was  quite  put  out. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  g<J 

BILLINGS.  (BILLINGS,  who  had  started  to  go  B.  1 
E.,  stops  and  turns  to  FREDERICK,  on  his  mentioning 
the  name  of  JOHNSON — coolly  takes  cigar  out  of 
mouth  and  looks  at  FREDERICK)  Who?  (pause. 
FREDERICK  and  BILLINGS  stare  at  one  another  a 
moment) 

FREDERICK.  Mr.  Johnson,  sir.  (They  again  re- 
gard each  other  with  interest) 

BILLINGS,  (coming  to  FREDERICK)  See  here! 
You  have  been  telling  Johnson  about  this? 

FREDERICK.    Yes  sir — wasn't  that (break) 

BILLINGS,  (leaving  FREDERICK  again)  What  you 
want  to  tell  him  for?  I  don't  see.  (puts  cigar  in 
mouth) 

FREDERICK.  Was  you — was  you  going  to  surprise 
him,  sir? 

BILLINGS,  (turns  again  and  looks  at  FREDERICK) 
Surprise  who? 

FREDERICK.    Mr.  Johnson,  sir. 

BILLINGS,  (removes  cigar)  Say — who  is  Johnson, 
anyway  ? 

FREDERICK.    He — he's  the  owner,  sir. 

BILLINGS,  (looks  at  FREDERICK  a  moment)  Owner 
of  what? 

FREDERICK.  The  'ole  place,  sir.  I'm  his  man. 
(slight  pause.  BILLINGS  calmly  regarding  FRED- 
ERICK) 

BILLINGS.    Where  am  I? 

FREDERICK.    You're  'ere,  sir! 

BILLINGS.    Where's  Billy  Lounsberry? 

FREDERICK,  (going  to  BILLINGS)  Mr.  Lounsberry, 
sir?  Oh,  he  was  'ere  but  he  sold  out  to  Mr.  Johnson 
and  went  back  to  ^'Orleans.  (BILLINGS  looks  stead- 
ily at  FREDERICK  a  moment.  Then  tosses  cigar 
away,  may  take  a  final  puff  at  it  first,  and  goes  up 
to  door  up  B.  He  knocks  at  door  with  vigor.  FEED- 


84  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

EEICK  goes  over  quickly  over  LV  regarding  BILLINGS 
with  wonder) 

BILLINGS,  (speaking  against  the  door)  Come  out, 
quick!  (goes  quickly  down  to  FREDERICK,  getting 
money  out.  To  FREDERICK — giving  money)  Go  and 
hitch  up  a  team.  We've  got  to  strike  a  doctor. 

FREDERICK.     Doctor,  sir!     Is  anyhody 

BILLINGS.  Anybody !  Didn't  you  hear  her  scream 
just  now? 

FREDERICK.    No,  sir! 

BILLINGS.  If  I  don't  get  her  there  in  twenty 
minutes  she'll  have  another  spasm.  And  then  an- 
other and  another,  (hurries  FREDERICK  up  and  off 
at  window) 

FREDERICK,  (as  he  goes  off  at  window)  Yes,  sir! 
As  soon  as  ever  I  can. 

BILLINGS,  (as  FREDERICK  goes  off)  That's  right ! 
Hurry  now !  Don't  stop  for  anything. 

(Enter  MBS.  BILLINGS  from  room  up  R.  c.  followed 
by  MRS.  BATTERSON.) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.    What  is  the  matter? 

BILLINGS,  (standing  holding  on  to  chair  B.  of 
table  L.,  swaying  to  and  fro  and  feigning  symptoms 
of  yellow  fever.  Speaking  in  hollow,  rattling  voice) 
Get  your  things — get  your  things !  Get  your  things ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Mercy —  What  is  it? 

BILLINGS.  Don't — ask!  (with  furtive  gesture  as 
if  hand  fell)  Have  to  go  quick ! ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON  AND  MRS.  BILLINGS.  Go !  What 
do  you  mean?  Why!  What  is  it?  (each  speaks 
only  a  part  of  speech.  Pause.  BILLINGS  sways.) 
You  are  ill,  Augustus!  What  is  it? 

BILLINGS.    Fever ! 

LADIES.  (BILLINGS  stands  stiffly,  rigidly.  Sways 
a  little)  Ah! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  65 

BILLINGS.  Swamp !  Full  of  deadly  microbes. 
Had  a  touch  last  time.  Feel  it  coming  now.  Second 
time  fatal !  (stands  as  if  dizzy — sways — holds  on  to 
chair) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     Fever! 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (standing  a  little  away  from  BIL- 
LINGS in  sudden  alarm)  Oh,  Augustus,  you  don't 
mean — yellow 

BILLINGS.     No,  some  other  color — just  as  bad 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     Why,  he  looks  perfectly  well! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Yes — you  do,  Augustus ! 

BILLINGS.  That's  the  way  it  is — look  well,  but 
turn  black  afterwards. 

(Goes  with  difficulty  down  and  sits  first  on  chair 
R.  of  table,  then  on  table,  then  on  chair  L.  of 
table — moving  from  each  as  if  in  great  pain — 
and  finally  sits  on  table) 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (going  quiclcly  to  BILLINGS — 
turns  anxiously  to  MRS.  BATTERSON,  who  is  B.  c.) 
Oh,  mama  !  He  is  ill ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  It's  all  imagination,  (going 
up  c.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh,  I  hope  so !  Don't  you  think 
it's  imagination,  Augustus? 

BILLINGS,  (dreamily)  Yes  —  imagination 

(murmurs)  Let  me  throw  it  off —  (BILLINGS  leaves 
table  and  goes  feebly  over  with  MRS.  BILLINGS — they 
walk  up  and  down  c.  BILLINGS  finally  collapses  c. 
MRS.  BILLINGS  catches  him  on  R.  MRS.  BATTERSON 
rushes  down  in  time  to  support  him)  Throw  it  off! 
(collapses  c.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh!  (cry  of  alarm)  He  is  ill! 
(bus.)  He  is,  mama! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Here.  Help  him  to  that  lounge. 
(they  help  BILLINGS  to  lounge,  his  legs  going  every 
which  way) 


66  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS,  (murmuring  as  he  stands  before  lounge) 
Legs — nossing  but  legs — gave  out — cut  'em  off — be 
all  right  in  the  morning.  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Throw  it 
off.  (with  spasmodic  wave  of  arms — collapses  on  to 
lounge.  Hysterical  and  gaspy  laughter) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh!  Can  we  do  anything  for 
you? 

BILLINGS.  Wa'er — wasser (violent  motions 

toward  water  bucket) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.    Mama!    Water!     Quick! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes!  yes!  (hurriedly  gets 
dipper  of  water  from  bucket  by  table  L.  BILLINGS 
seizes  it — gurgles  and  blows  it  all  about  in  tremulous 
avidity) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  We  must  get  him  away — oh  we 
must! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Why  didn't  he  tell  us  about 
that  swamp  before?  Come — help  me — I've  got  all 
the  things  out  of  the  trunks!  (MRS.  BATTERSON 
hurries  into  room  up  R.  c.,  taking  dipper  with  her) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (hurrying)  Yes.  Do  you  want 
anything,  Augustus? 

BILLINGS.  Take  me  away !  Take  me  away !  Let 
me  die  in  Yonkers!  Yonkers!  (BILLINGS  doesn't 
lie  on  lounge,  but  sits  in  a  weakly  sort  of  way. 
Rattles  in  throat)  Yonkers!  Yonkers! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes,  darling!  You  shall  die  in 
Yonkers!!  Yes,  lie  still!  Oh,  dear! 

(Exit  into  room  up  R.  c.) 

(Sound  of  JOHNSON'S  heavy  step  outside  L.  BIL- 
LINGS gets  quickly  up  on  noise  outside  and  darts 
to  door  of  room  up  R.  where  MRS.  BILLINGS  went 
off.  JOHNSON  stalks  in  door  down  L.  just  as 
BILLINGS  goes  to  door  up  R.  BILLINGS  turns 
quickly — both  stand  regarding  each  other) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  67 

BILLINGS  (turning  and  speaking  lack  through 
door  in  rapid  stride  to  ladies)  Don't  come  out! 
There's  a  doctor  here! 

(BILLINGS  quickly  turn  to  JOHNSON,  with  careless 
and  jovial  expression.  JOHNSON  stands  by 
table  L.,  extending  his  hand  to  BILLINGS) 

JOHNSON.     Say !     My  name  is  Johnson ! 

BILLINGS.  How  are  you?  (BILLLINGS  comes  down 
and  shakes  hands  with  JOHNSON)  Heard  of  you 
before,  (glances  around  behind) 

JOHNSON.  Heard  of  me!  (loolcs  at  BILLINGS  an 
instant)  1  should  say  so ! 

BILLINGS,  (turning  again  to  JOHNSON)  Fact  is, 
Mr.  Johnson,  there  is  a  little  mis 

JOHNSON,  (interrupting)  Heard  of ( BIL- 
LINGS breaks  off  and  stands  observing  him.  JOHN- 
SON bursts  into  boisterous  laugh)  Haw!  Haw! 
Haw !  You're  one  of  those  funny  men ! 

BILLINGS.  Yes,  of  course.  Glad  you  look  at  it 
that  way. 

JOHNSON.  Cursed  luck — missed  getting  down  to 
meet  you — when  I've  been  counting  on  that  stearaer 
for  six  months. 

BILLINGS.  Six  months,  eh?  Well,  you  got  about, 
nineteen  weeks  ahead  of  me ! 

JOHNSON.  What  do  you  mean?  (slight  pause. 
BILLINGS  and  JOHNSON  looking  at  one  another) 
Damnation,  Faddish,  wasn't  it  all  fixed  up  last  Jan- 
uary that  you'd  bring  her  down  the  first  of  June? 

BILLINGS.  Of  course,  old  boy.  (aside)  Great 
Scott ! !  this  is  Faddish's  Johnson. 

JOHNSON.  Yes,  sir-ee.  I've  been  counting  on  that 
steamer  for  six  months.  In  there,  ain't  she? 
(urging  BILLINGS  toward  door  up  E.  c.) 

BILLINGS.     Say — look  here 


(8  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON.  Haw!  haw!  haw!  (trying  to  get  to- 
ward doors  up  R.)  Come!  Lemme  see  her. 

BILLINGS.  Hold  on  a  minute.  (BILLINGS  prevents 
him  from  passing,  and  they  both  get  over  above  table 
L.  near  pipe-rack  on  door)  See  here,  old  man,  there's 

a  little  mistake  about  this.  My  name  isn't 

(JOHNSON  suddenly  notices  the  wreckage  of  his  pipes 
on  the  floor) 

JOHNSON,  (yell  of  rage) 

BILLINGS.    — my  name  isn't 

JOHNSON,  (points  at  debris.  Gasping  with  rage.) 
Who  did  that?  Who  did  it? 

BILLINGS.  Sorry  and  all  that — but  when  she  sees 
pipes  they  simply  give  her  fits — and 

JOHNSON.  She!  Fits!  I (thinks — begins 

to  soften  down)  Oh — e — she 

BILLINGS,  (nods)  That's  the  idea.  Judas 
Iscariot!  I  can't  tell  him  now — he'd  wipe  up  the 
floor  with  me.  (BILLINGS  moves  up  near  door  up 
B.,  as  if  to  keep  ladies  from  hearing) 

JOHNSON.  TJgh!  (controls  himself — pulls  at  his 
collar)  If  she  did  it— let  it  go ! 

BILLINGS.     Yes — nothing  else  to  do,  is  there? 

JOHNSON.  TJgh !  (starting  toward  door  up  B.  c.) 
Now  I'll  see  her,  if  you  please ! 

BILLINGS,  (bringing  JOHNSON  down  L.  again) 
Say — hold  on — fact  is  the  ladies  are  dressing — and — 

JOHNSON.  Ladies!  How  many  have  you  got  in 
there? 

BILLINGS.    Only  got  two. 

JOHNSON.     Two!    Who's  the  other  one? 

BILLINGS.     My  wife,  of  course — and 

JOHNSON,  (loud  bellow)  Wife!  What  the . 

(BILLINGS  regards  JOHNSON  watchfully)  Your 
brother  told  me  you  was  a  widower!  I  was  guaran- 
teed— by  Cain — that  her  mother  was  dead  and 
buried. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  69 

BILLINGS.    Who  guaranteed  that? 

JOHNSON.    Your  brother. 

BILLINGS.    Well,  you'd  better  see  him  about  that ! 

JOHNSON.  Well,  (crossing  over  B.)  I  won't  have 
that  girl's  mother  about  the  place.  What  you've  got 
to  do  is  to  git  'er  away  from  here. 

BILLINGS,  (entering  right  into  it  with  sympathy) 
Of  course !  I'd  feel  just  that  way  myself.  Your 
man  out  there's  hitching  up  a  rig  just  for  that  pur- 
pose. You  keep  quiet,  now,  old  man.  I'm  right 
with  you  in  all  this!  (enter  MES.  BATTEESON  door 
up  R.  BILLINGS  sees  her  out  of  corner  of  his  eye. 
Quickly  getting  JOHNSON  over  to  down  L.)  Yes,  of 
course —  (taking  JOHNSON  toward  left)  I  know  my 
pulse  is  bad,  but  that's  the  way  it  was  before. 
(JOHNSON  stops  at  left,  and  stands  looking  at  MRS. 
BATTERSON,  BILLINGS  unable  to  move  him  further) 

JOHNSON,  (seeing  MRS.  BATTERSON)  There's 
your  wife.  Where's  the  girl?  (Mus.  BILLINGS 
enters  from  same  room.  Seeing  her)  There  she  is ! 
There  she  is!  (gradual  change  in  JOHNSON'S  face. 
His  dull,  ugly  look  gives  place  to  a  pleased  expres- 
sion, going  into  a  rigid  grin)  I'll  just (start- 
ing as  if  to  cross  to  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

BILLINGS,  (stopping  him  almost  before  he  starts) 
No — no — wouldn't  do  at  all — she's  so  timid. 

(NOTE. — Ladies  have  stopped  an  instant,  standing 
looking  at  BILLINGS  and  JOHNSON) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (coming  down  to  BILLINGS  L.  c.) 
Oh,  you're  better,  Augustus,  aren't  you?  (JOHNSON 
watches  MRS.  BILLINGS  with  broad  grin,  and  spark- 
ling eyes) 

BILLINGS,  (quickly  taking  MRS.  BILLIXGS  up  stage 
again)  Over  the  first  one  all  right — may  get  off 
before  the  next. 


70  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON.  She's  fine — ha,  ha !  She's  A.  1  (going 
up,  BILLINGS  leaves  MRS.  BILLINGS,  meets  him, 
brings  him  down  again) 

BILLINGS.  Glad  you  like  her  old  man — but  don't 
let  her  see  it  at  the  start. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (coming  down  to  BILLINGS) 
Yes!  but  what  did  the  doctor  say? 

BILLINGS,  (talcing  her  up  again)    He  didn't  say! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (coming  to  BILLINGS)  But  I'd 
like  to  know  why  we 

BILLINGS,  (urging  her  up  to  room  R.  c.  and  po- 
litely handing  her  into  room)  Tell  you  some  other 
time.  Have  the  carriage  here  in  one  minute — wait 
in  there !  Doctor  wants  to  be  alone.  He  wants  to 
think — you  know  doctors  think  in  Cuba! 

(While  BILLINGS  is  seeing  MRS.  BATTERSON  off, 
JOHNSON  gradually  sidles  up  stage  toward  MRS. 
BILLINGS.  She  backs  away  from  him,  and 
BILLINGS  passes  her  into  room,  and  turning 
meets  JOHNSON  and  brings  him  down  L.) 

BILLINGS,  (to  JOHNSON)  See  here  now!  Don't 
go  on  like  this — you're  beginning  all  wrong.  If  you 
go  on  this  way  you'll  break  up  the  whole  thing.  I'm 
going  out  to  get  that  team,  and  I'll  be  back  in  one 
minute  and  then  I'll  tell  you  just  what  to  do — if 
you  do  the  wrong  thing  we're  lost  and  the  whole 
thing  goes  up.  You've  been  thrown  off  a  horse, 
haven't  you? 

JOHNSON.    Yes. 

BILLINGS.  Well,  then,  sit  down,  (urging  him  to 
chair  L.  of  table  R.)  You  can  sit  down,  can't  you? 
(JOHNSON  sits)  That's  right,  sit  down.  Sit  there, 
now — keep  quiet — I'll  be  back  in  one  minute — if  you 
speak  to  her  now  she'll  faint  dead  away.  Do  you 
blow  what  to  do  when  a  lady  faints?  Well,  don't 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  71 

do  it — now  keep  quiet,  (goes  up  to  window)     This 
is  getting  to  be  a  corker,    (exits  at  window) 

JOHNSON,  (seated)  What's  the  matter  with  him? 
Why  don't  he  want  me  to  speak  to  her  ?  Timid,  eh  ? 
Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Well,  no  wonder.  She's  a  beauty! 
I  didn't  think  she'd  look  like  that. 

(MRS.  BILLINGS  comes  on  from  room  up  K.  c.  with 
satchel  which  she  places  down  near  head  of 
lounge,  then  goes  back  to  room  again  and  speaks 
off  to  her  mother.  JOHNSON  regards  her  from 
table  with  longing  eyes — she  sees  him  looking 
at  her.) 

JOHNSON.    What  is  she  doing? 

'(Seeing  MRS.  BILLINGS  bringing  on  satchel,  etc. 
When  MRS.  BILLINGS  speaks  off  to  her  mother 
JOHNSON  rises,  goes  up  above  table  and  begins 
arranging  tie,  hair,  etc.,  at  glass  on  wall  near 
bookshelf,  grinning  all  over  his  face  with  satis- 
faction at  the  prospect.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (speaking  off)  Are  you  nearly 
ready,  mama?  He'll  be  here  in  a  moment.  (JOHN- 
SON goes  quickly  up  to  glass) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (appearing  at  door  up  R.)  I 
think  it's  a  shame  to  hurry  us  away  like  this! 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (a  glance  at  JOHNSON)  Oh — I 
don't  care — it's  too  hot  here  for  me.  (going  R.  a 
little — crosses  to  R.  of  her  mother) 

JOHNSON,  (going  toward  MRS.  BILLINGS)  No, 
no !  Not  you !  (MRS.  BILLINGS  steps  back  surprised, 
not  a  start,  but  quiet,  retiring  while  looking  at 
JOHNSON.  MRS.  BATTERSON  looks  at  him  from  door- 
way up  R.  An  instant's  pause)  You're  going  to  stay 
right  here,  (nears  dresser  c.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (steps  forward  between  MRS. 
BILLINGS  and  JOHNSON.  After  slight  pause  for 


72  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

tableau.  They  are  all  well  up  stage)  Do  you  sup- 
•pose,  sir,  that  I  would  go  away  and  leave  my  daugh- 
ter in  this  place?  (moment's  surprise  on  JOHNSON'S 
part) 

JOHNSON.  0,  well  then,  you  needn't  go !  We  can 
get  along! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  don't  understand  you,  sir. 
(dignified) 

JOHNSON.  I  won't  lay  it  up  against  you!  The 
pipes  are  broken  and  gone,  (turning  to  pipe-rack  on 
floor  and  picking  up  some  of  the  pipes) 

MBS.  BATTERSON.  (after  a  moment's  pause,  to  MRS. 
BILLINGS)  What  is  the  man  talking  about? 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  I'm  sure 
I  don't  know. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (crossing  MRS.  BILLINGS  to  R. 
IE.)  Come!  We'll  wait  on  the  piazza — it's  very 
close  here.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS 
start  toward  B.  1  E.) 

JOHNSON,  (going  toward  them  a  little)  Hold 
on  now!  You  ain't  taking  her  off!  Understand 
that!  (LADIES  draw  up  in  indigation  before  him) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  What  do  you  mean,  sir?  You 
are  ridiculous!  You — we — we  don't  know  you,  sir. 

JOHNSON.     Don't  know  me. 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS.  No! 
(LADIES  turn  away  haughtily) 

JOHNSON.  Ugh!  I  see — you  don't  know.  Ha, 
ha,  ha.  (deep  chuckle)  Ha,  ha.  I'm — e — (slight 
hesitation) 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.  (to  JOHNSON  severely)  That 
is  quite  sufficient,  sir.  (turning  away — they  are  both 
going) 

JOHNSON.    No —  wait  now — my  name's  Johnson. 

MRS.   BILLINGS,     (under  breath)     W — h — what! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (looks  at  him  an  instant)  Oh! 
So  you  are  Mr.  Johnson? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  73 

JOHNSON.  Yes,  ma'am— ha,  ha!  I'm  the  one! 
(chuckles  as  he  looks  at  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (cold  severity)  I  have  heard 
about  you,  Mr.  Johnson. 

JOHNSON.  Heard  about  me!  Well  I  should  say 
so!  Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha!  (approaches  MRS.  BILLINGS) 
Ha,  ha !  (holds  out  hand)  How  dy  do !  (Mss. 
BILLINGS  frightened  after  a  cold  look  at  JOHNSON, 
backs  up  stage  R.  c.  JOHNSON  follows  her  up)  Why, 
you're  not  frightened  of  me  are  you?  (MRS.  BATTER- 
SON  has  looked  at  this  bus.  too  astonished  to  speak) 
Ha,  ha!  (comes  down  towards  MRS.  BATTERSON) 
She's  too  durned  shy.  Ha,  ha !  But  she'll  get  over 
it.  You've  raised  Cain  around  here — (pointing  to 
pipe-rack)  but  we'll  let  it  all  go — on  her  account. 
(holds  out  hand  to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Welcome  to 
the  Columbia! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (recovering  speech)  No,  sir! 
That  is  going  a  little  too  far — for  one  in  your  posi- 
tion. 

JOHNSON,    (standing  aghast)     Eh! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  And  let  me  add,  sir,  for  one  of 
your  character !  ( JOHNSON  stands  motionless  an 
instant  overwhelmed  with  astonishment) 

JOHNSON.  Say — I'd  like  to  know — (stop  an  in- 
stant choking  with  rage) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  It  is  only  for  the  sake  of  some 
one  else,  sir,  that  I  do  not  publicly  expose  you. 

JOHNSON,  (choking  and  gagging  with  rising 
anger)  Expose  me!  Exp — I — look  here.  You  be 
a  little  careful  or  I'll — (MRS.  BILLINGS  who  has  been 
up  stage  a  little  comes  down  between  them — MRS. 
BATTERSON  goes  up)  Or  I'll — No — I — (bus.  of 
calming  down  as  he  faces  MRS.  BILLINGS.  Goes  to- 
ward MRS.  BILLINGS  a  step  or  two,  grinning  at  her. 
To  MRS.  BILLINGS)  I  won't  mind  her — eh?  If 


74  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

you  say  so,  eh  ?  Ha,  ha !  (he  grins  and  chucks  her 
under  the  chin.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Mama!  (drawing  away  instinc- 
tively keeping  her  eyes  on  him)  Mama! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (coming  between  them  and 
advancing  on  JOHNSON  fiercely)  Stop  it,  sir !  What 
do  you  mean  by  it?  (JOHNSON,  down  L.  is  stopped 
by  sudden  vehemence  of  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  stands 
surprised.  Both  ladies  stand  an  instant  looking  in- 
dignantly at  him) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (turning  to  MRS.  BILLINGS  as 
if  to  ignore  JOHNSON  altogether)  Is  your  trunk 
ready? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes,  mama — all  but  shutting  it. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Well  go  and  shut  it.  (MRS. 
BILLINGS  starts — goes  up) 

JOHNSON.     See  here  now,  you  ain't 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Silence,  sir!  (MRS.  BILLINGS 
takes  corner  to  L.,  stops  and  looks  around  on  this 
passage,  but  starts  again  toward  door — sees  little 
sacks  of  coffee  on  dresser  up  c.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (stopping  and  looking  at  sacks) 
Oh — what's  this!  See  mama!  (holds  up  two  of  the 
little  bags)  A  whole  lot  of  little  bags! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (turning  to  MRS.  BILLINGS 
from  R,  c.,  JOHNSON  is  L.  c.)  Yes,  quite  pretty. 

MRS.  BILLIXGS.  (down  L.  c.)  What  do  you  sup- 
pose they  are?  (bringing  them  down  to  MRS. 
BATTERSON) 

JOHNSON,  (stepping  forward)  That's  coffee, 
ma'am — very  choice — (the  ladies  listen  without  turn- 
ing to  JOHNSON,  a  little  mollified  by  his  manner  of 
speaking)  Out  of  a  five  hundred  acre  crop,  we  get 
only  a  dozen  little  sacks  like  that !  (MRS.  BILLINGS 
smells  of  it) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  75 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Oh !  (rapturously)  Isn't  it  per- 
fectly delicious!  Just  smell  of  it,  mama!  (MRS. 
BATTEESON  takes  it — about  to  smell) 

JOHNSON,  (roughly  good-natured,  softejied  by  ap- 
preciation ladies  show  of  his  coffee)  Yes,  go  on 
and  smell !  You  never  struck  a  brand — (Mas. 
BATTEESON  pauses  in  act  of  raising  sack  to  her  nose 
and  gives  JOHNSON  a  look — He  stops,  she  then  smells 
of  the  coffee  leisurely) 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.     Quite  remarkable! 

JOHNSON.  Every  berry  selected,  ma'am.  Money 
couldn't  buy  coffee  like  that! 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (paying  no  attention  to  JOHN- 
SON) We  will  take  some  of  this  home  with  us. 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Oh  yes.  (going  up)  (they  go  up 
hurriedly  begin  to  gather  up  the  bags.  JOHNSON 
stands  dumbfounded.  MBS.  BILLINGS  starts  toward 
door  up  B.  with  sacks  of  coffee).  (MBS.  BILLINGS 
takes  coffee  into  room  B.  c.) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  We  can  take  them  all,  I  think 
— there's  room  in  the  tray  of  my  bonnet-box. 

JOHNSON,  (stepping  forward)  See  here!  That 
coffee 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (turning  and  facing  JOHNSON, 
speaks  with  severity,  with  two  of  the  bags  in  her 
hand)  That  will  do,  sir.  (JOHNSON  stops)  When 
we  want  further  information  about  this  coffee,  we 
will  let  you  know.  (JOHNSON  takes  stage  L.  MBS. 
BILLINGS  has  stopped  in  doorway  when  JOHNSON 
spoke  and  looked  around.  Now  goes  off  at  door  up 
B.  c.,  leaves  coffee  sacks  and  immediately  returns  to 
MBS.  BATTEBSON  who  is  still  facing  JOHNSON) 

(JOHNSON  takes  stage  L.  MRS.  BILLINGS  takes 
sacks  from  MBS.  BATTEBSON  who  keeps  her  stern 
gaze  on  JOHNSON) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (to  MBS.  BILLINGS  while  still 
looking  at  JOHNSON)  Put  these  in  my  bonnet  box. 


76  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(looking  at  JOHNSON.    MRS.  BATTEESON  now  lets  up 
on  JOHNSON) 

JOHNSON,  (recovering  himself  and  breaking  out 
savagely)  (going  to  her)  Say  that  coffee  belongs 
here. 

MBS.  BATTERSON.  What  business  is  it  of  yours, 
sir!  (MRS.  BILLINGS  re-enters) 

JOHNSON.  Business!  Business!  (choking  with 
rage,  but  naturally.  Not  overdone) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes,  business!  Perhaps  you 
don't  know  who  we  are. 

JOHNSON.  I  don't  care  who  you  are!  I'll  show 
you  whether 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (coming  forward  quickly)  Oh, 
mama ;  don't  make  him  angry — he's  dreadful ! 
(comes  down — turns  to  JOHNSON,  who  is  up  a  little 
L.  c. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (goes  up  to  dresser)  We  only 
thought,  Mr.  Johnson — they  were  such  pretty  little 
packages,  and  such  remarkable  coffee — we'd  like  to 
have  a  few  for  our  friends  in  Yonkers.  (JOHNSON 
stares  at  her,  his  anger  gradually  melting  away) 
They'd  think  so  much  of  it,  you  see!  (MRS.  BIL- 
LINGS a  little  frightened) 

JOHNSON,  (aside  to  himself  partly,  as  he  looks  at 
her  most  admiringly)  She's  glorious — she — ha, 
ha! 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (hurriedly — seeing  JOHNSON  be- 
ginning to  look  sweet  again)  Do  you  mind  it  so 
very  much? 

JOHNSON,  (rousing  from  his  dream  of  bliss) 
Mind  it.  No,  no,  why  should  I — when  everything 
I've  got  is  yours !  (going  to  MRS.  BILLINGS  as  if  to 
put  arms  around  her  waist)  We  two — we  two,  eh? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  77 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (retiring  again  over  toward  R. 
before  JOHNSON'S  glances,  keeping  her  eyes  on  him, 
but  turning  appealingly  toward  MRS.  BATTERSON  as 
he  comes  near  her)  Mama — why,  look  at  him. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (coming  down  between  them 
and  stamping  foot)  Stop  it,  sir.  ( JOHNSON  goes 
away)  I  won't  have  it. 

JOHNSON,  (turning  on  MRS.  BATTERSON,  takes 
stage  and  back  quietly,  thoroughly  tired  of  her  inter- 
ference) Look  here — what's  the  matter  with  you? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I'd  like  to  know  what's  the 
matter  with  you,  sir ! 

JOHNSON,  (going  right  up  to  her)  I'll  show  you — 
d — d  quick!  Go  on  much  worse  and  I'll  have  you 
thrown  off  the  place.  (MRS.  BILLINGS  looking  on  in 
anxious  alarm  from  R.  c.  MRS.  BATTERSON  is  c.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  You  dare  to  address  such 
language  to  me,  sir. 

JOHNSON,  (crossing,  walks  away  a  little  with 
ejaculation  of  disgust  then  crosses  right  over  to  MRS. 
BILLINGS)  What  do  you  have  her  here  for?  Send 
her  away.  We  can't  get  along.  There's  no  trouble 
about  us. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (coming  between  them  again. 
Bus.  JOHNSON  going  down  L.)  Stop  it,  sir,  you're 
a  depraved  and  wicked  man.  (JOHNSON  down  L. 
again)  I've  heard  of  your  disgraceful  intrigues. 
That  Long  Branch  affair — Scandalous! 

(Every  time  MRS.  BATTERSON  comes  in  between  them 
JOHNSON  takes  stage  with  disgusted  expression.) 

JOHNSON.    What's  that? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Oh  yes.  And  the  innocent  girl 
you  are  expecting  to  marry.  Came  down  on  the  very 
same  steamer  with  us. 


78  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON.  Damnation.  Do  you  s'pose  I  thought 
she  came  down  on  another?  (talcing  stage  down  L. 
utterly  disgusted)  She  must  be  a  gibbering  idiot. 
They  told  me  she  was  dead,  (turns  suddenly  and 
goes  to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Look  here.  They  told 
me  you  was  dead.  It's  a  damn  swindle,  (paces 
about) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (hotly)    Stop  this  profanity. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (remonstrating)  Oh — mama. 
(not  for  any  regard  for  JOHNSON,  but  fearing  his 
temper  will  break  all  bounds) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Mr.  Billings  shall  hear  of  this ! 

JOHNSON,  (stopping  L.  c.  in  his  feverish  stalking 
about  and  looking  at  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Who? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    And  one  thing  more 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Oh  do 
stop! 

JOHNSON,  (recovering  speech)  Let  her  go  on; 
Let  her  go  on! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  In  the  first  place,  regarding 
your  staying  here. 

JOHNSON,  (savage  irony)    Yes,  what  about  that? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  We  were  just  going  away — but 
I  shall  certainly  stay  long  enough  to  have  your  busi- 
ness attended  to. 

JOHNSON,  (blazing  mad)  Ah!  (JOHNSON'S  eyes 
roam  wildly  about) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Oh  do  stop,  mama. 

JOHNSON,  (savage  irony)  Let  her  go  on.  (turn- 
ing to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  What  about  my  staying 
here. 

MBS.  BATTERSON.  Mr.  Billings  will  attend  to  that, 
sir. 

JOHNSON,  (roars  it  out)     Billings. 

MBS.  BATTERSON.    Yes — Billings. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  79 

JOHNSON.  You  send  Billings  to  me — and  I'll 
plug  him  so  full  of  lead  he'll  be  worth  a  dollar  a 
pound. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,   (subdued  cry  of  alarm)    Oh! 

JOHNSON.  Show  me  Billings — (down  front) 
Bring  him  around  where  I  can  break  a  jaw  out 
of  him. 

DATHIS.    Ladies ! 

(JOHNSON  is  raging  around  at  left  c.  Ladies  are  at 
B.  c.  and  they  are  involuntarily  retiring  up  a 
little  on  this  last  violent  outbreak.) 

(Enter  at  R.  1  E.  DATHIS  with  satchel  and  pair  of 
fencing  foils,  red  and  breathless  from  rapid 
walking  in  hot  sun.  He  stops  near  door.) 

JOHNSON,  (hand  on  hip  pocket,  roaring  it 
out)  Is  that  Billings? 

MRS.  BILLINGS  and  MRS.  BATTERSON.  Oh — etc. 
(JOHNSON  speaks  through  this.  They  show  anxiety) 
(MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  partly  to 
JOHNSON)  Oh,  no.  (JOHNSON  turns  away  with  a 
grunt) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    No — it's  a  friend  of  ours. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     We  met  him  on  the  steamer. 

JOHNSON,  (taking  hand  away  and  sort  of  going 
down — sort  of  growl  of  assent)  Oh.  ( JOHNSON 
glares  contemptuously  at  DATHIS) 

DATHIS.  (bows)    It  is  the  right  place,  I  think. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (slight  misgiving  and  anxiety) 
Oh,  yes — this  is —  (slight  gasp  and  glance  at  JOHN- 
SON)— the  place. 

JOHNSON,  (loud  voice)    What  does  he  want? 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (aside  to  MRS.  BATTERSON) 
Mama!  He  must  not  know — who  that  is — yet. 
(indicating  JOHNSON) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (aside  to  MRS.  BILLINGS)  No 
— not  now. 


80  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (aside  to  MBS.  BATTEESON)  Wait 
till  Augustus  comes  back! 

JOHNSON.    What  does  he  want,  I  say! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    We  invited  him  to  come! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  He — he  came  here  to  inquire 
— how  we  did 

DATHIS.  (advancing  quickly  over  to  JOHNSON  L.) 
No,  no.  Zthat  ees  a  mistake!  (crosses  to  JOHNSON) 
If  you  must  know.  I  came  in  search  for  some  one. 

JOHNSON,  (facing  DATHIS)   Who? 

DATHIS.  (eyes  fixed  on  JOHNSON)  Tell  me  zhis 
if  you  please!  Are  you  zhe  overseer  of  zhis  planta- 
tion? 

JOHNSON.  Not  by  a (turning  from  him  and 

going  down  L.) 

DATHIS.  (following  him  down)  Zhat  is  just  as 
well  for  you!  (ladies  stand  up  R.  c.  quite  alarmed) 

JOHNSON,  (turning  on  him)  If  I  was — what  of 
it-eh? 

DATHIS.  If  you  was  heem — why  zhen  I  would 
ask  you  for  somezing. 

JOHNSON,  (in  his  face)  Well,  you  go  on  and  ask 
it.  Maybe  I  can  get  it  for  you.  (the  two  glare  at 
each  other  a  moment.  DATHIS  suddenly  turns  and 
goes  up  to  ladies) 

DATHIS.  (to  ladies)  That  is  not  zhe  man — no 
— zhat  is  not  heem — eh? 

MRS.  BILLINGS  and  MRS.  BATTERSON.  (to 
DATHIS)  Oh  no!  No  indeed. 

DATHIS.  Aloes!  (shrug)  I  will  not  waste  my 
time,  (while  DATHIS  converses  with  ladies,  JOHN- 
SON glares  at  him  in  a  heavy  rage)  If  I  could  be 
permitted  to  bathe  ze  face  and  hands,  Madam 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Certainly — you  shall  have  this 
room,  Mr.  Dathis.  Right  next  to  ours,  (leading 
way  to  door  up  B,  on  B.  of  their  own  room) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  81 

DATHIS.  I  shall  excuse  myself  for  one  moment. 
(Exit  into  room) 

JOHNSON,  (starting  forward)  Here.  (JOHNSON 
has  watched  this  scene  in  amazement.  Ladies  turn 
quickly.  Starting  forward)  Here,  that's  my  room. 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.  (intercepting  him)  We  require 
it  for  the  use  of  our  guest!  You'll  have  to  find 
some  other  place  to  stay.  (Exit  into  her  room  up 
B.  c.  in  stately  dignity,  followed  by  MBS.  BILLINGS) 

JOHNSON,  (makes  start  toward  door  where  MBS. 
BATTEBSON  went)  Say,  look  here!  Do  you  think 
I'm  going  to (MfiS.  BILLINGS  slams  door  vio- 
lently in  his  face.  JOHNSON  stands  an  instant  facing 
door  that  shut  in  his  face) 

(Enter  BILLINGS  hurriedly  from  window,  goes  to 
JOHNSON  up  B.  c.) 

BILLINGS.  Say,  look  here,  old  man — niggers  out 
there  won't  give  me  a  team  unless  you  tell  'em. 
Can't  you —  (looks  at  JOHNSON,  who  turns  toward 
him  trying  to  speak)  Anything  gone  wrong? 

JOHNSON,  (gasping  with  rage,  and  pointing  to 
door  where  Frenchman  has  gone,  trying  to  speak  but 
his  rage  is  too  great  for  words) 

BILLINGS.  Speak  right  out.  I  can  stand  any- 
thing. 

JOHNSON,  (raging  and  growling  it  out)  A  cursed 
French  idiot (pointing  to  DATHIS'  room) 

BILLINGS.  Say — you  want  to  look  out  for  that 
chap — he's  a  terror. 

JOHNSON.  Look  here  you  (stops  before  BILLINGS 
and  shakes  his  fist  at  his  head)  If  you  wasn't  Fad- 
dish— if  you  wasn't  her  father — I'd 

BILLINGS  (grabbing  JOHNSON'S  uplifted  fist  and 
shaking  hands  vigorously  with  him)  course  you 
would —  (hustling  him  over  to  window)  — but  as 
it  is,  we're  right  in  together.  Now,  look  here,  old 


82  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

man,  yon  hurry  up  and  get  me  that  team,  and  I'll 
have  her  out  of  here  in  one  minute,  (hustles  JOHN- 
SON off  at  window) 

JOHNSON.    Team,  what  team? 

BILLINGS.    Why,  to  get  the  old  woman  out  of  here. 

JOHNSON,  (hurries  off)  Yes,  I'll  get  you  the 
team. 

(Noises  of  people  on  veranda  outside  R.  BILLINGS 
turns  to  go  R.  to  see  what  it  is.  Enter  MR. 
FADDISH  and  LEONORA,  followed  by  MACKIN- 
TOSH at  R.  1  E.  They  are  very  tired  and  dusty. 
They  carry  baggage  and  parcels  of  various  de- 
scriptions. 

(BILLINGS  goes  across  to  meet  the  FADDISH  party 
without  delay.) 

BILLINGS.  Ah — how  do  you  do — got  here,  didn't 
you?  Yes — so  I  see — of  course.  (FADDISHES  mur- 
mur greetings  to  BILLINGS  and  bus.  of  shaking  hands 
warmly  through  early  part  of  his  speech.  He  goes 
right  on,  favoring  this  bus.  but  not  allowing  them 
to  start  in)  So  sorry  you  had  all  this  trouble  for 
nothing.  (FADDISHES  look  at  BILLINGS  astonished.) 

LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH.     Nothing! 

BILLINGS.    Yes — he  isn't  here. 

FADDISH.    What?    Dear  me. 

LEONORA.    There,  papa. 

BILLINGS.  Said  he  was  going  to  meet  some  one 
at  the  steamer 

FADDISH.    Why,  he  means 

BILLINGS,  (urging  them  all  the  time  to  door  R.  1 
E.)  Perhaps  he  does — never  thought  of  that!  Left 
word  he'd  be  at  the  hotel  all  the  morning,  and  told 
his  man  to  go  out  and  order  him  a  first-class  parson 
and  a  dozen  on  ice. 

FADDISH.  Parson!  On  ice!!  Dear  me — why 
we'd  better 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  83 

BILLINGS.  Might  be  just  as  well— awfully  sorry 
to  lose  you — but  perhaps  you'll  drop  around  some 
other  time — Good-bye!  (bus.  of  getting  them  all 
toward  door  R.)  I'd  send  you  down  in  a  carriage, 
but  all  the  horses  are  out  plowing  coffee — good- 
bye! good-bye! 

FADDISH,  (rattled)  But — dear  me — you  don't 
suppose. 

BILLINGS.  Must  say  it  looks  like  it.  Good-bye. 
(still  urging  them  till  they  are  nearly  off  at  door 
B.  1  E.  FADDISH  nervously} 

FADDISH.  Come !  Come,  my  dear,  (about  to  de- 
part) 

LEONOBA.  Papa  !  I  simply  can't  go  another  step ! 
(leaves  others  and  drops  on  lounge) 

MACKINTOSH.  Oh!  (coming  to  LEONORA  on 
lounge  and  standing  above  her)  She's  so  tired! 

BILLINGS.     How  sad  it  all  is 

FADDISH.  We  can't  wait  a  minute!  Not  a 
minute,  (at  back  of  lounge) 

BILLINGS,  (shaking  hands  warmly  with  FADDISH 
across  lounge)  Can't  you!  That's  too  bad!  But 
if  you  must  be  off 

LEONORA.  If  I  could — only  have  a  little  some- 
thing— to  keep  my  strength  up ! 

BILLINGS.  Yes,  of  course,  (gag)  Then  you 
could  go,  couldn't  you?  I'll  get  you  something,  (hur- 
ries about  looking — gets  a  pan  of  raw  potatoes  from 
dresser  up  centre  and  brings  it  down.  Offering 
LEONORA  potatoes)  Here,  try  this,  not  very  nice 
but  it's  all  right  on  the  inside. 

LEONORA.     But  I  don't  like  raw  potatoes. 

BILLINGS.  How  did  that  occur?  (MACKINTOSH) 
Here,  won't  you  try  half  a  dozen  raw?  (MACKIN- 
TOSH refuses  it)  Here,  you'll  have  a  raw  (to  FAD- 
DISH. FADDISH  refuses  it.  BILLINGS  goes  up  to 
dresser  and  looks  around  for  something  eatable.) 


84  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

FADDISH.    But  we  can't  waste  time. 

MACKINTOSH.    You  will  kill  her,  sir! 

FADDISH.    That  will  do! 

LEONORA,  (sadly  but  hastily)  Isn't  there  some 
coffee  or  something? 

BILLINGS.  There's  something — but  there  isn't 

any  coffee.  Here !  Wait  a  minute (goes  up  to 

dresser  and  brings  down  little  sack  of  coffee,  which 
must  be  left  there  for  this  bus.  by  ladies  in  earlier 
part  of  scene;  it  is  open  ready  for  bus.)  Here's 
some  coffee !  Just  dug  this  morning.  Put  some  in 
your  pocket  and  chew  it  on  the  way.  (giving  LEO- 
NORA a  handful  of  it)  Here,  I  want  you  just  to 
try  the  flavor  of  it.  (puts  some  in  FADDISH'S  mouth 
then  turns  to  MACKINTOSH)  Here,  won't  you  try 
a  little  of  this  coffee,  etc,  etc. 

FADDISH,  (turning  about  and  moving  round  nerv- 
ously) Oh — thank  you — you're  very  kind. 

BILLINGS.  Nothing  at  all — it's  the  way  we  do  in 
Cuba.  Good-bye. 

(Business  of  urging  them  off  as  he  shakes  hands. 
Enter  JOHNSON  suddenly  from  window.  He 
stops  dead  on  seeing  the  crowd.  All  stop  an 
instant  and  look  at  JOHNSON) 

JOHNSON,  (loud  voice)  Who  are  you?  What  do 
you  want?  Who  are  they,  I  say? 

BILLINGS,  (moving  quickly  near  JOHNSON)    You 


JOHNSON,  (pushing  past  BILLINGS)  What  did 
you  come  for — eh? 

FADDISH.    We  came — to  see  Mr.  Johnson. 

JOHNSON.    Well,  I'm  Johnson!    What  is  it? 

FADDISH,  LEONORA,  MACKINTOSH,  (astonishment) 
What!  Oh!  (etc.)  (exclamation  in  unison) 

FADDISH.  Why  we  came,  you  know — about  the — 
the  marriage! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  35 

JOHNSON.    My  marriage! 

FADDISH.    Why  yes!    We— e- 

JOHNSON.  What  in  the  devil's  name  have  you 
got  to  do  with  it? 

BILLINGS.  (letting  JOHNSON  down — coming 
around  between  JOHNSON  and  FADDISH)  'S  all 
right,  old  chap — sort  of  poor  relatives  of  ours — 
and 

JOHNSON,  (loud  voice)  Relatives!  Send 'em  back 
home !  Get  'em  out  of  here !  (down  L.) 

BILLINGS,  (turns  cheerfully  on  FADDISH — who  has 
been  meekly  waiting  and  watching  scene.  To  FAD- 
DISH) Well,  you  see  how  it  is.  He  says  you've  got 
to  go 

FADDISH.     Why — there   must   be — some   mistake. 

BILLINGS.  That's  what  it  is.  He  says  you're  the 
wrong  party. 

JOHNSON,    (to  BILLINGS)    Look  here,  Faddish! 

FADDISH,  (about  to  answer)    Yes,  sir — I 

BILLINGS,  (coolly  stopping  FADDISH)  Wait  a 
minute — I'd  better  see  what  he  wants,  (glides 
quickly  to  JOHNSON) 

JOHNSON.  Did  your  old  catamaran  bring  that  lot 
down  here? 

BILLINGS.  Believe  she  did — as  a  favor  to  you,  old 
man.  (hand  on  JOHNSON'S  shoulder) 

JOHNSON.    Eh  ? 

BILLINGS  Thought  you'd  need  more  help  around 
the  house.  (JOHNSON  stares  at  BILLINGS  unable  to 
speak)  Hang  it,  my  boy — niggers  can't  do  every- 
thing— you  ought  to  know  that. 

JOHNSON,  (slightly  mollified)  Oh !  (looks  at  FAD- 
DISH crowd)  Can  they  work  ? 

BILLINGS.  Like  dogs.  All  they  want  is  disci- 
pline and  you're  just  the  man  to  give  it  'em,  we 
heard  about  you.  But  there's  one  thing.  Whatever 
you  do,  don't  let  'em  talk. 


86  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON,  (bus.  shaking  hands)  I'll  look  out  for 
that,  (looks  at  FADDISHES.  BILLINGS  retires  up  a 
little.  JOHNSON  swaggers  over  to  c.) 

FADDISH,  (going  to  JOHNSON)  If  there's  any  mis- 
take, sir 

JOHNSON.  Shut  up!  (FADDISH  stops  astonished) 
When  I  want  you  to  talk  I'll  let  you  know.  Now, 
as  you  are  relatives  of  my  future  wife — you  can  stop 
here  awhile.  But  I  ain't  going  to  have  a  lot  of 
idlers  sitting  down  on  me !  No,  sir — you've  got  to 
work  if  you  stay  on  this  place — that's  settled ! 

FADDISH,  LEONORA,  MACKINTOSH,  (astonished) 
Eh?  Work — (etc.)  (they  exchange  glances  of  sur- 
prise) 

JOHNSON.    I  said  work,  didn't  I? 

FADDISH.    But,  my  dear  friend,  you  don't — — 

JOHNSON.  Shut  up !  You're  too  cursed  familiar 
— that's  what  you  are! 

MACKINTOSH,  (throwing  down  package  and 
crossing  over  to  JOHNSON)  Listen  to  me,  BIT. 

JOHNSON,  (turning)     Eh!  What's  this? 

MACKINTOSH.    I  am  not  a  relative 

JOHNSON.    Well,  what  are  you? 

MACKINTOSH.  Sir — (standing  bravely  forth)  I 
— love  the  poor  girl  who  is  betrothed  to  you — whose 
life  you 

JOHNSON,  (gasp  of  astonishment)  What!  (looks 
at  BILLINGS) 

BILLINGS.  Has  "wheels  in  his  head."  (BILLINGS 
turns  away  and  walks  around  near  table) 

MACKINTOSH.    I  love  her,  sir,  and  she  loves  me. 

JOHNSON,   (bursting  with,  laughter)    Loves  you! 

LEONOBA.    Yes,  yes,  she  does. 

FADDISH.    Stop,  I  say! 

MACKINTOSH.  I  will  not  stop !  And  I  appeal  to 
you,  sir — I  appeal  to  you  as  a  man — as  a  brother. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  87 

FADDISH,  (crossing  to  JOHNSON)  Don't  mind 
him,  sir.  Ifs  all  right  between  us.  (bus.  poking 
JOHNSON  in  the  stomach.  Going  back  to  LEONORA. 

E.) 

JOHNSON,  (backing  to  near  table)  Well,  this  is 
pretty  cool,  by  Cain. 

BILLINGS,  (over  L.)  Yes,  it's  the  coolest  thing  I 
ever  saw !  But  he's  a  mere  boy — a  stripling !  You're 
not  going  to  mind  a  stripling,  are  you? 

JOHNSON,  (going  c.)  Well,  look  here,  you  young 
stripling  or  whatever  you  are  you  can  work  with 
the  rest — or  get  out — do  you  hear  ?  That'll  do  now. 
I've  heard  enough.  (MACKINTOSH  goes  over  to  other 
side  of  LEONORA  extreme  R.  To  all  FADDISH'S  party) 
Now,  come !  What  are  you  good  for  ?  What  can  you 
do?  Eh? 

FADDISH,  LEONORA,  MACKINTOSH.  What!  Good 
for?  Why,  mercy!  He  isn't  going  to— — 

JOHNSON.  How  are  you  on  your  pins?  (to  FAD- 
DISH) 

FADDISH.    Pins,  sir? 

JOHNSON.  I  said  pins,  didn't  I?  Come,  walk 
around  a  little — let  me  see  you  walk.  (FADDISH 
starts  walking  in  a  circle  down  L.)  Heigh!  Did  you 
hear  that —  (going  to  FADDISH  and  starting  him 
round)  I  said,  walk!  That's  it!  Faster!  Faster! 
Move  along  now.  You,  too —  (to  LEONORA,  who 
starts  and  follows  FADDISH  around)  All  of  ye !  (to 
MACKINTOSH,  wlio  also  starts  off.  Going  to  BILLINGS 
who  is  seated  on  table  L.)  What's  the  old  man's 
name? 

BILLINGS.    Blodgett ! 

JOHNSON,  (turning  to  FADDISH)  Move  along  there, 

Blodgett — (to  LEONORA)    Hold  your  chin  up,  will 

ye !   (to  MACKINTOSH)   What's  the  matter  with  you? 

(FADDISH  party  walking.    At  same  time  show  that 

they  are  completely  mystified,  and  alarmed) 


gg  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON,  (to  BILLINGS)  A  cursed  poor  lot — 
that* s  what  they  are !  See  'em  walk,  will  ye ! 

BILLINGS.  Yes — of  course — but  there  might  be 
something  else  they  could  do  better. 

(JOHNSON  and  BILLINGS  talk.  Enter  MBS.  BILLINGS 
from  room  followed  by  MBS.  BATTEBSON.    They 
see  FADDISH  party  walking,  and  after  an  in- 
stant's pause,  go  right  down  to  them) 
MBS.  BILLINGS,  MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (going  to  FAD- 
DISH,  LEONOBA,   MACKINTOSH)    Oh,   how   de   do! 
You  got  here,  didn't  you?    Why,  what  ARE  YOU 
DOING? 

FADDISH.    Oh,  yes !  Good  morning. 
MACKINTOSH.    We  don't  understand  this  at  all. 
LEONOBA.    Isn't  it  dreadful? 

(They  all  stop  walking,  LEONOBA  nearest  the  centre 

of  the  stage) 

JOHNSON,  (suddenly  seeing  they  have  stopped 
walking)  Go  on  there,  walk.  I  didn't  tell  ye  to 
stop. 

(The  FADDISH  party  at  once  begin  to  walk  around 
as  before.  JOHNSON  drinks,  MBS.  BILLINGS 
joins  LEONOBA  as  she  walks  around,  asking  her 
ad  lib.  for  an  explanation — then  goes  over  to 
BILLINGS  at  table) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Dear  me.  What  are  they  doing, 
Augustus  ? 

BILLINGS.  Walking.  (MBS.  BILLINGS  leaves  BIL- 
LINGS and  goes  up  again) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (coming  to  BILLINGS)  What 
for — pray  ? 

BILLINGS.     See  whether  they'll  do  or  not. 
MBS.  BILLINGS  and  MBS.  BATTEBSON.    Mercy! 
MBS.  BATTEBSON.   (suddenly  indignant)    Well,  I 
should  like  to  know  why  he  is  doing  it  here — in  our 
house. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  89 

BILLINGS  That's  all  right — let  them  have  it  for 
an  hour  or  so.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  joins  MBS.  BIL- 
LINGS again) 

FADDISH,  (going  over  to  BILLINGS,  keeping  feet 
going  all  the  time  like  a  treadmill)  Would  you 
please  tell  me — what  he  means  by  this? 

BILLINGS.  Nothing  at  all — 's  way  they  do  in 
Cuba. 

(FADDISH  goes  R.  again  and  falls  in  with  others 
walking.     JOHNSON  comes  down  c.  and  to  L. 
JOHNSON'S  eyes  are  fixed  on  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

LEONORA.     OH,  I'm  so  tired ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  What  a  perfect  shame!  (goes 
c.  to  JOHNSON  who  is  L.  c.)  Mr.  Johnson,  I  beg  you 
to  let  them  rest. 

JOHNSON.    You  ask  me  that — you 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Why  are  you  so  cruel  ? 

JOHNSON.  Cruel!  Ah,  no — it  is  you  who  are 
cruel,  since  you  do  not  let  me  speak  one  word  of  love ! 

(MRS.  BATTERSON  starting  with  astonishment,  looks 
at  JOHNSON.  FADDISH,  LEONORA  and  MACK- 
INTOSH stop  walking  and  look  at  JOHNSON) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (as  she  retreats  from  JOHNSON) 
What  do  you  mean,  sir? 

JOHNSON.  I  mean  that  for  you —  (going  to  take 
MRS.  BILLINGS  round  waist)  Light  of  my  soul! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (quickly  going  between  JOHN- 
SON and  MRS.  BILLINGS)  Stop  it,  sir! 

JOHNSON,  (going  down  L.,  turning  on  her)  Ain't 
I  going  to  say  what  I  like  to  her? 

FADDISH,  (to  JOHNSON)  Not — not  before  my 
daughter,  sir! 

JOHNSON.  Your  daughter!  What  the  devil — 
HEBE !  I'll  show  you  whether 


90  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(JOHNSON  goes  quickly  and  seizes  MRS.  BILLINGS  c. 
and  before  anyone  can  stop  him,  forcibly  kisses 
her  on  L.  side  of  face.  MRS.  BILLINGS  screams. 
BILLINGS  instantly  cuffs  JOHNSON  across  the 
head  from  up  L.  At  same  instant  MRS.  BIL- 
LINGS backs  quickly  to  MRS.  BATTERSON,  who 
holds  her — her  head  turned  so  she  looks  sideways 
at  JOHNSON.  MRS.  BATTERSON  holding  MRS. 
BILLINGS  glares  at  JOHNSON.  LEONORA  clings 
to  FADDISH.  MACKINTOSH  stands  looking  from 
B.  JOHNSON  glaring  at  BILLINGS.  BILLINGS 
coolly  regarding  JOHNSON.  Tableau  an  instant. 
When  BILLINGS  strikes  JOHNSON,  MUSIC  //., 
drop  immediately  to  pp.  and  kept  up  till  cue.) 

BILLINGS.    'S  going  a  little  too  far,  my  boy. 
(Enter  DATHIS  door  up  stage  R.  c.) 

JOHNSON,  (recovering  speech,  and  breaking  out, 
and  about  to  draw  revolver  on  BILLINGS)  By  Cain, 
I'll  make  you  pay  for  this,  (to  BILLINGS) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (seeing  JOHNSON  about  to  draw 
pistol,  throws  herself  between  them  and  stands  in 
front  of  BILLINGS  to  shield  him)  Ah!  Mr.  John- 
eon  ! !  (to  JOHNSON) 

DATHIS.  (down  quickly  to  R.  side  of  JOHNSON) 
Ah!  Johnson!  (DATHIS  slaps  JOHNSON  a  ringing 
blow  across  back  of  neck.  JOHNSON  turns  on  him. 
DATHIS  crosses  round  in  front  to  L.  of  him.)  You 
will  perhaps  consent  to  fight  wiz  me ! 

JOHNSON.  Fight!  Fight!  The  man  who  strikes 
me  has  got  to  pay  for  it  right  here! 

(Draws  revolver.  MUSIC  ff.  till  end.  MACKINTOSH 
grabs  him  around  neck  from  in  front.  FAD- 
DISH, LEONORA  and  others  hold  on  to  arm  that 
has  the  pistol.  They  drag  him  up  toward 
lounge.  He  breaks  away  down  stage.  All 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  91 

rush  down  and  drag  him  back.  As  they  reach 
lounge  second  time  FADDISH  jumps  up  on  it 
and  holds  him  round  neck.  BILLINGS  and 
DATHIS  remain  over  L.) 

TABLEAU— CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

SCENE.— Same  as  Act  II.  Supposed  to  be  very 
early  morning;  have  red  sunrise  effect  at  win- 
dow and  opening  B.  1  EV  change  to  white  when 
DATHIS  enters. 

PROPERTIES.— Same  as  Act  II.  except  chair 
under  bookshelf  L.  Stool  over  L.  above  opening 
L.  1  E.  water  bucket  moved  from  behind  table 
and  placed  in  corner  above  L.  1  E.  Chair  over 
at  head  of  lounge  in  place  of  stool.  A  full 
brandy  bottle  on  dresser.  White  robe  on  lounge 
as  at  opening  Act  II.  MUSIC  pp.  and  die 
away  at  rise. 

DISCOVERED.— FREDEBICK  looking  off  at  opening 
B.  1  E. 

(Enter  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  from 
their  room  up  B.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (going  L.  c.)  Mercy!  Did  you 
ever  pass  such  a  night? 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  (R.  c.)  Do  you  think  they've 
fought  yet? 

MBS.  BATTERSON.    What  time  is  it? 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (looks  at  watch)  After  seven — 
Augustus  went  out — oh — before  sunrise.  It  seems 
perfect  ages.  (MBS.  BATTEBSON  sees  FBEDEBICK  at 
door  down  R.) 


92  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    There's  Frederick. 

FBEDEBICK.   (turning)    Yes,  mum. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    Can  you  see  anything  of  them? 

FBEDEBICK.  No,  mum — not  anything  at  all, 
mum.  (MBS.  BILLINGS  listening  eagerly  to  FBED- 
EBICK'S  words) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    You  haven't  heard  a — a 

FBEDEBICK.  No  firm's  took  place,  mum — I'm 
sure  I'd  'ave  'eard  if  it  'ad.  (pause.  Ladies  look 
around  shudderingly.  MBS.  BATTEBSON  sits  B.  of 
table) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  We  couldn't  stay  in  our  room. 
(sits  at  foot  of  lounge)  They  might  bring  one  of 
them  back  all — all  mutilated — and  dreadful. 

FBEDEBICK.  So  they  might,  miss,  (still  looking 
off) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  And — you  know — our  window 
opens  right 

FBEDEBICK.    So  it  does,  miss. 

MBS.  BILLINGS,  (after  a  short  pause)  Which — 
which  do  you  think  will — will  be 

FBEDEBICK.  (quickly  turning  to  her)  Now  don't 
you  be  alarmed,  miss !  You  ain't  agoin'  to  lose  'im ! 
(MBS.  BILLINGS  simply  looks  at  FBEDEBICK  in  as- 
tonishment) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (after  a  short  pause  of  sur- 
prise) To  whom  do  you  refer? 

FBEDEBICK.  Mr.  Johnson,  mum.  Oh,  'e  can  take 
care  of  'imself.  She  ain't  no  cause  to  feel  oneasy. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  (cold  firmness)  I  should  re- 
gret to  have  either  of  the  gentlemen  injured,  but  if 
one  of  them  must  necessarily  suffer,  I  should  cer- 
tainly prefer  it  to  be  Mr.  Johnson. 

FBEDEBICK.  (after  blankly  surprised  look  goes  off 
to  MBS.  BATTEBSON  at  table)  Then — then  I  sup- 
pose, mum,  you'd  like  to  break  it  off. 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.    Break  what  off? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  93 

FREDERICK.    The  marriage,  mum. 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.  Oh— as  for  that— it  hardly 
concerns  me — but  of  course  the  poor  girl  would 
never  be  happy  with  such  a  man — never. 

FREDERICK.  'E  is  pretty  'ard,  mum,  an'  I  know 
it — there's  few  as  knows  it  better — indeed  I — I  was 
— a — thinkin'  of  telling  you  so — but  it  would  'ardly 
do  for  me. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Why  there's  no  reason  why  you 
should  say  anything  to  us  about  it — you  ought  to 
speak  to  the  girl  herself. 

FREDERICK,  (pause)  Yes,  mum;  if  you  say  so, 
mum.  (goes  over  to  MRS.  BILLINGS.  Pause)  Really, 
miss,  I  didn't  quite  know  as  how  it  was  my  place 
to  speak  to  you  about  this ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    About  what? 

FREDERICK.  About  Mr.  Johnson,  being  such  a 
'ard  man,  miss. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Anyone  can  see  that !  no  neces- 
sity for  you  mentioning  it  to  me ! 

FREDERICK,  (somewhat  bewildered)  Yes,  miss. 
(goes  c.  and  addresses  MRS.  BATTERSON)  I  suppose 
I'm  extraordinary  selfish — for  I'd  'ate  to  'ave  Mr. 
Johnson  knocked  under  as  it  ud  throw  me  out  of  a 
place.  That's  pretty  mean,  I  know — but  we  must  all 
look  out  for  ourselves,  mum. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (sympathizingly)  Why  yes— that 
would  be  too  bad. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (good-hearted)  We  like  you, 
Frederick — you  seem  honest  and  faithful — and  I'll 
say  this  much,  that  if  anything  happens  to  Mr.  John- 
son, we'll  keep  you  right  on  here  just  the  same. 
(FREDERICK  looks  at  MRS.  BATTERSON  blankly) 

FREDERICK,  (as  if  not  knowing  what  he  said) 
Th — thank  you,  mum.  I — I'll  just  go  an'  see  'ow 
those  new  people  is  doin'  (goes  toward  opening  L.  1  E. 
in  a  dazed  manner  as  if  doubting  whether  the  ladies 


94  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

were  sane.  No  comicalities  in  this,  however;  make 
it  perfectly  serious  and  natural) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Frederick,  (rising  and  going 
c.  FREDERICK  stops  and  turns) 

FREDERICK.    Yes'm. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Do  you  know  where  our  shoes 
were  put? 

FREDERICK.  Yes,  mum,  cert'n'ly.  (turns  and 
speaks  off  L.  1  E.)  'Ere,  I  soay — ain't  the  ladies' 
shoes  done  yet? 

FADDISH,  (outside  L.)    Yes — yes. 

FREDERICK.  Well,  hring  'em  'ere,  you  bloke,  (to 
MRS.  BATTERSON)  'E'll  'ave  'em  for  you  in  just  a 
moment,  mum.  Everything's  so  upset  with  all  this 
fighting  an' 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Oh — it's  quite  excusable. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes — quite. 

(Enter  old  MR.  FADDISH  hurriedly  L.  with  ladies' 
white  shoes — blacking  brush,  etc.  He  enters, 
not  expecting  to  see  the  ladies  here.  FREDERICK 
goes  up  and^  looks  off  at  window) 

FADDISH,  (as  he  enters)  I'm  sure  I  can't  remem- 
ber which — oh — good  morning. 

(TABLEAU.  FADDISH  in  shirt-sleeves,  standing 
with  shoes,  brush,  etc.  Ladies  are  astonished) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Is  it  possible — that  you 

FADDISH.  Yes — dear  me — it's  most  annoying, 
isn't  it? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why,  I  never  heard  of  such  a 
thing. 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.  (indignation  rising)  Ifs  out- 
rageous. 

(Enter  LEONOBA  with  broom  and  dustpan) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  95 

LEONORA.  I  don't  know  where  to (seeing 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS.  FREDERICK 
comes  down  L.)  Oh!  (stops  embarrassed.  MRS. 
BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  look  at  LEONORA  in 
amazement.  Enter  MACKINTOSH  with  towels,  etc., 
and  a  large  pan  or  pot  which  he  has  been  wiping) 

MACKINTOSH,  (to  LEONORA)  Here  it  is,  my 

darling,  in  the (stops  on  seeing  ladies  and 

stands) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (turning  angrily  on  FREDERICK 
who  has  come  L.  of  MACKINTOSH)  What  does  this 
mean? 

FREDERICK,  (alarmed)    What  mean,  mum? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Making  them  do  such  things 
as  this. 

FREDERICK.    I — I  was  ordered  to,  mum. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Ordered  to!  Ordered — (over- 
come with  anger)  —e — Do  you  know  who  owns  this 
place  ? 

FREDERICK.  Yes,  mum.  It  was  him  as  told  me 
to  do  it. 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS.  What! 
(MRS.  BATTERSON  looks  at  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  My  husband — told  you.  (com- 
ing c.) 

FREDERICK.  Well — yes,  mum — I  spose  you  could 
call  him  that,  it's  so  near. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    What!  Augustus. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Oh,  it's  very  likely. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (to  FREDERICK,  sternly)  Did  Mr. 
Billings  order  you  to  do  this? 

FREDERICK.    Mr.  Billings,  mum. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (almost  violently)  Yes,  Mr.  Bil- 
lings. 

FREDERICK.    No,  mum.   (shaking  head) 

ALL.    Ah! 

FREDERICK.    It  was  Mr.  Johnson,  mum. 


96  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Of  course  it  was. 
together  c.  talking  ad  lib.  till  MRS.  BILLINGS'"  next 
line.  FREDERICK  goes  over  back  of  them  and  looks 
off  R.  1  E.)  I  knew  there  was  some  mistake.  Au- 
gustus would  never  do  such  a  thing,  (they  break 
up  group  and  fall  back  to  old  positions  in  a  line. 
MACKINTOSH,  LEONORA,  FADDISH,  MRS.  BATTERSON, 
MRS.  BILLINGS) 

LEONORA.  I  do  hope  the  French  gentleman  will 
kill  that  dreadful  man — even  if  he  is  your  overseer. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    We  hope  so  too. 

LEONORA.    Oh,  do  you? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Oh  dear — it  seems  so  dreadful  to 
have  anybody  killed. 

FREDERICK,  (who  is  looking  off  R.  1  E.  without 
turning  round,  signals  with  left  hand  to  others  to 
be  quiet)  Sh!  Sh!  (all  turn  heads  together  and 
look  off  L.  1  E.) 

FREDERICK,  (turning  to  them)  I  think  I  see 
something,  mum.  (turns  head  quickly  and  looks  off 
R.  1  E.  again.  Others  all  turn  heads  quickly  and  look 
towards  FREDERICK.  Pause.  FREDERICK  turns  to 
them  again)  Can  I  look  out  of  your  window,  mum  ? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Yes,  yes,  go  right  in.  (FRED- 
ERICK turns  up  into  room  up  R.  c.  MRS.  BATTERSON 
follows  up  toward  door.  MRS.  BILLINGS  timidly 
follows  at  a  little  distance) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Mama.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  turns) 
Are  you — going  to  look  at  them? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  There's  no  need  of  our  looking 
out — if  we  don't  want  to — (EXIT  into  room  up  R.  c. 
MACKINTOSH  has  gone  up  to  window  to  look  off) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Yes  —  but  —  (hesitates  —  looks 
around  room)  Mama!  I  don't  think  I  want  to! 
(EXIT  into  room  up  R.  c.) 

FADDISH,  (to  LEONORA)  Wait  herel  I  will  see 
which  is — (hesitates  a  moment) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  97 

LEONORA    Yes— go  and  see. 

FADDISH.    Yes,  yes.     (EXIT  L.    Slight  pause) 

LEONORA,  (stands  absently  with  broom- — dustpan, 
etc.,  her  eyes  on  vacancy.  MACKINTOSH  with  dish- 
wash  bus. — after  a  few  seconds,  goes  towards  her) 

MACKINTOSH.     Darling ! 

LEONORA.  Oh,  Harry — (burying  her  face  on  his 
bosom)  (Raising  her  face)  Harry,  I  can't  have  you 
stay  here  doing  these  menial  things — I  can't  bear  to 
see  you  so  humiliated.  You  must  go.  I  ask  you  to, 
Harry,  I  ask  it. 

MACKINTOSH,  (striking  picture  with  dishpan  and 
cloth,  which  he  has  in  his  hand  all  the  time)  I  am 
going  to  stay  with  you  up  to  the  very  end. 

LEONOBA.  Oh,  Harry,  (laugh,  head  on  his  bosom 
again) 

MACKINTOSH.    We  mustn't  give  up  hope ! 

LEONORA.  (looTcing  up)  There  can't  be  any  hope. 
It's  the  other  one  that's  killed.  I  feel  it.  (FRED- 
ERICK rushes  on  from  door  up  R.  c.  LEONORA  and 
MACKINTOSH  turn  to  him) 

FREDERICK.    They're  coming  back! 

LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH.    Who! 

FREDERICK,  (rushing  across)  Mr.  Johnson  and  all 
of  them.  (EXIT  L.  1  E.) 

LEONORA,  (after  FREDERICK  has  gone  off)  Oh, 
there's  no  hope !  Yesterday  he  sent  word  to  a  Notary 
to  come  here  early  this  morning.  Papa  heard  him. 

MACKINTOSH.    This  morning! 

LEONORA.    Yes. 

MACKINTOSH.  I'll  fight  the  fellow!  That's  what 
I'll  do! 

LEONORA.  Oh,  it  would  be  suicide !  He'd  kill  you 
you,  Harry,  he  would  I 

MACKINTOSH.  Let  him  do  it !  That's  better  than 
to  be  alive  and  know  that  you  are  here — with  him! 


98  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

LEONORA.  Oh  no,  Harry,  it  would  be  simply 
murder ! 

MACKINTOSH.  Not  if  he  fights  fair,  and  I'll  see 
that  he  does.  He  won't  pay  any  attention  to  what  I 
say.  I'll  write  it!  (LEONORA  stands  lack  in  de- 
spair) I'll  write  him  a  challenge,  (throws  down 
dustpan  and  cloth  and  looks  about)  Here's  some 
ink!  (brings  ink  down  on  table)  If  I  can  only  find 
some  paper.  Where  do  they  keep  it?  (looking  on 
shelves  of  dresser  up  c.)  Do  you  see  anything  I  can 
write  on? 

LEONORA,  (both  at  dresser  up  c.  LEONORA  R.  and 
MACKINTOSH  L.)  Oh  no!  Don't  do  it,  Harry,  don't 
don't,  (clings  to  him,  LEONORA  puts  dustpan  and 
brush  down  on  dresser) 

MACKINTOSH,  (pushing  her  aside)  I'm  going  to 
— you  needn't  try  to  stop  me !  He  thinks  because  I 
am  from  Canada  he  can  treat  me  as  a  dog!  He'll 
find  that  "dogs  from  Canada"  have  teeth !  If  I  had 
him  on  a  football  field  with  my  double  grip  around 
that  bull-neck  of  his — I'd  twist  the  life  out  of  him ! 
He  wouldn't  be  anywhere !  (going  up  again  to 


LEONORA.     Oh,  but  he'll  have  a  knife  or  a  pistol. 

MACKINTOSH.  I  don't  care  what  he  has !  Here,  I 
must  have  something  to  write  on.  (rips  off  cuff) 
This  will  do !  He'll  know  I  mean  business  when  he 
sees  this,  (goes  to  table  and  writes,  LEONORA  follows 
over  a  little  and  stands  R.  of  him)  (Seated  R.  of 
table)  (Writing  on  cuff)  "Joseph  Johnson,  Esq.  .  . 
Hereby  challenge  you  .  .  .  fight  to  a  finish  .  ." 

LEONORA.    Oh ! 

MACKINTOSH.  "Satisfaction  of  a  gentleman  .  .  . 
whatever  weapon  you  please  to  name  .  .  .  arrange 
details  .  .  .  with  the  gentleman  who"  (stops  sud- 
denly) Who  can  I  get?  I  must  have  some  friend! 
(turns  to  LEONORA)  Can't  you  think  of  someone? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  99 

LEONORA.    Mr.  ... 

LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH,    (together)    Billings. 

MACKINTOSH.  He'll  act  for  me !  I'm  sure  of  it ! 
(hastily  finishes  letter)  There!  He's  got  to  pay 
some  attention  to  that !  If  he  doesn't  I'll  brand  him 
as  a  coward !  (rises) 

LEONORA.  Oh,  don't  you  brand  him,  Harry !  Let 
Mr.  Billings  do  that  too ! 

MACKINTOSH.  I'm  the  one  to  do  it.  Not  Bil- 
lings! 

LEONORA,  (getting  hold  of  cuff)  I'm  not  going 
to  let  you  do  this! 

MACKINTOSH.    It's  too  late  now ! 

LEONORA,  (trying  to  get  cuff  away  from  him)  No! 
It's  not  too  late. 

MACKINTOSH.    Don't  you  interfere! 

LEONORA.  You  shan't  do  this  until  we've  tried 
everything  else. 

MACKINTOSH.    There's  nothing  else  to  try! 

LEONORA.  Yes,  there  is — perhaps  Mr.  Billings 
can  help  us  some  other  way. 

MACKINTOSH.    What  can  he  do? 

LEONORA.  Oh,  I  don't  know — but  this  Johnson  is 
his  overseer — and  he  has  such  influence.  Oh,  I'm 
sure  he  could  do  something !  Promise  to  see  him 
first—We'll  ask  him— we'll  tell  him  how  it  is,— if 
that  fails,  then  you  may  send  the  challenge.  Promise 
me  this,  Harry!  Promise!  (clinging  to  him) 

MACKINTOSH.  Well — I'll  see  him — but  after 
that 

LEONORA.  After  that  if  there's  no  other  way, 
you  can  send  it! 

MACKINTOSH,  (emphatically)  There  is  no  other 
way. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (entering  quickly  from  door  up 
B.  c.  and  speaking)  They're  coming  back. 


100  TOO  MTJCH  JOHNSON 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (following  MRS.  BILLINGS  on) 
And  Mr.  Johnson  isn't  with  them !  (when  ladies 
enter  LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  turn  and  see  them 
quickly  then  go  over  to  L.  c.  and  watch  scene 
anxiously) 

LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  (with  sudden  hope 
at  hearing  JOHNSON  is  not  with  them)  Oh! 
(LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  instinctively  take  each 
other's  hands  without  knowing  it  or  looking  at  one 
another) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  But  Augustus,  Mama.  Where 
can  he  be?  I'm  afraid  something  has  happened  to 
him. 

ALL.  Why  did  he  want  to  act  as  second  to  that 
dreadful  man?  (under  breaths)  Oh — no — no  (etc.) 

ENTER  DATHIS,  window  up  left,  excitedly,  in  shirt- 
sleeves and  with  foil  in  hand.  He  starts  across 
stage  as  he  enters  as  if  to  go  to  his  room  R. 
Stops  up  c.  when  MRS.  BATTERSON  addresses 


MRS.  BATTERSON.  Mr.  Dathis.  (DATHIS  stops  up 
c.  and  turns.  MRS.  BILLINGS  R.  of  him  a  little  down 
stage.  MRS.  BATTERSON  L.  of  him.  MACKINTOSH 
and  LEONORA  L.)  Tell  us — what 

DATHIS.  (in  a  violent  temper — turns  to  ladies) 
I  have  been  Deceived !  All  was  ready !  I  win  ze  toss 
for  choice  of  arms — I  choose  ze  sword — Ze  rapiers 
were  raised  so—  (gets  into  position  for  duel)  The 
word  to  come!  En  garde,  monsieur!  (strikes  atti- 
tude of  fight)  Your  husband — (to  MRS.  BILLINGS 
as  though  it  were  her  fault)  called  to  desist — He 
would  see  ze  photograph.  We  look.  Zis  man  John- 
son was  not  ze  same.  But  he  said  it  was  nossing.  He 
would  be  ze  same.  I  said  ver  well — eef  you  wish.  En 
garde,  monsieur.  Your  husband,  (to  MRS.  BILLINGS 
again.  She  backs  away  each  time  as  he  points  sword 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  JQ1 

at  her)  zen  ask  zis  man  when  he  was  in  New  York  ze 
last  time.  He  said  not  at  all — at  any  time!  Zhen 
your  husband  said  it  could  not  be  ze  man.  But  zis 
man  Johnson  is  a  liar — yes — for  he  zen  would  make 
eet  out  zat  he  was  in  New  York  at  whatevair  time  we 
please  to  say.  But  zhe  doctor  said  no  he  was  here 
at  zhat  time — zhe  fight  could  not  go  on.  Very  well ! 
It  seems  I  have  come  to  zhis  place  for  nossing. 
(starts  toward  opening  at  B.  1  E.  and  exits) 

MBS.  BATTEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS,  (following 
DATHIS  off  and  expostulating  ad  lib.)  But — Mr. 
Dathis.  Why,  how  could  we  know,  etc.,  etc. 

DATHIS.  (outside.  LEONOBA  and  MACKINTOSH 
stand  silent  looking  after  DATHIS  and  MES.  BATTEB- 
SON  and  MES.  BILLINGS.  Enter  FBEDEEICK  suddenly 
at  L.  1  E.) 

FEEDEBICK.  Here,  I  say  he's  right  here,  (running 
over  to  B.  as  he  enters  and  speaks) 

LEONOBA  and  MACKINTOSH.    Who? 

FBEDEEICK.    Get  to  work  Vll  go  on  awful! 

(MACKINTOSH  hastens  to  opening  L.  LEONOBA  runs 
up  to  dresser  and  gets  dustpan  and  brush  which 
she  has  left  there  during  previous  scene  with 
MACKINTOSH.  Then  hastily  joins  MACKINTOSH 
at  opening  L.  1  E.  FBEDEEICK  follows  her  over 
trying  to  urge  them  off.) 

LEONOBA.  (as  she  goes  over  to  L.)  Isn't  it  a  per- 
fect shame! 

MACKINTOSH.    I  won't  stand  it! 

LEONOBA.  (just  as  they  go  out)  No,  no,  Henry! 
You'll  only  make  it  worse!  (EXIT  LEONOBA  and 
MACKINTOSH  L.) 

FBEDEBICK.  (as  he  goes  off  after  them)  Come ! 
'Urry  now !  'Es  right  'ere !  (EXIT  L.  Short  pause. 
Sound  of  heavy  steps  on  veranda  up  L.  c.) 


102  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(ENTER  JOHNSON  at  window  up  L.  .c.  stalking 
noisily  on,  in  a  blind  sort  of  rage.  ENTER 
BILLINGS,  following  closely  after  JOHNSON  up 
L.  c.  He  goes  at  once  to  packing  case  by  dresser 
up  c.  and  hops  easily  up  sitting  on  it,  pushes  hat 
back  as  if  to  get  more  air,  and  sits  keeping  an 
eye  on  JOHNSON,  who  paces  savagely  and  blindly 
about  the  room.  JOHNSON  strides  about,  fum- 
ing, blaspheming  to  himself — half  aloud,  but 
not  so  that  it  will  be  distinctly  heard)  (BiL- 
LINGS  bus.  of  getting  cigar  ready  to  light) 
(JOHNSON  now  breaks  forth  audibly) 

JOHNSON.  So!  I  ain't  the  man  it  seems!  (over 
B.  c.)  (Looks  angrily  at  BILLINGS,  who  bites  end  of 
cigar)  You  heard  him  say  that ! 

BILLINGS.     That's   right!    That's  what   he   said. 

JOHNSON.  He  looks  at  a  photograph  (which  he 
takes  out  of  his  pocket,  the  same  top  half  DATHIS 
uses)  and  finds  I'm  not  the  man!  Why  didn't  he 
look  at  it  before  ? 

BILLINGS.     Give  it  up ! 

JOHNSON.  I'll  tell  you  this!  Somebody's  been 
playing  me  a  low  down  blackguardly  trick. 

BILLINGS.     Sure. 

JOHNSON,  (violently)  Passing  himself  off  as  me 
—that's  what  he's  been  doing!  And  I'll—  (ENTER 
DATHIS  H.  followed  by  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS. 
BILLINGS  still  trying  to  calm  him) 

DATHIS.  I  prefer  not  to  talk  about  it.  (accent  on 
the  pre.  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  pause 
in  the  doorway,  looking  anxiously  at  DATHIS  and 
JOHNSON.  DATHIS  sees  JOHNSON  and  walks  directly 
towards  him.  Both  men  stand  and  glare  at  each 
other,  down  L.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Oh !    Are  they  going  to  fight  ? 

BILLINGS,  (enjoying  cigar)    Looks  like  it. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Oh  dear !    I  don't  want  to  see  it ! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  1Q3 

BILLINGS.    You  haven't  got  to  stay ! 
MRS.  BATTERSON.     Oh  dear!    Dreadful. 
MRS.  BILLINGS.    Come,  mamma. 
MRS.  BATTERSON.    Yes,  yes!    (MBS.  BATTERSON 
and  MBS.  BILLINGS  hurry  into  their  own  room  up 

B,    C.) 

DATHIS.  Zhe  photograph — which  was  not  you. 
You  will  will  now  be  so  good  to  return  eet  to  me? 

JOHNSON.    Will  I? 

DATHIS.  Zthat  ees  mine !  (crossing  excitedly  over 
to  B.  c.  and  both  speaking  up  to  BILLINGS  on  packing 
case)  You  took  it  from  me — you  hand  eet  to  hem — 
he  now  keeps  it. 

JOHNSON.    Do  you  want  to  fight  me  for  it? 

DATHIS.  (angrily — hissed  out  between  his  teeth) 
Eef  you  should  be  zthe  man  who  betray  me  I  v-would 
fight — whatever  you  should  be !  But  for  nossing  else 
v-would  I  stoop  so  low  to  fight  wisth  zthe  overseer 
of  a  plantation. 

JOHNSON,  (low  savage  tone)    What's  that? 

DATHIS.  An'  eef  zthis  gentleman  should  take  my 
advice,  he  would  no  longer  retain  such  an  eensolent 
canaille  on  hees  place ! 

JOHNSON,  (boiling  with  rage)     Whose  place? 

DATHIS.  Hees  place !  You  can  understand  me — 
no? 

JOHNSON.  What  do  you  mean  ?  What — (chokes) 
This  is  my  place.  Do  ye  hear? 

DATHIS.  (appealing  to  BILLINGS)  He  says  before 
you  zhat  zhis  place  belong  to  him. 

(BILLINGS  regards  DATHIS  calmly  from  his  perch  on 
the  chest  or  table.) 

JOHNSON.  You  crazy  fool — where  do  you  think 
you  are? 

DATHIS.  (violently  going  up  to  BILLINGS)  Is  not 
zhis  plantation  yours? 


104  TO°  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS,  (shaking  head — speaks  as  if  a  matter 
of  course)  No.  (Innocently,  looking  at  DATHIS 
with  quiet  surprise  that  he  should  suggest  such  a 
thing) 

DATHIS.    Eet  is  not !    Eet  is  not ! 

BILLINGS.  Say — what's  the  matter  with  you,  any- 
way. 

(DATHIS  stands  thunderstruck.  JOHNSON  looks  at 
DATHIS  a  moment  with  the  utmost  contempt, 
and  then  begins  half  audible  voice,  almost  too 
excited  to  speak.) 

JOHNSON,  (bus.)  What  the — where  the — oh.  (bus.) 
I'll  let  him  know  whose  place  it  is.  (Staggers  up  to 
window)  This  is  getting  too  devilish  strong  for 
my  blood,  (and  he  strides  off  at  window  in  such  a 
manner  as  to  give  the  impression  that  he  is  not  going 
anywhere  in  particular — but  raving  around  gener- 
ally. DATHIS  stands  motionless  still.  BILLINGS 
calmly  regarding  him  while  he  smokes,  then  reaches 
for  a  magazine  on  dresser  and  reads  it.) 

DATHIS.  (suddenly  coming  to  himself,  glares  at 
BILLINGS)  What  ees  zthis?  (BILLINGS  looks  up 
from  paper  and  regards  DATHIS  pleasantly)  This 
place  belong  to  him !  And  I  have  been  sleeping — un- 
dair  his  roof. 

BILLINGS.  Looks  like  it — if  you  slept,  (reads 
paper) 

DATHIS.  Sacraman  bleu!  (goes  quickly  down  to 
L.  of  table)  This  ees  more  than  I — (turns  and  sees 
ladies  enter) 

(Enter  MES.  BATTERSON — followed  by  MRS.  BILLINGS 
from  their  room,  looking  in  rather  timidly. 
They  see  that  JOHNSON  is  gone,  and  come  on, 
looking  questioningly  at  BILLINGS,  and  uncer- 
tainly at  DATHIS.) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  1Q5 

DATHIS.  (seeing  ladies,  addresses  them  standing 
L.  of  table)  (You  shall  pardon  me — I  ask  you  to  ex- 
plain zhis  thing!  (ladies  stand  startled — retiring 
slightly  before  DATHIS  excited  on  set)  Since  from 
you  I  am  told  the  place  belongs  to  heem!  (pointing 
at  BILLINGS,  who  is  reading) 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS.  Explain — 
I— I  don't 

DATHIS.  (hurrying  excitedly  on)  Zthe  place  is 
not  hees — it  belongs  to  that  fellow  Johnson! 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  (greatly 
surprised)  Belongs  to — why  what  do  you  mean? 

DATHIS.    (excitedly)    Zhat  is  eet!    Zhat  is  eet! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.     Augustus.     Do  you  hear  that  ? 

(MRS.  BILLINGS  is  next  to  BILLINGS  during  scene. 
All  look  toward  BILLINGS.  BILLINGS  is  finish- 
ing a  sentence  and  does  not  look  up.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  He  says — you  don't  own  this 
place. 

(BILLINGS  after  an  instant's  pause  to  finish  article, 
looks  up  and  at  the  others  inquiringly.) 

BILLINGS.     Says  what ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why,  that  this  place  here — this 
whole  place — belongs  to  Mr.  Johnson. 

BILLINGS.  That's  right.  (MRS.  BATTERSON  and 
MRS.  BILLINGS  draw  in  their  breaths  in  surprise 
making  a  gaspy  exclamation) 

BILLINGS.  Sold  it  to  him  last  night.  (BILLINGS 
now  puts  away  paper — sits  calmly  smoking,  and 
pleasantly  regarding  the  others) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.     Sold  it? 

MRS.  BILLINGS.    Sold  it? 

DATHIS.  (excitedly  approaching  BILLINGS)  Eet 
seems  to  me,  sir — I — (stops,  too  indignant  to  speak 
— turns  to  go  off)  I  shall  find  out  who  is  to  blame 
for  zhis!  Whoever  eet  ees— it  will  not  be  well  for 
heem! 


106  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(Exit  near  window.  MRS.  BATTERSON  stands  looking 
at  BILLINGS  in  astonishment  and  indignation.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (to  BILLINGS)  Why,  what  are 
we — are  you  going  to  take  us  home,  Augustus  ? 

BILLINGS.     Take  you  anywhere  you  say. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Mercy!  How  soon  do  we  have 
to  start? 

BILLINGS,   (looks  at  watch)    Half  an  hour. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (going  toward  their  door  up  R.  c.) 
Dear  me — I'll  have  to  pack  up  some — (break)  Come, 
mama — we'll  barely  have  time  to 

(Exit  MRS.  BILLINGS  hurriedly  up  R.  c.  MRS.  BAT- 
TERSON  goes  to  BILLINGS  and  glares  at  him,  in 
silence  an  instant.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  regard  this  as  a  most  singular 
proceeding,  Mr.  Billings. 

BILLINGS.    That's  all  right. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  am  not  so  sure  that  it  is  all 
right!  (marches  off  at  doorway  up  R.  c.  As  she 
goes)  You  seem  to  have  lost  your  senses — that's 
what  I  think  about  it.  (etc.  slams  door  shut  after 
her) 

(Enter  JOHNSON  at  window  up  left.  He  comes 
plunging  into  the  room  as  though  he  had  just 
remembered  something.) 

JOHNSON,  (threatening  to  BILLINGS,  who  is  still 
seated  up  c.)  Here!  You.  Faddish!  (BILLINGS 
gazes  at  JOHNSON  calmly  and  pleasantly)  He  wasn't 
the  only  one !  You  struck  me,  by  Cain !  You  struck 
me  here  before  the  whole  crowd  of  them? 

BILLINGS.  Yes.  You  don't  want  to  forget  that 
either. 

JOHNSON,  (shaking  his  fist  in  BILLINGS'  face) 
Forget  it — look  here  you !  I  don't  care  whose  father 
you  are !  You're  goin'  to  settle  with  me  for  that ! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  1Q7 

BILLINGS.  See  here,  Johnson — if  you  kiss  my  wife 
again  I'll  smack  you  across  the  head  again— don't 
make  any  mistake  about  that ! 

JOHNSON.    What  are  you  talking  about? 

BILLINGS.  Talking  about  smashing  you  across 
the  s — skull — not  very  pleasant — but  have  to  talk 
about  these  things  once  in  a  while  you  know. 

JOHNSON.    Kissed  your  wife ! 

BILLINGS.    That's  what  I  said. 

JOHNSON.    It's  a  cursed  lie! 

BILLINGS.    Lie!    What  do  you  mean? 

JOHNSON.  Who  says  I  kissed  her?  Who  says 
so? 

BILLINGS.     I  say  so. 

JOHNSON.  Well,  I  say  you  don't  know  what 
you're  talking  about,  (taking  stage  R.) 

BILLINGS.    All  right ! 

JOHNSON.    You  ain't  able  to  prove  it! 

BILLINGS.  Think  not?  Who  was  in  the  room  at 
the  time? 

JOHNSON.  They  was  all  in  here — (goes  to  L.  1  E. 
and  calls  off)  Come  in  here  you !  Yes,  you !  Come 
here! 

(Enter  FADDISH,  LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH — with 
work  as  before,  and  with  some  trepidation. 
They  stand  in  line  near  door.) 

JOHNSON,  (roughly)  He  says  I  kissed  his  wife 
here — yesterday,  (looks  at  FADDISH  party.  FADDISH 
party  looks  blankly  at  him)  You  know  well  enough 
it's  a  cursed  lie — it  was  his  daughter  I  kissed! 

FADDISH.  Oh  no — (shakes  head)  You — you — 
(LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  shake  heads) 

JOHNSON.    Well — what ! 

FADDISH.  I'm — I'm  very  sorry,  sir, — but  you — 
you  did ! 


108  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON,  (stops  thunderstruck,  looks  at  LEONORA 
and  MACKINTOSH)    His  wife! 

(JOHNSON  stands  an  instant  glaring  at  FADDISH 
party.  FADDISH  blinking  at  him  meekly, 
LEONORA  looking  at  him  with  hatred  and 
defiance — yet  not  too  pronounced  to  be  natural. 
She  is  timid  at  the  same  time.  MACKINTOSH 
also  looks  with  bitterness  at  JOHNSON,  and 
stands  as  if  almost  ready  to  challenge  him  to 
combat.  JOHNSON  brief  pause.  Suddenly  turns 
up  and  strides  toward  door  up  R.  c.) 

JOHNSON,  (as  he  starts)  Here!  I'll  soon  settle 
this,  (knocks  violently  at  door  up  R.  c.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (from  inside)  Well!  What  do 
you  want? 

JOHNSON.  I  want  you  to  come  out  here !  There's 
something  I  want  to  know!  (FADDISH,  LEONORA 
and  MACKINTOSH  turn  as  if  to  go  off  at  left  door. 
JOHNSON  sees  them  start)  You  wait  here !  (goes 
down  toward  them  quickly — thus  crossing  BILLINGS 
to  L.)  I'll  have  this  settled!  (Enter  MRS.  BATTER- 
SON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS  up  R.  with  some  alarm. 
JOHNSON  turns  and  goes  toward  them — roughly) 
What  I  want  to  know  is  this 

BILLINGS,  (sliding  easily  off  chest  or  table  and 
heading  off  JOHNSON  as  he  starts  from  L.  c.  towards 
ladies  up  R.  c.)  Hold  on,  Johnson.  Now  wait — now 
wait — now  wait — (JOHNSON  stops)  I  think  it's  just 
as  well  after  what's  occurred  for  you  to  discontinue 
addressing  remarks  to  these  ladies,  (after  looking 
at  JOHNSON  an  instant  in  solence,  he  turns  toward 
MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS.)  This  man 
Johnson  claims  to  be  ignorant  of  the  fact  that  he 
attempted  to  kiss  my  wife  in  this  room  yesterday 
afternoon.  Will  you  kindly  state,  to  the  best  of  your 
knowledge  and  belief  whether  he  did  or  did  not. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  109 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.     He  certainly  did! 
MBS.  BILLINGS.    Well  I  should  think  BO  ! 

(JOHNSON  goes  back  of  chair  K.  of  table  for  support.) 

BILLINGS,  (after  pause  for  effect)  Might  be  just 
as  well,  Johnson,  for  you  to  be  a  little  more  careful 
in  the  future,  (a  look  at  him)  You're  not  the  only 
man  on  earth.  (Pause)  No,  not  the  only  one! 
There's  a  few  of  us  left  yet.  (after  a  slight  wither- 
ing and  stony  stare  at  JOHNSON  turns  to  MRS.  BAT- 
TEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS)  Come,  my  dear! 

(Takes  MBS.  BATTEBSON  by  the  arm  and  leads  her 
off  through  door  up  B.  followed  by  MBS.  BIL- 
LINGS, who  sweeps  out  haughtily  with  a  wither- 
ing look  at  JOHNSON.  Pause:  Johnson  stands 
stupefied  gazing  at  door  where  BILLINGS  and  the 
ladies  made  their  exit.  FADDISH  party  remain 
a  moment  looking  at  the  said  door,  and  after 
that  at  JOHNSON.  Soon  JOHNSON  starts  and 
comes  to  himself.  Then  pinches  himself  to  see 
if  he  is  awake  or  dreaming — then  turns  and 
glares  at  FADDISH  party.  FADDISH  immediately 
begins  brushing  hard  at  shoe  in  his  hand. 
JOHNSON  seems  to  form  a  sudden  resolution — 
walks  rapidly  up  c.  and  pours  out  a  glass  of 
brandy  with  trembling  eager  hand)  (FADDISH, 
LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  start  again  as  if  to 
exit  at  left  door.) 

JOHNSON,  (just  raising  glass  to  drink — or  just  in 
act  of  drinking.  Stops)  Wait!  (FADDISHES  stop) 
(JOHNSON  finishes  drink,  walks  about  a  little  in 
silence,  then  comes  down  to  FADDISH  party) 

JOHNSON.    Was  I  full  yesterday? 

FADDISH.    I  really  don't  know,  sir. 


HO  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON.  Well,  what  do  you  know?  (to  FAD- 
DISH) See  here !  If  ever  you  see  me  try  to  kiss  that 
old  woman  again,  run  a  fork  into  me!  Anything! 
(strides  across  to  R.  and  up  stage — a  pause — then  goes 
down  to  them,  indicating  in  a  rough  way — by  glances 
at  door  up  R.  u.  that  he  is  going  to  speak  confi- 
dentially) Here!  I  want  to  ask  you  something! 
(motioning  to  chairs)  Seddown! 

FADDISH,  (quite  encouraged — smiling  and  simper- 
ing) Yes — thank  you.  (motioning  LEONORA  to 
seat)  (To  LEONORA)  Ha,  ha!  He  asks  us  to  sit 
down! 

(FADDISH  takes  chair  R.  of  table  and  goes  c.  with  it. 
LEONORA  does  the  same  with  chair  L.  of  table. 
MACKINTOSH  brings  stool  from  corner  L.  1  E. 
They  all  sit  in  line  c.  JOHNSON  has  got  chair 
from  near  head  of  lounge.  Suddenly  turns  on 
chair  and  sees  FADDISHES  seated  by  him.  LEO- 
NORA sits  in  the  middle,  FADDISH  next  to  JOHN- 
BON) 

JOHNSON.  Now.  Of  course  you  can  tell  me 
about  these  Faddishes ! 

FADDISH    About — about (stop  dumbfounded) 

JOHNSON,  (roughly)  You  belong  to  the  family, 
don't  you? 

FADDISH.    But,  sir — I — you 

JOHNSON.  Now  what  you  want  to  do  is  to  give 
it  to  me  straight!  I'll  make  it  worth  your  while  I 
(FADDISH,  LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  simply  look 
astonished) 

FADDISH.  I — ha — ha —  (simper)  er —  What  did 
you  want  to  know  about  us? 

JOHNSON,  (looking  around  to  see  he  is  not  over- 
heard) IB  the  family  all  right?  That's  what  I  want 
to  know! 

FADDISH.    All  right! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  m 

LEONORA.    Well,  I  declare ! 

JOHNSON.  There's  something  queer!  Curse  me 
if  I  can  make  it  out. 

FADDISH.     Queer,  sir? 

JOHNSON.  Yes,  queer !  Any  fool  can  see  that ! 
If  the  family's  alright  I  marry  the  girl!  If  it 
ain't 

FADDISH,  (grasping  his  hand  and  shaking  it)  Oh 
my  dear  sir —  (FADDISH  continues,  shaking  JOHN- 
SON'S hand  vigorously  during  speech  and  showing 
his  delight.  JOHNSON  looks  at  him  thoroughly 
bored)  I'm  so  greatly  relieved  to  hear  you  allude 
to  the — er — marriage.  I  began  to  think  there  might 
be  some  mistake 

JOHNSON,  (pulling  away)    That's  enough ! 

FADDISH.  As  the  family — since  you  ask  me,  I  feel 
at  liberty  to  assure  you  that  it  is  one  of  the  first  in 
the  whole  Province  of  Quebec— one  of  the  first,  sir. 

JOHNSON.    It  is,  eh? 

FADDISH.  Oh,  there  can't  be  any  doubt  about  it, 
sir! 

JOHNSON.     Ugh !  What  about  the  girl,  eh  ? 

FADDISH.    What  about — what  about 

LEONORA.     Well,  upon  my  word. 

JOHNSON.  What's  the  matter  with  ye.  Crazy 
loons ! ! 

FADDISH.  Of  course  I — well  if  you —  (taking 
JOHNSON  down  stage)  My  dear  sir,  it  gives  me 
great  pleasure  to  assure  you  that  she  is  a  perfect 
treasure,  sir !  A  perfect  treasure ! 

JOHNSON.     Oh,  you  think  so,  do  you? 

FADDISH.  I'm  sure  of  it.  And  certainly  I  ought 
to  know  if  anyone ! 

JOHNSON.    You  know  her  pretty  well,  do  you  ? 

FADDISH.    Know  her — well,  I  hope  so. 

JOHNSON.  D — d.  I  don't  care  what  you  hope! 
Do  you? 


112  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

FADDISH.     E— yes,  sir.    I  do! 

JOHNSON.  Well,  what's  the  use  of  all  this  beating 
about  the  bush —  (JOHNSON  pushes  FADDISH  on 
one  side  and  goes  up)  You  can  say  what  you  think 
I  suppose.  I'm  going  to  pay  you  for  it.  (coming 
down  near  LEONORA  )v  Now  about  Faddish  himself 
— isn't  he  a  little  off,  eh!  (sits  next  to  LEONORA 
and  addresses  her)  There's  something  devilish 
strange  about  him ! ! 

(LEONORA  rises  and  moves  away  from  JOHNSON  to 
L.  MACKINTOSH  comes  next  to  JOHNSON,  who 
has  also  risen) 

JOHNSON.  How  is  it.  (LEONORA  rises  and  trips 
away)  Oh,  you  needn't  be  afraid,  I  ain't  going  to 
let  that  stand  in  the  way — I  can  get  rid  of  him  easy 
enough,  (turns  sharply  round  to  FADDISH,  who 
stands  R.)  Come,  speak  up.  What  about  Faddish, 
eh? 

(FADDISH  gives  a  somewhat  helpless  glance  toward 
LEONORA,  looks  at  JOHNSON.  Makes  an  at- 
tempt to  speak.  Finally  gets  out  a  few  words) 

FADDISH.    If  you — if  you  insist,  sir,  I 

JOHNSON,  (suspicions  aroused  by  FADDISH'S  hesi- 
tation) What's  the  matter  with  ye?  Is  there  some- 
thing wrong? 

FADDISH,  (hastily)    Oh  no!  no  indeed,  sir! 

JOHNSON.     Sure  he's  all  straight,  are  ye  ? 

FADDISH.     Oh  yes — perfectly  so,  sir !  Believe  me ! 

JOHNSON.    Very  well  then !    I'll  marry  the  girl. 

FADDISH,  (embracing  JOHNSON)  Oh,  my  dear 
sir,  I 

JOHNSON,  (throwing  him  off)  What's  the  matter 
with  ye.  Clear  out !  All  of  ye !  (motioning  them 
all  toward  door  left)  I've  got  to  square  it  with  him 
— we've  been  having  a  kind  of  a  row.  (taking  chair 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  H3 

to  head  of  sofa.  Starts  up  toward  door  up  K.  o. 
Stops  and  turns)  Don't  you  hear  mel  Get  out  of 
this!  Go  to  work! 

FADDISH,  (doubtfully)  How — how  very  strange 
it  all  is.  Come,  my  child.  (FADDISH,  LEONOBA 
and  MACKINTOSH  go  toward  door  left) 

LEONORA.    Oh — I  can't  marry  that  awful  creature ! 

MACKINTOSH.    You  shan't  marry  her! 

LEONORA,  (bus.)    Oh,  Harry! 

JOHNSON.  Here!  (JOHNSON  suddenly  looks 
round,  FADDISH,  LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  exit  L. 
1  E.  with  start,  and  all  bumping  up  against  each 
other.  After  exit  of  FADDISHES,  JOHNSON  looks  after 
them  a  moment!  Then  he  looks  toward  door  up  R.  c. 
Then  turns  and  takes  another  drink,  pouring  out 
brandy  feverishly.  Then  he  goes  to  door  up  R.  c. 
about  to  knock  loudly,  sv,ddenly  pauses,  and  decides 
to  knock  very  softly,  which  he  does  three  times, 
waiting  for  answer  each  time,  and  each  time  knock- 
ing a  little  louder  than  before.  BILLINGS  opens 
door  of  room  up  R.  c.  and  stands  motionless,  calmly 
waiting  for  JOHNSON  to  speak.  JOHNSON  doesn't 
seem  to  know  how  to  begin)  Come  out  here  a  min- 
ute, can't  ye? 

(JOHNSON  goes  down  L.  c.  as  if  wishing  BILLINGS 
to  follow.  BILLINGS — after  short  pause,  enters, 
closes  door  and  goes  down  to  R.  of  JOHNSON. 
There  is  an  air  of  nonchalant  coldness  about 
him.  JOHNSON  stares  and  they  stand  regard- 
ing one  another) 

JOHNSON,  (huskily.  Blurts  it  out  stammeringly) 
Say!  I'd  just  as  soon  apologize  for ( BIL- 
LINGS stops  JOHNSON  with  gesture  and  shake  of 
head) 


114  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  If  you — wish  to  do  us  a  favor,  Mr. 
Johnson,  be  so  kind  as  to  furnish  us  a  conveyance  to 
the  wharf.  If  this  is  asking  too  much,  we  can  walk. 

JOHNSON.    You  mean  the  thing  is  off? 

BILLINGS,  (stony  look  at  JOHNSON  before  answer-, 
ing)  That  was  the  impression  I  intended  to  convey ! 

JOHNSON,  (suddenly  forces  shaking  fist  at  BIL- 
LINGS) No,  sir!  She  don't  leave  this  place!  (BIL- 
LINGS looks  at  him) 

BILLINGS.    Think  so,  eh? 

JOHNSON.  You  try  it  and  gee  what  I  think !  It's 
all  arranged  and  agreed,  and  I'm  goin'  ter  hold  ye  to 
it!  You  may  go  away  from  here — but  she  don't — 
can  make  up  your  mind  to  that !  See  here  now !  I 
apologize ! 

BILLINGS,  (turning  away  to  B.  and  walking  B.  c. 
as  if  angry)  Oh — apologize!  (stands  B.  c. — cigar 
in  right  hand) 

JOHNSON.  If  you  and  your  old  woman  want  to 
go  you  can — but  she  don't !  (a  new  idea)  Here ! 
That  steamer  ain't  sailing  for  three  quarters  of  an 
hour! — I've  got  a  team  o'  bays  '11  get  you  there  in 
fifteen  minutes — gives  us  half  an  hour  for  the  mar- 
riage— that's  all  the  time  we  want — and  then  you 
can  go!  Now  what  do  you  say? 

(BILLINGS  turns,  looks  at  JOHNSON  an  instant.) 

BILLINGS.    Fast  team  you  say? 

JOHNSON.     Beats  anything  this  end  o'  the  island ! 

BILLINGS.     Get  us  there  in  fifteen  minutes? 

JOHNSON.    Easy ! 

BILLINGS,   (grasping  JOHNSON'S  hand)    It  goes! 

JOHNSON.  Good !  We  won't  waste  a  minute ! 
Notary — he's  here  now — waiting.  (JOHNSON  hurries 
to  door  at  left — shouts  off  at  door  L.  1  E.)  Send  in 
that  notary  will  ye?  Here!  Looton!  Come  in  here! 
Blodgett — you  git  us  a  table! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  115 

(JOHNSON  from  now  on  to  end  of  piece  must  be 
played  very  rapidly) 

(Enter  FADDISH  at  L.) 

FADDISH.     My  name  sir,  is  not 

JOHNSON.  No  matter  what  it  is — you  bring  us  a 
table,  do  ye  hear?  (FADDISH  goes  for  table  on  stage 
L.)  This  is  for  the  marriage. 

(Enter  MB.  S.  LOOTON,  a  Notary  and  Justice,  at 
L.  1  E.  He  brings  papers,  etc.,  for  signing  of 
contract) 

JOHNSON.  Here,  Looton!  (meeting  him)  We've 
got  to  do  the  thing  up  lively,  so  he  can  ketch  the 
steamer  out  this  morning. 

LOOTON.  (hoarse  croak)    Yes!   Yes! 

(FADDISH  brings  table  centre.  Arrange  to  have  no 
wait  for  table — everything  hurried.  BILLINGS 
stands  coolly  regarding  the  preparations.) 

JOHNSON,  (hurrying  over  to  FADDISH  so  that  he 
nearly  joins  his  speeches)  Now  take  that  bell  yon 
see  over  there,  and  go  outside  and  ring  it!  (point- 
ing to  large  dinner  bell  on  dresser  up  c.  LOOTON 
puts  contract  on  table)  Ring  it!  You  understand!! 
(loud  yell) 
(FADDISH  gets  bell  and  exits  at  window  ringing  it) 

LOOTON.    Where  your  man  leave  my  "bolsa"? 

JOHNSON.  How  do  I  know?  You  go  and  ask 
him.  Here.  Where  did  you  put  that  contract? 

LOOTON.  (pointing)  Contract  there  on  table. 
(LOOTON  exits  L.  1  E.) 

BILLINGS.    What's  that  bell  for? 

JOHNSON,  (coming  down  to  him  R.  c.)  Thafs 
to  call  in  the  hands. 

BILLINGS.    Was  it  a  mis-deal? 


Hfl  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON,  (expostulating  at  the  joke)  Here  I 
say !  Come  now !  That's  to  call  the  niggers  in. 

BILLINGS.  Do  you  mean  to  say  you're  going  to 
have  the  niggers  in  here  ? 

JOHNSON.  Certainly!  They  can  sing  and  I'm 
going  to  have  some  music.  Now  look  hero  I'll  go  and 
see  to  that  team.  Don't  you  worry — we'll  get  you 
there!  (pointing  to  contract  on  table)  Just  cast 
your  eye  over  that  contract — if  it  ain't  right,  by 
Cain,  we'll  make  it  right !  (shaking  BILLINGS  by 
the  hand)  That's  the  kind  of  a  man  I  am!  (and 
hurried  exit  at  window) 

BILLINGS,  (after  JOHNSON'S  exit  coming  down  to 
table  c.)  Oh  well,  if  he  gets  me  a  lively  team,  that's 
all  I  want!  (takes  up  contract  and  reads)  "Mar- 
riage settlement — Joseph  Hadbury  Johnson  and  Leo- 
nora Aliza  Faddish."  (BILLINGS  sits  on  table)  This 
must  be  the  marriage  contract. 

(Mfis.  BILLINGS  comes  on  from  door  up  R.  crosses. 
Looks  anxiously  to  see  that  BILLINGS  is  alone, 
then  comes  down  to  B.  of  him  of  table.) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Augustus!  Ah!  I'm  so  glad  to 
have  a  chance  to  speak  to  you  alone,  dear.  It  seems 
as  if  there's  always  something  in  the  way — and  there 
are  so  many  .  .  .  and  such  trouble  .  .  .  Ah,  I  don't 
know (anxiously  looking  about) 

BILLINGS.  I'm  almost  afraid  you're  not  enjoying 
this  trip. 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Enjoying  it!  Mercy!  I  should 
say  not !  What  that  man  going  on  the  way  he  does — 
and  the  duels — and  your  trouble  with  him — and  Oh, 
I'm  so  glad  you've  sold  out  and  we  can  go  home. 
Mama  says  she  thinks  there's  something  peculiar 
about  it,  but  I  don't  care  if  I  can  only  get  you  away 
where  he  can't  do  you  any  harm! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  H? 

BILLINGS.  Say!  You  needn't  worry  about  me. 
I'm  all  right ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  But  I  can't  help  it,  dear.  Why, 
the  man's  simply  a  savage  beast.  How  do  I  know 
what  he  might  do  to  you !  (BILLINGS  puts  down 
cigar  and  looks  at  MRS.  BILLINGS  an  instant  then 
takes  her  hand) 

BILLINGS.  Say!  That  was  a  pretty  solid  thing 
you  did  yesterday !  By  Jove ! 

MBS.  BILLINGS.     Why,  what  do  you  mean  ? 

BILLINGS.  When  you  jumped  in  between  Johnson 
and  me, — that  time  he  was  pulling  a  gun  on  me. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  But,  Augustus,  the  man  was 
going  to  shoot  him !  (Plaintive  MUSIC  begins) 

BILLINGS.  That's  what  I  mean!  (BILLINGS  looks 
down  at  her  hand) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why,  that  was  nothing,  he 
wouldn't  have  dared  to  shoot  me.  (pause)  But  if 
I  knew  he  would,  don't  you  suppose  I'd  do  it  just  the 
same,  (pause)  You  know  I  would!! 

BILLINGS.     That's  right,   (kisses  her  hand) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Why,  what  are  you  kissing  my 
hand  for,  dear? 

BILLINGS,  (after  a  moment's  pause  and  looking 
at  her)  Ah  well!  Guess  we'd  better  leave  it  that 
way  just  now. 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  How  strange  you  do  act  lately! 
Sometimes  I'm  almost  afraid  you  don't  care  for  me 
any  more.  You  do,  don't  you,  dear? 

BILLINGS,  (after  a  pause)  Well,  what  do  you 
think? 

(LooTON  enters  hurriedly.    MUSIC  stops.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (seeing  him)  What  is  that  man 
here  for? 

BILLINGS.    Little  matter  of  business  that's  all ! 


118  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(Enter  MBS.  BATTEBSON  from  door  up  B.  c.  bringing 
on  shawl.) 

MBS.  BATTERSON.  (coining  down)  Mrs.  Billings! 
I  want  you  to  put  this  in  your  trunk.  There  isn't 
room  in (stops  on  seeing  LOOTON) 

LOOTON.  (L.  c.)  Ah!  parties  to  contract?  Parties, 
eh? 

MRS.  BATTEBSON.     Contract! 

LOOTON.  Oh,  yes —  (sitting  L.  of  table  and  tak- 
ing up  contract)  You  sign  contract  now! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  What  contract  are  we  going  to 
sign,  pray? 

BILLINGS.  What  do  you  suppose  ?  Sold  the  place, 
got  to  sign  the  deed,  you  know. 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  Oh,  thafs  it!  (going  up) 
Come,  dear,  help  me  put  this  in  your  trunk. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (at  door  up  R.  c.  to  BILLINGS,  who 
has  followed  them  up)  Tell  us  when  it's  time  to  go, 
Augustus ! 

BILLINGS.    I'll  look  out  for  that ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  And  do  be  careful  when  you're 
with  that  man ! 

(  BILLINGS  closes  door.    Enter  LEONORA  and  MACK- 
INTOSH from  L.  1  E.) 

LEONORA,  (seeing  BILLINGS)    There  he  is! 

MACKINTOSH.  I'd  like  to  speak  to  you  a  moment, 
Mr.  Billings. 

BILLINGS,  (coming  down  to  them  L.)  That's  all 
right! 

LEONORA.  I've  got  to  be  married  to  that  dreadful 
creature — and  I'd  rather  die ! 

MACKINTOSH.  What  I  want  to  know  is — whether 
you  can  help  us  or  not — that's  all ! 

BILLINGS.  Like  to,  of  course,  but  I've  got  about 
all  I  can  carry  just  now. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  H9 

MACKINTOSH.    Then  I'll  send  him  the  challenge ! 

LEONORA.    No!   No! 

MACKINTOSH.    It's  the  only  thing  left  to  do ! 

BILLINGS.  Not  at  all!  You  just  keep  quiet! 
Let  the  thing  go  on — don't  say  a  word — dare  say 
I'll  hit  on  something! 

LEONORA.    Will  you !    Oh,  you're  so  good ! 

MACKINTOSH.  Do  you  think  there's  any  way  out 
of  it? 

BILLINGS.  There's  a  way  out  of  everything — all 
you've  got  to  do  is  to  strike  it! 

MACKINTOSH.  We  owe  you  a  debt  of  gratitude, 
sir.  (shaking  BILLINGS'  hand) 

BILLINGS.  That's  all  right!  (send  them  off 
L.  1  E.) 

(At  their  exit  JOHNSON  pushes  FADDISH  across  win- 
dow ringing  bell — then  comes  quickly  down  to 
BILLINGS.) 

JOHNSON.     Team's  out  there  now — ready  for  you. 

BILLINGS.  Out  there?  Out  by  the  door?  That 
lively  one  you  spoke  of? 

JOHNSON.    Yes ! 

BILLINGS.  Say !  Can't  your  man  take  our  trunks 
out  by  the  window  ?  The  team  is  right  there ! 

JOHNSON,  (starting  toward  L.  1  E.)  Yes!  I'll 
speak  to  one  of  the  men  about  it.  I'll  see  Fred. 
(as  he  goes  off)  Here  you!  Fred!  Come  here, 
etc.,  etc.  (exit  L.  1.  E.  As  JOHNSON  goes  off  negroes 
appear  across  window) 

BILLINGS,  (seeing  negroes)  Here,  come  here! 
(they  come  down  to  him)  Did  you  hear  that  bell? 

NEGROES.    Yes,  sah — yes,  sah! 

BILLINGS.    Well,  there's  a  cyclone  coming. 

NEGROES.    Cyclone,  sah!! 


120  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  Yes,  Mr.  Johnson  says  so.  He's  out 
there  working  on  it  now.  (negroes  all  look  paralyzed) 
Now  look  here.  When  you  hear  that  bell,  run  away, 
drive  all  the  horses  out  of  the  barn  as  quick  as  you 
can  and  don't  stop  for  anything. 

NEGROES.'  (rush  off  at  window)  Yes,  sah,  yes, 
sah !  (as  negroes  go  off  JOHNSON  re-enters  hur- 
riedly from  L.  1  E.) 

JOHNSON,  (to  LOOTON)    Is  the  papers  all  fixed? 

(JOHNSON  picks  up  contracts  and  looks  at  them; 

MRS.   BATTERSON  and  MRS.   BILLINGS   enter  from 

their  room.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (as  she  enters)    What  did  that 
bell  mean? 
MRS.  BILLINGS.    Yes. 

(BILLINGS  seeing  ladies  goes  toward  them.) 

JOHNSON,  (to  ladies  and  speaking  very  quickly 
all  through  following  scene)  That's  to  call  in  the 
niggers,  ma'am — they  can  sing  and  I'm  going  to  have 
music ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Music? 

JOHNSON.  Yes,  ma'am.  Sit  down,  (to  ladies. 
Going  over  to  L.  1.  E.)  Here,  you,  come  in  here! 
Stir  around  and  fetch  us  up  some  chairs.  (JOHN- 
SON gets  chair  from  under  bookshelf.  LEONORA  en- 
ters first,  then  MACKINTOSH,  bringing  on  chair. 
FADDISH  enters  from  window  with  bell,  which  he 
places  on  dresser  up  c.)  Where's  them  niggers? 

(BILLINGS  gets  chair  for  MRS.  BILLINGS  from  behind 
lounge.     MRS.  BATTERSON  sits  on  lounge) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Why  does  the  man  want  music 
performed  during  a  real-estate  transaction? 
BILLINGS.    Way  they  do  in  Cuba. 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  121 

FADDISH.  Ah,  hern,  yes — I  suppose  we  shall  sit 
on  this  side. 

(FADDISH  sits  L.  above  LEONORA  on  chair  which 
MACKINTOSH  has  put.  LEONORA  sits  next  to 
FADDISH.  JOHNSON  has  seated  himself  before 
this  at  table  c.  facing  the  audience.  MRS.  BAT- 
TERSON  on  lounge.  MRS.  BILLINGS  on  chair 
near  lounge.  BILLINGS  stands  near  MRS.  BIL- 
LINGS.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (indicating  FADDISH  party  on 
L.)  Why  do  those  people  remain  in  the  room? 

BILLINGS.  Have  to  have  a  witness  to  a  deed,  don't 
we? 

JOHNSON,  (to  LOOTON)    Go  on  with  it!    Go  on! 

LOOTON.  Hem?  (clears  throat — and  reads)  By 
these  presents  I  hereby  certify  and  declare,  that 
there  are  come  before  me  this  day,  one  Joseph  Had- 
bury  Johnson  of  Santiago  de  Cuba — and 

BILLINGS.  Say!  We  know  the  parties.  Don't 
waste  time  on  that. 

JOHNSON.  Yes !  Ha !  Ha !  We  know  the  parties ! 
Bead  what  they  get,  Looton! 

LOOTON.  (reading)  And  the  said  Johnson  on 
his  part,  gives  and  makes  over  in  fee  simple  uncon- 
ditionally, the  sum  of  "Benticincho  mil  pessoo" — 
twenty-five  thousand  dollars  in  gold. 

FADDISH,  (springing  to  his  feet  and  coming  down 
and  seizing  JOHNSON'S  hand)  Oh,  my  friend,  how 
generous  of  you — how _ 

JOHNSON,  (throwing  him  off)  Here,  that'll  do! 
Do  you  see  that  bell  over  there!  Well,  go  outside 
and  ring  it,  do  you  hear? 

(JOHNSON  pushes  him  up  stage  to  bell.    FADDISH 
goes  off  at  window  ringing  bell.) 


BILLINGS.    There  goes  my  cyclone! 


122  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

JOHNSON,  (at  table  again  turning  to  MRS.  BAT- 
TERSON  standing  at  table)  Twenty-five  thousand 
dollars ! !  in  gold 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  I  wish  to  know,  sir,  if  you  con- 
sider that  a  fair  price? 

JOHNSON.  Fair  price!  Fair  pr (to  BILLINGS) 

She  must  be 

BILLINGS,  (breaking  in  on  him)  Yes,  that's  just 
what  she  is,  old  man,  but  don't  stop  for  it  now  or 
we'll  never  get  through,  (hustles  JOHNSON  down  to 
table  again) 

JOHNSON,   (to  LOOTON)     Go  on! 

LOOTON.  (reading)  "In  addition  to  the  above  the 
said  Johnson  agrees  as  a  mark  of  his  respect  and 
veneration,  to  give  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Faddish,  the  par- 
ents of  his  bride,  a  yearly  allowance  of  fifty  bags  of 
'caracaleo'  coffee  as  long  as  they  may  live." 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  What  on  earth  has  that  Fad- 
dish coffee  got  to  do  with 

BILLINGS,  (breaking  in)  Doesn't  do  you  any  harm, 
does  it? 

JOHNSON.  What  do  you  think  of  that  last  clause, 
eh? 

(FADDISH  re-enters  from  window,  puts  bell  down  on 
dresser,  and  comes  down  to  MACKINTOSH  and 
LEONORA,  during  following  speeches  BILLINGS 
comes  over  to  them,  they  group  around  him 
talking.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    I'm  sure  it's  nothing  to  me! 

JOHNSON.    Nothing  to — nothing  to (aghast) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  What  do  I  care  what  I  do  with 
your  coffee  ? 

JOHNSON,  (astonished  and  indignant)  You — you 
— fifty  bags  of — fifty  b—  (loud  voice)  Do  you  want 
the  earth? 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  123 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  No!  And  I  don't  want  any- 
thing about  annual  allowances  of  coffee  stuck  in  our 
contract,  either.  I  simply  want  the  money  due — 
that's  all ! 

JOHNSON.    Oh!    That's  all,  is  it? 

MBS.  BATTEBSON.  That's  all,  sir !  And  the  sooner 
it's  done  the  better. 

JOHNSON,  (violently)  I  think  so  too —  (hur- 
riedly to  LOOTON)  Cross  out  that  coffee!!  (after 
crossing  out  coffee — seizes  contract  from  table  and 
shakes  it  at  MBS.  BATTEBSOX.  Rising  in  chair) 
There  it  is ! ! !  Just  money,  that's  all ! ! ! 

BILLINGS.  Say!  what's  all  this,  Johnson?  ( BIL- 
LINGS has  been  standing  talking  to  FADDISH  party) 
Here's  this  man  Blodgett  talking  about  some  scheme 
on  hand  for  you  to  marry  his  daughter ! 

(MBS.  BATTEBSON,  MBS.  BILLINGS,  JOHNSON,  bus. 
of  looking  in  surprise,  etc.) 

JOHNSON.    About  what?    What's  that? 

BILLINGS,  (turning  to  FADDISH)  That's  what 
you  say,  isn't  it? 

FADDISH.    Dear  me,  but  my  name  isn't 

BILLINGS,  (quickly)  No  matter  what  your  name 
is — that's  what  you  say. 

FADDISH,  (going  down  to  JOHNSON  at  table)  Why, 
dear  me,  yes.  Wasn't  it  understood,  sir,  that — e — 
that  you 

JOHNSON,  (scarcely  able  to  speak  coherently) 
Marry  her! 

FADDISH.  Why,  dear  me,  sir — I  thought  it  was 
all 

JOHNSON,  (throws  FADDISH  of)  It's  a  cursed 

lie!  It's — it's (sends  FADDISH  away  from  him. 

FADDISH  goes  up  c,) 


124  "OO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

BILLINGS.  And  here's  this  young  man  says  he's 
in  love  with  the  girl  himself,  (looks  at  MACKIN- 
TOSH) Am  I  correct  in  this? 

MACKINTOSH.    Yes,  sir,  you  are ! 

LEONOKA.     Oh,  yes!    He  is! 

JOHNSON.  He!  That — in  love  with  her.  (MACK- 
INTOSH and  LEONORA  nod  emphatically)  Well, 
take  her  and  clear  out.  That's  all  I  ask.  (FADDISH 
stands  aghast) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Well,  I  declare. 

JOHNSON.  Get  her  out  of  here,  (to  FADDISH,  who 
goes  down  to  him  to  expostulate.  Throwing  FAD- 
DISH off)  And  you  along  with  her — I've  had  enough 
of  the  whole  Blodgett  crowd,  (turns  to  papers,  etc., 
angrily) 

BILLINGS,  (quick  aside  to  MACKINTOSH  and  LEO- 
NORA at  window)  That's  all  right.  All  you've  got 
to  do  is  to  light  out. 

LEONORA,    (quickly)    Yes,  yes. 

MACKINTOSH,     (quickly)     Where  shall  we  go? 

BILLINGS.  Go — why  just — here — there's  a  team 
o'  bays  at  that  door.  It's  the  only  one  left  on  the 
place.  Jump  on  the  cart,  sit  on  a  trunk  and  wait 
for  me. 

(Pushes  LEONORA  and  MACKINTOSH  through  win- 
dow. Turns  toward  others  carelessly.  Saunters 
over  to  MRS.  BATTERSON.) 

FADDISH,  (going  down  again  to  JOHNSON)  My 
dear  sir!  There  must  be  some 

JOHNSON,  (pushing  him  along)     Clear  out. 

FADDISH.  But — wait!  Stop  them.  (hurries 
toward  window  up  L.  and  calls  off.  Going  out  at 
window  up  L.)  I'll  call  them  back!  There's  some 
mistake — don't  let  them  go.  (exit  FADDISH  at  win- 
dow up  L.) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  125 

JOHNSON.  Come.  Where's  those  papers?  Here! 
(takes  pen  and  writes  with  a  flourish)  There's  mine. 
(coming  L.  of  table  down  a  little) 

BILLINGS,  (picking  up  contract  and  glancing  at 
it)  Of  course — that's  yours,  isn't  it? 

(Enter  FREDERICK  hurriedly  at  L.  1  E.) 

FREDERICK.  'Ere's  a  packet  for  you  just  came  in 
by  the  steamer,  sir.  (gives  package  to  JOHNSON  and 
exits  again  L.  1  E.) 

JOHNSON.  Ugh!  (takes  package  at  once  and  be- 
gins to  tear  it  open.  Turning  impatiently  toward 
the  ladies  as  he  tears  open  the  package)  If  she's 
going  to  sign  the  thing,  why  don't  she  do  it  ? 

BILLINGS.  Don't  get  excited,  old  man,  plenty  of 
time,  (brings  MRS.  BILLINGS  down  to  table)  Here 
you  are. 

(Bus.  of  jamming  pen  into  MRS.  BILLINGS'  hand. 
MRS.  BILLINGS  astonished  at  all  this,  MRS.  BAT- 

TERSON  a/50.) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (rising)  Is  she  going  to  sign 
that  thing? 

BILLINGS,  (to  MRS.  BATTERSON)  Of  course,  wife 
always  signs — in  Cuba. 

(Pizzicato  MUSIC  begins.    BILLINGS  getting  ready 
for  the  move  up  stage.) 

JOHNSON,  (suddenly,  in  low,  ominous  tone)  What's 
all  this? 

(BILLINGS  looks  calmly  at  JOHNSON.    Ladies  start 
and  also  look  at  JOHNSON.  Slight  pause.  JOHN- 
SON fiercely  clutching  and  clawing  over  letters. 
Others  watching.) 
JOHNSON,  (breaking  out  again)    Ha!  Who's  this 

returns  my  letters? 


126  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(LooTON  gets  quickly  from  chair  L.  of  table  to  chair 
back  of  table.  BILLINGS  gives  a  quick  side  look 
over  JOHNSON'S  shoulder,  then  with  adroit 
movement  almost  on  JOHNSON'S  speech,  whisks 
MBS.  BILLINGS  and  MBS.  BATTEBSON,  who  are 
both  standing  at  the  time,  up  stage  away  from 
JOHNSON'S  vicinity.  Make  this  and  the  look  at 
letters  almost  one  movement — yet  not  hurried.) 

BILLINGS.  Don't  stand  too  near,  (as  he  swings 
MBS.  BILLINGS  and  MBS.  BATTEBSON  up) 

MBS.  BILLINGS.    What's  the  matter? 

BILLINGS.     Been  drinking,  that's  all. 

JOHNSON,  (coming  to  table,  sits  L.  of  table.  Read- 
ing a  letter)  Clairette!  Clairette! — returns  my  let- 
ters, does  she? 

BILLINGS.  My  letters  to  Clairette!  Signed, 
"Johnson."  (to  ladies)  Better  get  your  things — 
we  want  to  go  in  a  minute. 

(Bringing  MBS.  BATTEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS 
quickly  to  door  of  their  room  up  B.  Gets  MBS. 
BATTEBSON  and  MBS.  BILLINGS  off  at  door  B., 
quietly  closes  and  locks  it — and  turns  toward 
JOHNSON,  putting  key  in  his  pocket.) 

JOHNSON,  (bringing  his  fist  down  on  table  on  word 
"kill")  I'll  kill  the  hound  who  played  this  game  on 
me !  (LooTON  jumps  up  on  the  word  "kill" — gathers 
up  his  papers  quickly  and  goes  off  at  door  B.  1  E.  in 
terror)  Some  woman  returns  my  letters,  does  she? 
(reads)  "I  send  you  the  other  piece  of  your  photo- 
graph— my  husband  has  the  rest."  (flusters  through 
letters)  Other  piece !  Where's  that  other  piece,  (pho- 
tograph drops  to  floor  from  letters.  JOHNSON  seizes 
it.  After  a  glance  at  the  piece  of  photograph)  Here ! 
This  is  the  rest  of  that  other  one.  (rising  and  feel- 
ing in  his  pockets.  BILLINGS  has  walked  quietly  to 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  127 

window  up  left  and  off — partly  out  of  sight,  but  as  if 
lingering  near.  JOHNSON  pulls  out  the  portion  of 
photograph  used  by  DATHIS  during  ACTS  1  and  2 
and  with  shaking  hands  holds  the  two  pieces  to- 
gether) 

JOHNSON,  (a  hoarse,  savage  yell)  Ha !  (  he  turns 
suddenly  and  strides  up  to  door  up  R.  at  once  pound- 
ing violently  upon  it)  Here!  You!! 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  (outside  up 
R.  Calling  in  high  voices  together)  What  is  it? 
What  do  you  want?  (JOHNSON  tries  to  open  door) 

JOHNSON,  (pounding  again)    Open  this  door. 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  (outside  up 
R.,  after  quickly  trying  to  open  the  door)  We  can't 
—it's  locked. 

JOHNSON.  If  you  don't  open  it,  I  will.  (JOHN- 
SON breaks  in  door  and  rushes  into  room,  ladies  rush 
out  screaming) 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Who  do  you  want? 

JOHNSON,  (appearing  in  doorway)  Faddish!  an' 
I'll  git  'im  too. 

MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS.  BILLINGS,  (outside  up 
R.)  He  isn't  here. 

JOHNSON.    Try  to  fool  me,  will  ye? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Mercy!  Is  the  man  crazy? 

JOHNSON.    Where  is  he?    Where  is  he,  I  say? 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (all  very  rapid  along  here)  We 
don't  know. 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (shaking  head)    No!   No! 

JOHNSON.  I'll  find  him —  wherever  he  is — leave 
me  alone  for  that,  (starting  toward  door  left)  Here ! 
Fred!  (Exit  at  door  left)  Where  did  Faddish  go? 

(A  crash  outside  at  JOHNSON'S  exit  as  though  he  had 
kicked  over  something.) 


198  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

(Ladies  watch  JOHNSON  off  in  same  consternation. 
Enter  BILLINGS  at  window  up  L.,  sauntering  on 
leisurely.  Ladies  turn  quickly,  seeing  BIL- 
LINGS.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (meet  BILLINGS  L.  c.)  Mercy! 
Did  you  see  that  man! 

BILLINGS.    Yes — saw  'im. 

MBS.  BATTERSON.    Why,  the  creature's  a  maniac. 

BILLINGS.  Nothing  to  wait  for,  is  there?  Better 
get  your  things! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  0  yes — here —  (going  toward 
door  up  R.)  I'll  get  my 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (almost  with  MRS.  BILLINGS) 

Yes,  right  on  the  table (also  goes  hurriedly  up 

to  door  up  E.)  I'm  sure  I'll  be  glad  to  leave  this 
place. 

(BILLINGS  strolls  quietly  over  L.,  looks  around  to 
make  sure  that  no  one  is  about — then  walks 
down  to  table,  sees  letters,  etc.,  which  JOHNSON 
has  left  there — picks  up  letters  from  table,  puts 
them  in  his  pockets.  Then  sees  pieces  of  photo- 
graph, takes  up  two  halves,  looks  at  them  a  mo- 
ment, then  puts  them  together — a  crash  heard 
off  L.  BILLINGS  quickly  puts  photo  in  pocket 
and  goes  up  stage.  MRS.  BATTERSON  and  MRS. 
BILLINGS  re-enter  at  door  up  R.  almost  immedi- 
ately for  bus.,  is  very  short — with  satchels,  para- 
sols, etc.  They  hurriedly  hand  them  to  BIL- 
LINGS, who  takes  them  as  if  merely  starting  out 
for  pleasure  drive.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  There —  (bus.  of  handing  BIL- 
LINGS) We're  all  ready. 

BILLINGS.    Where's  your  other  glove? 

MBS.  BILLINGS.  Oh  dear,  (looks  about — picks  it 
up)  Here  it  is —  Let  him  carry  that,  mama! 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  129 

MRS.  BATTERSON.  (hurriedly)  Yes,  let  him  take 
them  all — come,  hurry,  dear,  (going  towards  win- 
dow) This  way!  Come!  Come  before  he  gets  back! 

BILLINGS.  Team's  out  here,  (indicating  door 
down  R.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS  and  MRS.  BATTERSON.  (hurrying 
to  door  down  R.  1  E.  and  passing  BILLINGS)  Yes, 
yes !  Come  dear.  Yes,  mama ! 

MRS.  BATTERSON.    Yes,  come  dear,  Hurry,  quick. 

(Both  ladies  running  quickly  over  to  R,  1.  E.    MRS. 
BATTERSON  exits.) 

MRS.  BILLINGS,  (at  door)  What  time  does  the 
boat  leave? 

BILLINGS.    Ten ! 

MRS.  BILLINGS.  Dear  me — why,  it's  nearly  that 
now!  Do  hurry!  (exit  MRS.  BILLINGS  door  R.  1  E.) 

BILLINGS,  (glancing  at  his  watch  with  some  slight 
difficulty — owing  to  package  he  is  carrying)  Oh,  I 
guess  we'll  make  it  all  right. 

(BILLINGS  exits  R.  1  E.  MUSIC  segues  from  pizzi- 
cato to — "Hurry."  Noise  of  carriage  starting, 
whip  cracking.  Enter  DATHIS  from  window, 
strides  across  to  R.) 

DATHIS.  (looking  round)  I  shall  see  heem  he- 
fore  I  leave  zthis  place,  (starts  toward  door  R.  1  E.) 

(Enter  FADDISH  half  crazy  at  door  K.  1  E.,  meeting 
DATHIS.) 

FADDISH,  (breathless — almost  wringing  his  hands) 
Somebody  stop  them !  Somebody  stop  them ! 
They're  all  in  the  carriage — I — oh 

DATHIS.    Who  is  eet? 


130  TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON 

FADDISH.  Come ! —  We  can  hold  the  horses !  (goes 
to  door  R.  1  E.)  We  must  not  let  them  go.  (as  he 
exits)  We  came  here  for  the  marriage!  (exit  door 
R.  1  E.) 

(Enter  JOHNSON  at  window,  boiling  with  wrath.) 

JOHNSON,  (entering  at  window,  sees  DATHIS, 
rushes  down  to  table  c.)  I've  found  the  man  that's 
played  this  game  on  us ! ! 

DATHIS.   (coming  to  him  at  table)    Who  is  eet? 

JOHNSON.  Came  here  to  marry  his  daughter  to 
me. 

DATHIS.  Faddish!  (FREDERICK  enters  from  door 
L.  1  E.) 

JOHNSON.  Where's  his  damned  picture (look- 
ing all  over  table  for  it) 

DATHIS.  Never  mind  ze  picture!!  (rushes  off 
R.  1  E.) 

JOHNSON,  (turns,  sees  FREDERICK)  Here,  you  fool ! 
(putting  hands  around  FREDERICK'S  throat)  Where's 
Faddish?  Tell  me  or  I'll  choke  the  life  out  of  ye ! 

FREDERICK.    He's  gone,  sir! 

JOHNSON,    (releasing  FREDERICK)    Gone!! 

FREDERICK.  Yes,  sir!  He's  just  drove  off  like 
mad  with  the  team  of  bays — down  the  road,  sir! 

JOHNSON.     Saddle  my  mare,  quick! 

FREDERICK.  The  mare's  gone  with  the  rest  of 
'em. 

JOHNSON.    Where  to? 

FREDERICK.  They  was  all  driven  off  on  account 
of  the  cyclone ! 

JOHNSON,  (going  to  strike  him  in  L.  corner)  Cy- 
clone! Are  you  crazy? 

DATHIS.  (outside)    Here  is  ze  man! 

FREDERICK.  He's  got  him,  sir.  (pointing  off  to 
B.  1  E.) 


TOO  MUCH  JOHNSON  131 

DATHIS.  (dragging  FADDISH  on  from  R.  IE.)  I 
have  heem  here ! ! ! 

JOHNSON,  (ruslws  at  FADDISH,  who  is  in  a  heap 
on  floor,  sees  his  face  just  as  he  goes  to  strike  him 
and  stops)  That's  not  Faddish!  That's  Blodgett, 
you  fool ! ! 

DATHIS.    Blodgett ! ! ! 

FADDISH,  (between  them)  No!  My  name  is  not 
Blodgett!  I'm  Faddish! 

DATHIS.    Ah ! 

JOHNSON.    Eh?    Then  who's  that  other? 

FADDISH  and  DATHIS.    He's  Billings! 

JOHNSON.    Billings?    Did  I  marry  his  daughter? 

FADDISH.    ISFo !    It  was  my  daughter ! 

DATHIS.    He  has  no  daughter.    Zat  was  *ees  wife. 

JOHNSON.  Wife!  Wife!!  (to  FADDISH)  You're 
Faddish ! 

FADDISH.    Yes ! 

JOHNSON.    Then  your  daughter  was  the  one  I 

FADDISH.    Yes ! 

JOHNSON.    Where  is  she? 

FADDISH.  Gone !  Gone  with  Billings !  (JOHNSON 
'bangs  fist  on  table.  JOHNSON  kicks  at  FREDERICK) 

DATHIS.  Was  it  ees  picture  you  have — ze  man 
who  betray  me? 

JOHNSON.    Yes ! ! 

DATHIS.    Billings? 

JOHNSON  and  FADDISH.    Billings ! 

DATHIS.    There  is  but  one  thing  left  to  do!! 

JOHNSON  and  FADDISH.     One  thing  to  do ! 

ALL.  Find  Billings!  (all  shaking  fists  in  air, 
towards  audience) 

CURTAIN 


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